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Mitch and the Ten Tons
13 years ago
This is a very difficult thing for me to write.
I have long thought of myself as a stand-up, honorable guy who does his best to keep his word, and that is what I do always strive to be. But, in the case of my artwork, I have sorely blackened this area of my reputation.
I'm going to come straight out with it: I'm very behind on commissions, and it's not because I don't want to do them, or I dislike what it is I have to draw, it's that I have let myself fall victim to my own fears and insecurities, and those have fueled a depression in me which feels like a ten ton weight upon my back, and has all-but crippled my creativity. This weight has been caused by many factors, some family, some medical, some work and some just general real-life stuff, but it has remained because I have not been able to get out from underneath it, and it seems to grow heavier by the day.
You have probably noticed that there is virtually nothing new in my gallery for quite some time, now. That is because for over a year, I haven't really done anything for myself, it's all been commissions and convention-related works. And, in the span of, well, more than the last year, I have found myself falling farther and farther behind on pieces I owe. The longer they go on, the better I want them to be in order to make up for it, and the pressure grows exponentially until it chokes off any ability to do anything. And what's worse, the more I get choked off, the more I worry and panic about all that I owe to the point where it has affected my health, possibly my sanity, some, and put me into some massive spells of depression that I have a very hard time coping with.
Thanks to the support of friends, I've kept myself from becoming absolutely bleak, but I've been very close many times. What's worse is that some of what I owe are for very good friends of mine, and that heap yet more shame upon me that I'm not caught up.
But, I know I need to stop this progression of doubt, fear and cowardice and come forward with this message. I WILL do what I said. I WILL be the man I wanted to be, and dammit, I WILL make things right.
If I am still working on a piece for you, and you are sick (and understandably so) of my cowardice and slowness, please send me a NOTE and I will issue you a refund as soon as I can. To everyone else, I am trying desperately hard to re-become the good guy I used to be, and I'm MAKING myself be better, and productive once more.
A ten ton weight can crush you, and pin you down, and in time only more weight piles on top, making your situation seem hopeless. But I want out from under this weight. I want to feel good again, and I want to prove to all of you, and myself, that I can be the man I want to be. Honest, with integrity and without fear. And a whole lot faster at getting things done.
And again, to everyone I've wronged through delay, lack of communication because I was ashamed of my failure, or anything else, I'm so very sorry, and I hope you can forgive me and give me one last chance. I never meant to do this to anyone, and believe me that it hurts me so very much to have had to come to this in order to get myself out of the pit of despair I have so selfishly dug myself into.
-Mitch
I have long thought of myself as a stand-up, honorable guy who does his best to keep his word, and that is what I do always strive to be. But, in the case of my artwork, I have sorely blackened this area of my reputation.
I'm going to come straight out with it: I'm very behind on commissions, and it's not because I don't want to do them, or I dislike what it is I have to draw, it's that I have let myself fall victim to my own fears and insecurities, and those have fueled a depression in me which feels like a ten ton weight upon my back, and has all-but crippled my creativity. This weight has been caused by many factors, some family, some medical, some work and some just general real-life stuff, but it has remained because I have not been able to get out from underneath it, and it seems to grow heavier by the day.
You have probably noticed that there is virtually nothing new in my gallery for quite some time, now. That is because for over a year, I haven't really done anything for myself, it's all been commissions and convention-related works. And, in the span of, well, more than the last year, I have found myself falling farther and farther behind on pieces I owe. The longer they go on, the better I want them to be in order to make up for it, and the pressure grows exponentially until it chokes off any ability to do anything. And what's worse, the more I get choked off, the more I worry and panic about all that I owe to the point where it has affected my health, possibly my sanity, some, and put me into some massive spells of depression that I have a very hard time coping with.
Thanks to the support of friends, I've kept myself from becoming absolutely bleak, but I've been very close many times. What's worse is that some of what I owe are for very good friends of mine, and that heap yet more shame upon me that I'm not caught up.
But, I know I need to stop this progression of doubt, fear and cowardice and come forward with this message. I WILL do what I said. I WILL be the man I wanted to be, and dammit, I WILL make things right.
If I am still working on a piece for you, and you are sick (and understandably so) of my cowardice and slowness, please send me a NOTE and I will issue you a refund as soon as I can. To everyone else, I am trying desperately hard to re-become the good guy I used to be, and I'm MAKING myself be better, and productive once more.
A ten ton weight can crush you, and pin you down, and in time only more weight piles on top, making your situation seem hopeless. But I want out from under this weight. I want to feel good again, and I want to prove to all of you, and myself, that I can be the man I want to be. Honest, with integrity and without fear. And a whole lot faster at getting things done.
And again, to everyone I've wronged through delay, lack of communication because I was ashamed of my failure, or anything else, I'm so very sorry, and I hope you can forgive me and give me one last chance. I never meant to do this to anyone, and believe me that it hurts me so very much to have had to come to this in order to get myself out of the pit of despair I have so selfishly dug myself into.
-Mitch
I hope you can come through this. Just remember that they commissioned you for what you have always done, flaws and all, and even if it's not the Sistine Chapel I don't think anyone will hold it against you once it's done.
You of all people should have confidence in your work. I have adored the handful of pieces you've done for me over the years. Don't hold yourself to an impossible standard; be comfortable with who you are, and while you should strive to do better work tomorrow, do not fall into the trap of thinking that you're doing lousy work today.
Hang in there.
Had I done that, I wouldn't be where i am today, with awesome friends in the FBA and outside. Friends who I can rely on to be a shoulder if I need one. (I know, I know, I have a surplus of shoulders...;)
And what you're doing - taking a stance, powering through it, relying on your friends, and asking for help/understanding - is the best, BEST way to fight it. It is what I did - and it took a while, but you CAN dig yourself out from under. I'm proof.
You have my support, good sir. All of us, your friends, especially your close ones, will understand, and be on your side as they always have been, and always will be. Do not lose sight in your goal, do not lose heart in your ability, and do not lose hope, period.
Peace. :3
I feel privileged to have gotten the couple of pieces from you I have from furry fiesta and wish you the best of luck.
Really, this is inspiring. You have a universe of talent. You are an artist, so trust that you have the power to create and create beautifully. Emotions are a catch 22; they can enhance or destroy creativity. Trust yourself and your talent and take this virtual hug from me *hug*
Take care and thank you :)
hm, would it help if I pawed at you until you hit the ceiling? o.O
That everytime I see a new piece of your work I see a new character in a vibrant world you've created.
That when I read your books, they are on Par with that of your mentor/idol (yeah, I've dove a little bit into Conan and frankly your stuff is far more catchy), your "coffee break" stories as I've come to call them are brillaintly put together for what they are.
If I'm "sick" of anything its you dragging down a pretty amazing talent :). Sure, dry spell here, lack of imagination there, but you keep drawing, keep those pencils sharp and you scuplt characters that have nature, personality and stories all their own.
I can understand your want to be better, every artist has that, every artist thinks they should be better then they are but you've gotta keep up the work, gotta keep moving on it cus thats how you really imporve...
...that and it allows the rest of us to go along for the ride and not leaving us wondering what happened to Mitch :).
Take care bud...keep your head up.
I feel into the same trap years ago. While I am not as talented as you are, I still had a decent amount of people commissioning me. I stopped working on my own art, I eventually got very near the point where you're at now. Lots of medical issues and relationship troubles contributed. I was suicidal at one point.
You need to stop and realize that it's ok to take care of yourself. Depression is an illness, it's a medical condition. It's not your fault. ANYone who thinks that you should be held accountable despite knowing what you're going through doesn't deserve your art in the first place. Your heart is in the right place but you need to cut down or eliminate your work load and get yourself some counseling, or at least give yourself some breathing room.
Your health and well being comes first, friend. Stop kicking yourself in the teeth. I've read a lot of your journals and you come across as a very stand up and honorable person. You're not a coward, you're not a douche or weak just because you can't handle the weight. Depression is a huge, incredibly powerful beast, and when it's on your back it can be very hard indeed to stand up again. You might feel as if you're getting some of that control back and coping by aiming your anger and fear inwards but all you're doing is making it worse.
Don't be afraid to talk to people. Don't be afraid to ask for help or lean on people. Just take care of yourself. No amount of art is worth losing the soul behind it.
Take some time for your self and heal; Balance your life and your soul- breath, do some wonderful things for yourself! You deserve them! You have to remember that no matter what : Like in "It's a wonderful Life", You have brought so much into this Life, wonder and happiness, yourself, your work and your inspiration to others... theworld would not be what it is but for you being here to share it with US!
You are one amazing artist!!! I my self am an artist (and an ardent admirer) and understand completely that Life can be tougher than ever expected.
I believe in my Heart that you will come through this as the man and the artist you ever were and ever will be- you bring such a LIGHT into this world I have no doubt that it not be extinguished and be there for all to Inspire!!! Especially yourself!