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For all the love and hope I give
13 years ago
General
So, I just noticed something kinda irritating but can be made funny, because that's how life should be seen, but otherwise.
My life seems like a distinct game of 'Dress up Stompy', or used to be, looking back, I was told to wear tracksuits, have haircuts I never liked and told to be a way that was basically dress up in itself 'Brad, get some new threads man, I hate that shirt', 'Hey Brad, get a haircut man' 'Hey Brad, don't talk like this' 'Brad, you didn't listen to what I said and I'm no longer your friend, toodles'
Right. So let's look at that. It's a story of a typical guy buying and doing things he wants, but somehow, ends up guilty for practically every little thing possible. Even the spots on his face aren't good enough from adolescene 'Sort out those spots Brad' Me: 'Dude, I ain't buying some spot cream when I got better stuff to do with my money'
I think it just comes with being a Capricorn really. Basically, if you look at Astrology, you always have a opposite sign you always contend with in life. Mine is Cancer, which is super sensitive, whilst I'm considered a guy with no feelings and pretty much duped for every thing, even when it is fair and understandable I acted, still the same old bad guy.
I just find it stupid but perhaps today I can actually gain some immunitity to how stupidly sensitive people are. Yes, I said it. Stupidly sensitive.
Mother: 'Your older brother said for all the years you've complained of having that youth with him, he said you never listened to him!'
Right mother. I was made, at one in the morning at 8 years old to climb out of a extremely tiny bathroom window where I could've fell to my death, then jump down a 5,5 drop when I am 4,6ft or something, I dunno, spend 3 to 4 hours in the cold, walking around with my brother who wants me to steal from shops, sit in a car for hours and do alot of stupid stuff at a garage. If I never stealed things right, I'd be smashed right in the chops with a clenched fist.
Ok, so, right, I was never Dexter was I? Actually, when I was young, I was often very slow, distant and in my own world, but otherwise, I was traumatized to death by this lad, petrified of being in the same room as him, because all I could ever smell is the acrid reek of cigarettes constantly on his breath, and sometimes admittedly I did find it funny to prank people, but I uphelded sensitivty I think this world or family never really understood.
It gets funnier, as I get older, I'm apparently this crazy ass bastard for every reaction I give out, when I was 8, my response often to orders was 'YES VINNY I'D DO WHATEVER YOU SAY JUST DON'T HIT ME!' in a petrified tone. Yeah, it's not pretty, but you'd get my older brother making me porridge oats in the morning, forcing me to be in the room with him because he was lonesome and needed someone to be forced to stay awake for 3 hours before going out in the freezing cold of morning to go do whatever he said. I've never slept soundly since. But it was just fun and awkward, no wonder I am that way, amirite guys?
Otherwise, my sister would get into fights after those years with me, mock me, somehow, these fucking kids somehow won out of every situation imaginable. You'd get your little brother hitting you in the back as you slept, mocking you for half a decade, and your reaction is then rejection and turmoil from your mother with no understanding at all, even after you said it, she still compromised! 'He's only young!'
Right mother, so I am admittedly 6 years older, but I am trying to sleep. I tell you my whole story of my youth to you too because you ASKED, but somehow, even when you're talking so deeply sympathetically to me at 8 years old, my older brother's opinion wins out by simply rationalizing I didn't listen; you'd rather see him as a victim. Oh, yes, boo hoo to Vinny. He didn't get to kill me or murder me after giving me death threats. I should've died? Right?
And so people, you know, as I get older, they know I was the kid who was dragged down the streets as people watched out of the window, but somehow, again, it's just cute because then, you're a kid, it's not really the fact you lived a bad youth. It's just the fact you're young, so it looks cute? You're not really sad, you just find it adorable, right?
Otherwise, I swear, on many occasions with no explanation said of why or how what happened. I was trying to kill my little sister for something as a youth, I get a freakin' spoon thrown at my knee at 10 or 11 that having hard metal smash your kneecap, and once more, you tell your sister later.
Often people wondered why I was so quiet as a youth. Honestly. Was never heard once. Never.
It gets better, I join online communitities, I try to mix in, I meet up in mirc to have a friend meet up with another friend, who then started talking trash to me like I wasn't even in the convo window: 'Yeah, Beowulf Z is fucking pathetic' or something. I knew the guy personally and saw him as a good guy too before that.
I've had people leave me for other stupid reasons too, seemingly, I cared too much, then too less, then even when I balanced things, 'I'm sorry Stompy, it isn't working' *block* and well, you know? Again, too fucking sensitive?
Often people wonder why I am actually so loud mouth, but if you look at my past, you can see why. I was the kid vindicted of everything under the sun. I was people's ragdoll 'Right! I got this new Stompy action figure! Lets get him to fight this other guy!', honestly, fights I was provoked into, I was thrown into detention for who knows what. I think it was standing in a hallway?
Otherwise, as you get older, how can you take anything seriously anymore? No one took you seriously. So I'm apparently this evil guy with evil humor, evil this and bad that. For crying out loud too, nobody actually asked why I was this way. It's just opinion thrown, you've been dethroned. I could use that in poetry couldn't I?
Otherwise, you know, a bit of that 'Son of a bitch' side I think was definitely needed sometimes. Imagine how hurt you are when people are talking behind your back, revealing every secret you ever kept. But there is two sides to Daoism as anyone knows, Yin and Yang, it's the mix people we need. Not how fucking 'bad' the world is.
Still, all these years gave me the ability to sympathize extremely well with people. The people who've been constantly degraded, victims, down on their luck people. It's just simply, there is no way to act with people I've realized. I was one of the most adorable little cherub children you ever seen, who had his zest for life flattened from a young age, and even at 13 when people know your history, your family will disputably say, 'Yeah Brad, but it's worse in Africa!'
So then, I find people suicidal, in pain, far more. Right. So I'm meant to feel sorry for you when NO ONE ever felt sorry for me? Maybe you could've actually asked me again when in your opinion I'm like this? 'Brad, you're so horrible! You're scum! Piece of shit! Crap! Motherfucker!'
The thing is, the years have made me strong, if not one of the most positive uplifting people on the planet. But friendship seems temporary, you know? I really can't fix the fact mate I gave you so much extreme love and warmth as a friend and just because you really didn't like it, when months later you tell me to keep you secure. See, it's not me, who should change. It's you who should fucking love yourself already.
Still, not all alone. I have my boyfriend who actually gets the picture with me. I think often most of the time on the internet I'm speaking to teenagers otherwise or get talked down to by them, because seemingly, alot of seamless virgins and people who pity can't see just what is really going down.
Otherwise, it's quite odd. Often most of my life it's been 'Gonna cry Brad? Boo hoo, stop crying Brad' before you seemingly see them bitching over a video game or something. But then, it's funny because I do show a face of effortless sensitivity, so people think 'What a pussy, weak', but if they had any idea how much fucking adamantium is under my cute little body, how much I can take, they'd understand.
Otherwise, it's my life. Forever a pariah. Forever lonely to probably 98% of the world, because seemingly people just have a problem with you, not my problem, seemingly I'm just a great guy to stick on a dart board 'Brad and his fucking cat that seemingly had to be pimping on my own, fucking Brad and his outspokenness' *dart throw*
I just find it different really. But I know many people like it. I think it just shows the true nature of the world. Ooh! Boo hoo! Cry for us! The whole world has treated us bad! Right, yeah, everyone is distrustful in your case. How many people actually lied? Honestly, you've been so deceived you've never actually started to figure it out yet? What a shame for you. Maybe people just actually didn't wanna listen?
Otherwise, that thing there. Seemingly, forever society's outcast socially, but you know, it's like that Billy Idol song, I do it actually, 'I'm dancing with myself!' I know I'm a Capricorn and all, but theres my story. You'll learn here to realize all that popularity of yours will never be too. Someone is always bitching, even when you're in the spotlight. Count your friends, not your money as I'd give.
My life seems like a distinct game of 'Dress up Stompy', or used to be, looking back, I was told to wear tracksuits, have haircuts I never liked and told to be a way that was basically dress up in itself 'Brad, get some new threads man, I hate that shirt', 'Hey Brad, get a haircut man' 'Hey Brad, don't talk like this' 'Brad, you didn't listen to what I said and I'm no longer your friend, toodles'
Right. So let's look at that. It's a story of a typical guy buying and doing things he wants, but somehow, ends up guilty for practically every little thing possible. Even the spots on his face aren't good enough from adolescene 'Sort out those spots Brad' Me: 'Dude, I ain't buying some spot cream when I got better stuff to do with my money'
I think it just comes with being a Capricorn really. Basically, if you look at Astrology, you always have a opposite sign you always contend with in life. Mine is Cancer, which is super sensitive, whilst I'm considered a guy with no feelings and pretty much duped for every thing, even when it is fair and understandable I acted, still the same old bad guy.
I just find it stupid but perhaps today I can actually gain some immunitity to how stupidly sensitive people are. Yes, I said it. Stupidly sensitive.
Mother: 'Your older brother said for all the years you've complained of having that youth with him, he said you never listened to him!'
Right mother. I was made, at one in the morning at 8 years old to climb out of a extremely tiny bathroom window where I could've fell to my death, then jump down a 5,5 drop when I am 4,6ft or something, I dunno, spend 3 to 4 hours in the cold, walking around with my brother who wants me to steal from shops, sit in a car for hours and do alot of stupid stuff at a garage. If I never stealed things right, I'd be smashed right in the chops with a clenched fist.
Ok, so, right, I was never Dexter was I? Actually, when I was young, I was often very slow, distant and in my own world, but otherwise, I was traumatized to death by this lad, petrified of being in the same room as him, because all I could ever smell is the acrid reek of cigarettes constantly on his breath, and sometimes admittedly I did find it funny to prank people, but I uphelded sensitivty I think this world or family never really understood.
It gets funnier, as I get older, I'm apparently this crazy ass bastard for every reaction I give out, when I was 8, my response often to orders was 'YES VINNY I'D DO WHATEVER YOU SAY JUST DON'T HIT ME!' in a petrified tone. Yeah, it's not pretty, but you'd get my older brother making me porridge oats in the morning, forcing me to be in the room with him because he was lonesome and needed someone to be forced to stay awake for 3 hours before going out in the freezing cold of morning to go do whatever he said. I've never slept soundly since. But it was just fun and awkward, no wonder I am that way, amirite guys?
Otherwise, my sister would get into fights after those years with me, mock me, somehow, these fucking kids somehow won out of every situation imaginable. You'd get your little brother hitting you in the back as you slept, mocking you for half a decade, and your reaction is then rejection and turmoil from your mother with no understanding at all, even after you said it, she still compromised! 'He's only young!'
Right mother, so I am admittedly 6 years older, but I am trying to sleep. I tell you my whole story of my youth to you too because you ASKED, but somehow, even when you're talking so deeply sympathetically to me at 8 years old, my older brother's opinion wins out by simply rationalizing I didn't listen; you'd rather see him as a victim. Oh, yes, boo hoo to Vinny. He didn't get to kill me or murder me after giving me death threats. I should've died? Right?
And so people, you know, as I get older, they know I was the kid who was dragged down the streets as people watched out of the window, but somehow, again, it's just cute because then, you're a kid, it's not really the fact you lived a bad youth. It's just the fact you're young, so it looks cute? You're not really sad, you just find it adorable, right?
Otherwise, I swear, on many occasions with no explanation said of why or how what happened. I was trying to kill my little sister for something as a youth, I get a freakin' spoon thrown at my knee at 10 or 11 that having hard metal smash your kneecap, and once more, you tell your sister later.
Often people wondered why I was so quiet as a youth. Honestly. Was never heard once. Never.
It gets better, I join online communitities, I try to mix in, I meet up in mirc to have a friend meet up with another friend, who then started talking trash to me like I wasn't even in the convo window: 'Yeah, Beowulf Z is fucking pathetic' or something. I knew the guy personally and saw him as a good guy too before that.
I've had people leave me for other stupid reasons too, seemingly, I cared too much, then too less, then even when I balanced things, 'I'm sorry Stompy, it isn't working' *block* and well, you know? Again, too fucking sensitive?
Often people wonder why I am actually so loud mouth, but if you look at my past, you can see why. I was the kid vindicted of everything under the sun. I was people's ragdoll 'Right! I got this new Stompy action figure! Lets get him to fight this other guy!', honestly, fights I was provoked into, I was thrown into detention for who knows what. I think it was standing in a hallway?
Otherwise, as you get older, how can you take anything seriously anymore? No one took you seriously. So I'm apparently this evil guy with evil humor, evil this and bad that. For crying out loud too, nobody actually asked why I was this way. It's just opinion thrown, you've been dethroned. I could use that in poetry couldn't I?
Otherwise, you know, a bit of that 'Son of a bitch' side I think was definitely needed sometimes. Imagine how hurt you are when people are talking behind your back, revealing every secret you ever kept. But there is two sides to Daoism as anyone knows, Yin and Yang, it's the mix people we need. Not how fucking 'bad' the world is.
Still, all these years gave me the ability to sympathize extremely well with people. The people who've been constantly degraded, victims, down on their luck people. It's just simply, there is no way to act with people I've realized. I was one of the most adorable little cherub children you ever seen, who had his zest for life flattened from a young age, and even at 13 when people know your history, your family will disputably say, 'Yeah Brad, but it's worse in Africa!'
So then, I find people suicidal, in pain, far more. Right. So I'm meant to feel sorry for you when NO ONE ever felt sorry for me? Maybe you could've actually asked me again when in your opinion I'm like this? 'Brad, you're so horrible! You're scum! Piece of shit! Crap! Motherfucker!'
The thing is, the years have made me strong, if not one of the most positive uplifting people on the planet. But friendship seems temporary, you know? I really can't fix the fact mate I gave you so much extreme love and warmth as a friend and just because you really didn't like it, when months later you tell me to keep you secure. See, it's not me, who should change. It's you who should fucking love yourself already.
Still, not all alone. I have my boyfriend who actually gets the picture with me. I think often most of the time on the internet I'm speaking to teenagers otherwise or get talked down to by them, because seemingly, alot of seamless virgins and people who pity can't see just what is really going down.
Otherwise, it's quite odd. Often most of my life it's been 'Gonna cry Brad? Boo hoo, stop crying Brad' before you seemingly see them bitching over a video game or something. But then, it's funny because I do show a face of effortless sensitivity, so people think 'What a pussy, weak', but if they had any idea how much fucking adamantium is under my cute little body, how much I can take, they'd understand.
Otherwise, it's my life. Forever a pariah. Forever lonely to probably 98% of the world, because seemingly people just have a problem with you, not my problem, seemingly I'm just a great guy to stick on a dart board 'Brad and his fucking cat that seemingly had to be pimping on my own, fucking Brad and his outspokenness' *dart throw*
I just find it different really. But I know many people like it. I think it just shows the true nature of the world. Ooh! Boo hoo! Cry for us! The whole world has treated us bad! Right, yeah, everyone is distrustful in your case. How many people actually lied? Honestly, you've been so deceived you've never actually started to figure it out yet? What a shame for you. Maybe people just actually didn't wanna listen?
Otherwise, that thing there. Seemingly, forever society's outcast socially, but you know, it's like that Billy Idol song, I do it actually, 'I'm dancing with myself!' I know I'm a Capricorn and all, but theres my story. You'll learn here to realize all that popularity of yours will never be too. Someone is always bitching, even when you're in the spotlight. Count your friends, not your money as I'd give.
