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Emotional Instability
13 years ago
"Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them."
-William Shakespeare Okay, I’m realizing that I need to admit that I might actually have a problem. For a while, it seems like I’ve been having bouts of creative productiveness followed by mental lethargy, among other things. There could be many reasons for such, from dumb luck to a bad diet. Today, however, I felt like I nearly had an emotional breakdown at work over something I really should not have had a breakdown over, and it was rather an eye opener.
I can’t say I’m comfortable going into details, but I feel that I have to express myself, even if it’s largely anonymously to a small few. After being on the receiving on of some absolute BS, I went from a stage of anger, which is normal for me, to a stage of such an emotional low that I was fighting off tears by sheer force of will. That is most certainly not normal for me. I was on the verge of breaking down, stemming from the fact that while I’m trying to do my job to the best of my ability while those around me slack off to the point of borderline neglect at times, I’m the one who gets nailed for the smallest things, even things out of my control. The plant manager seems to be looking for reasons to find fault in me, even going so far as to abuse his power and ignore evidence presented to him in order to put fault on me. My car broke down on the side of the road and I clocked in 30 minutes late, with my supervisor informing the plant manager that I had arrived on time, and I got written up for three offences for those 2 incidents. For the first one I had to supply proof that my car was towed, when the last person to have car trouble didn’t, and didn’t get written up later, and isn’t the loss of pay bad enough for clocking in half an hour late? And he was told, by the shift supervisor, that I had in fact come to work on time, and he still wrote me up for coming in 30 minutes late and not calling in. The fact that he just seems to have a vendetta against me even though I’m trying to do my job right just seemed to hit me hard, a lot harder than it should have.
There have been very few times in my life where I emotionally lost it or came close, and this was not an instance where I should have come close. Seriously, if I’d started crying, I wouldn’t have been able to stop, and then I’d have had to explain why I was crying. I’m just not sure what to think anymore, but I am starting to worry that there just might be something wrong with me. Am I actually battling depression but don’t realize it? Why am I having these emotional highs and lows, where I feel good and productive and then lethargic and practically apathetic? I mean, I can see these things in myself, and know that this isn’t the way I used to be, that this isn’t the person I was even a few years ago. Heck, I think things shifted shortly after I graduated college. But I really don’t know what to do, which is frustrating in and of itself, because I know this can only go on if I don’t do anything to change it, but I just don’t know what to do.
Anyway, I guess I just needed to get that off my chest. I had plans for getting works done, but I just can’t seem to work on creative ventures well in my state of mind, so you likely won’t be seeing any works from me for a little while, even though there’s so much I want to be working on right now.
Well, for those of you who read that, thanks. Hope you’re all feeling better than I am right now.
I can’t say I’m comfortable going into details, but I feel that I have to express myself, even if it’s largely anonymously to a small few. After being on the receiving on of some absolute BS, I went from a stage of anger, which is normal for me, to a stage of such an emotional low that I was fighting off tears by sheer force of will. That is most certainly not normal for me. I was on the verge of breaking down, stemming from the fact that while I’m trying to do my job to the best of my ability while those around me slack off to the point of borderline neglect at times, I’m the one who gets nailed for the smallest things, even things out of my control. The plant manager seems to be looking for reasons to find fault in me, even going so far as to abuse his power and ignore evidence presented to him in order to put fault on me. My car broke down on the side of the road and I clocked in 30 minutes late, with my supervisor informing the plant manager that I had arrived on time, and I got written up for three offences for those 2 incidents. For the first one I had to supply proof that my car was towed, when the last person to have car trouble didn’t, and didn’t get written up later, and isn’t the loss of pay bad enough for clocking in half an hour late? And he was told, by the shift supervisor, that I had in fact come to work on time, and he still wrote me up for coming in 30 minutes late and not calling in. The fact that he just seems to have a vendetta against me even though I’m trying to do my job right just seemed to hit me hard, a lot harder than it should have.
There have been very few times in my life where I emotionally lost it or came close, and this was not an instance where I should have come close. Seriously, if I’d started crying, I wouldn’t have been able to stop, and then I’d have had to explain why I was crying. I’m just not sure what to think anymore, but I am starting to worry that there just might be something wrong with me. Am I actually battling depression but don’t realize it? Why am I having these emotional highs and lows, where I feel good and productive and then lethargic and practically apathetic? I mean, I can see these things in myself, and know that this isn’t the way I used to be, that this isn’t the person I was even a few years ago. Heck, I think things shifted shortly after I graduated college. But I really don’t know what to do, which is frustrating in and of itself, because I know this can only go on if I don’t do anything to change it, but I just don’t know what to do.
Anyway, I guess I just needed to get that off my chest. I had plans for getting works done, but I just can’t seem to work on creative ventures well in my state of mind, so you likely won’t be seeing any works from me for a little while, even though there’s so much I want to be working on right now.
Well, for those of you who read that, thanks. Hope you’re all feeling better than I am right now.
The hardest part, I'm finding, is finding and keeping that focus. Most of the time when I try to sit down and work on my writing, I feel like some of the gears are turning, but they're not catching. The puzzles all (or mostly) put together in my head, but I just can't seem to transition it to a hard copy physically or digitally. And it's really frustrating because I really want to work on that stuff, because that's the kind of work that will get me noticed by companies, or that I can make an income off of publishing, through a publishing house, self published, or even digitally published on the kindle bookstore. But I just can't seem to hold my focus anymore, or at least not consistently. It's like I'm finding myself regularly burnt out and not knowing why. I'm trying to figure it out, but it's a slow process.
This going to sound a bit silly, but learn to breath. Hehe what I mean is not only do deep breathing when your emotional and to the point of tears, but concentrate on breathing in and out, try to make your only thoughts of breathing in and out, your chest rising and falling. Do this for as long as you need to, it usually takes about 30 mins for me to calm down, but just keep doing that. Also another silly piece of advice, rub and massage your earlobes, it sends relaxing signals to the brain. I know that sounds silly, but it helps me when I am on the verge of tears.
Change is constant, and it will happen, it just might not seem significant for awhile. However if you really want to change then go out and search for it, do what you want to do, and love who and what you want to love.
Personally I dont think anything is 'wrong' with you from what you have said, but if your truly worried then go and get checked out by a doctor and or a therapist.
This is just my two cents. Note me if ya want to! *hugs gently*
The taking of deep breaths is essentially what I ended up doing, if for no other reason than the deep breaths prevented sobbing which would have let the tears roll. I just stood at my station, and tried to clear my mind until I calmed down. Honestly, I was a little frightened that I was on the verge of an emotional breakdown, genuinly scared. I've had my moments before, but those were times when my mind dwelled on bleak thoughts in private, over emotional dark spots that are still buried in my subconscious, which I've been able to ignore. This, however, was much more public, though I'm greatly fortunate nobody noticed my state. I guess the incident triggered another one of those emotional dark spots, that I'm 25, working a dead end job, and don't have financial independance.
To be personaly honest, there are times when I feel I might need to cut myself off from everything that's become routine for me and start the slate clean, developing a healthier routine for myself both physically and mentally. All of my "problems" are things I know are all internal, and are things completely witin my control, it's just I can't seem to grasp just what I need to do or how to implement the changes I know I need.
So to recap, thank you. Your words mean a lot to me, and goes to show that, despite all the misrepresentations by the media, this community is filled with decent, caring people who show more consideration for others than seems to be the norm these days. I'm fortunate to be here, and for some reason it never ceases to amaze me how people find me and share with me their positive thoughts and insights, and make me feel that I am in fact doing something right in my life, no matter what my darker thoughts try to convince me of.
To be honest, I used a similar coping mechanism, ignoring, and shutting down, which later made me keep almost everyone at a distance. This something that I regret..and now I, just as you seem to be doing, am trying to connect with other people, reach out, rely upon and support others, make others smile and laugh, which lifts my spirits. There is so much doubt in life, every step, every choice, can change so much, which is why I think there is so much doubt in fear, which leads to confusion, sadness and loneliness. And yet it is because of those dark spots that we must Rise. We must stand up,brush ourselves off and look to the next day, smiling at the smallest things. There is no light without dark, no black without white. It is your choice to listen to the dark spots..or believe in the 'bright' spots. And trust me RS, you are giving back to the community, you really are. And in truth, when someone reaches out to you, truly reaches out to you, they do so not expecting anything in return. They want to see your happiness because they want you to feel happy, they want you to feel safe and secure.
I remember one time when I was in High school. I was having the worst month, both my friend and my aunt were diagnosed with cancer in the same month, and my dog had died, a friend I had been with childhood. I was sitting in class and I was trying to hold back the emotions, anger, sadness, fear, all of it, and I could not. I broke down crying, tears rolling, I ran out of the class and to the bathroom, what any human seeking privacy would do. My friend, who I still love dearly to this day, came into the bathroom and held me while I cried. I asked him later why he had come to do such a stupid thing, why not just leave me be in my sadness. And he said " I came because I am your friend." Point is, fear is always going to be there, it never goes away, but when your afraid you can be brave, and when all else fails rely on those who love you. And I know that there are those here that care for you. If you want to change than take a step forward.
If you truly wish for something than give all you can give to change. It may take awhile, but you will change, you will aspire, you will rise, you will be happy. If you know the answer is in your grasp ,then take that leap and reach for it.
And even though words are very powerful, there is still that gap between saying something and doing that thing. There is a leap of faith between the two. And it takes bravery to jump when you do not know where you will land. And remember RS..You are not alone.
Note me whenever you want to, I am always here to listen. *hugs gently*
(oh and please excuse all the spelling mistakes in this, its quite late and I dont have the best grasp of..well words in general x3)