FA+
Shop
What it's like to die. (Disturbing! Theoretical!)
19 years ago
General
... dying is never easy. It takes so little effort, yet it's a gruelling, extended torture that stretches minutes into countless eternities. There is no transcendence from the mind. I know. I'm just a personality ._. I discovered the hard way that I am the voice in the back of my head, and even as I AM the conscious 'me' that walks around every day, this body is conscious without me. It just doesn't have emotions unless I'm sitting at the 'helm'.
What does it mean? It means that even if I go to a new life, this body and its consciousness will be here to rot and be aware long after I've been lost to oblivion. *shiver* The only reason it keeps me around, and maybe the only reason yours keeps you around, is because these bodies would be lonely without social interface AIs to handle relationships.
Death is never quick. The brain alone survives up to three minutes without fresh oxygen before permanent damage begins to incur. Then it's a slow trickling away of everything... you start to lose your mind, literally; the memories being shattered before your very 'eyes', struggling to recall
what happened?
where are you?
where were you?
where are your friends?
who were your friends?
who were the people you loved?
who were you...?
There's a certain primal, instinctual knowledge that is in the incubating mind of the youngest fetus with brainmatter: a confirmatory signal that "yes, I am alive". You're dead, really dead, when you forget on that subliminal level that you're alive.
But that's only the mental aspect. That's only the perception of your own mind being destroyed. The body is an entirely more gruesome process, and yes that is possible. You get weak. You could almost swear that you just don't FEEL like moving anymore, as clearly as though you'd decided to just lie there... just rest... for a little...
while...
longer...
but then you start to feel cold. A very large portion of what once contained your body heat, your blood, may have begin to be seriously depleted now, and your heart starts pounding in its fruitless urgency. It doesn't know how to give up, until it forgets that it had an up in the first place, just like your brain is about to.
Minutes after the blood stops flowing, all of the containment systems in your entire body fail: everything comes out, a disturbing ammount of fluid seeping out of every pore. We're just walking waterbags. 70% water content quickly becomes substantially less. It's the mother of all orgasmic afterglows, minus any and all of the associated pleasure.
the chemicals eventually go tepid, start wreaking their default havoc now that they're not being moved around to where they're supposed to go. they just sit where they are, eroding. The immune system, having stopped, allows the friendly bacteria to start you on the road to turning back into dust. Decomposition time has come.
So what's it like to die? It's scary. It's lonely. It's cold. It's helpless. It's repulsive on every level of disgust that can be measured and beyond. You'd puke if your stomach and esophagus could coordinate anymore. If you think life is tough, you'll never be able to handle death....
then again...
isn't that the point?
...I have a friend who is dying. He is a very, very, very dear friend, and I love him like I can't love anyone else; a specific kind of love made only for him that I can't attribute to any other kind of relationship... He's been dying for years, ever since an organ failure, a drug whose side-effects started to cause physical damage to his very body structure... he's not even legal to consume alchohol in the united states, yet he has to swallow shit that rots his bones to LIVE... he's already had a joint completely replaced,
...and he is in so much pain, now...
He's trying very hard to just get by, and has to curb his tendencies with anti-depressants, even though he has every right and reason to be depressed. It's very like a grease fire burning in the kitchen, but getting so sick of hearing the smoke detector go off that you just take the batteries out. Have you ever had to acknowledge that someone you love has absolutely no hope for a future...? All he's doing is buying time; and it costs him so much...
You'd never subject an animal to this kind of torture; you'd just let them die, tuck them in for a sleep they'll never wake from. It's getting to a point where, when he talks about just skipping the medication and letting himself waste away (in a slightly different fashion than the medication is making him waste away already...) ... I almost begin to wonder if it really would be so wrong.
But then I remember one thing, and it seems to be the only thing I can justify wanting him to live for, and the only thing he seems to be able to justify living for, for himself: We both want me to be at his bedside before he leaves... We both want to share a long hug... and a good cry. Yet I still can't bear to think about what death is like when I'm around him. I still can't dare to bring up what death is like, because for him... it's a near-immediate foregone conclusion anyway; imminent. With something that painful, looming so near, you might just want to... get it over with.
You don't know what being torn is like until you're faced with a reality like this.
Don't think about it. Don't walk in my shoes. Don't you dare try to walk in my shoes, because I can promise you, you'll choose to break your legs when it's over just so you don't have to walk any farther. I'm not here for pity or sympathy. I didn't mention his name because I don't want him to get spammed with pointless, half-hearted affections, or wellwishings that essentially ammount to nothing but starkly FALSE hope. You can't put "thank"s in a bank.
All I want to do right now... is what I always try to do: make a point.
You know what SomethingAwful would say to someone who mentions they're about to die?
"lol, emo"
It's automatically the assumption today that if someone says they're dying, it's an overdramatic exaggeration, and the more emphatic they are, the more fake they are. Mind you, I am against fakeness, against it more than completely--but the problem is that it's starting to impact the lives of people who DO need to be cared about and DO need a hug every once in a while. And the only reason they're becoming FAKE is because they need to overemphasize to get even a blink. Fakeness is the problem, but pre-empting it is not the solution. It's a vicious cycle:
Larry is sad, so he tells his friend. Friend says suck it up, larry, stop being a pussy. This makes larry feel worse, as he's just been chewed up and spat out by someone he cared about (a bad friend). Larry seeks help from another friend, but tries to illustrate his problem in a manner that will properly compensate for the dispassionate dumbing-down of the shell of uncaring that everybody carries with them these days. The friend acknowledges appropriately and finally does show Larry enough care, perhaps even more than Larry needed--but then eventually finds out that Larry 'lied', and feels so betrayed that they build the wall higher. The hurdle is raised, the jumpers jump higher. The people who choose to acknowledge their emotions are turned into pariahs and spat on, whereas everyone else has to encase them inside plastic smiley-face masks.
What is the ultimate logical conclusion of this?
I don't know.
But do we really want to find out where this level of apathy can lead?
Do you remember how much remorse Hermann Goering felt when he was shown pictures of the corpse piles he accumulated at his death camps? Did you see the tears he shed when they showed videos of the carcasses of thousands, stripped naked, previously ematiated, and poured haphazardly into a gigantic ditch to be disposed of?
No, there were no tears. He was disgusted and annoyed, at best, at the entire duration and exhibition of the nuremburg trials.
Can you imagine feeling the same level of 'remorse' for your siblings, your parents, your cousins, your acquaintences, and even your mate, all of them, at once?
If we continue on the way we've been, kids, we might not have to imagine it to know.
Those of you who 'don't get it' will just think I'm overdramatizing of course, but don't worry, you're still useful (you sick inhuman shitstain genetic waste vile sacks of puss). You'll be demonstrating to the rest of us real people exactly what the problem is. I'm not overdramatizing: I can't possibly be overdramatizing when this level of brutal, savage, INHUMAN apathy is NOT ONLY recorded history, but occurring even today, right now, as you read this: there is genocide happening out there in the world today, actual genocide where real people are literally being slaughtered like cattle.
And it's all because of a personal execution of brainwashing: the decision to not give a shit about someone. I love people, I hate people (as much as it sickens me to admit it), but maybe now you'll have some idea of just how serious it becomes when I -don't care- about someone.
If you want people to stop overdramatizing, respond appropriately to their words like they are exact truth. They aren't ready for that kind of affection or open ears. It's possible to even make someone uncomfortable with too much care, and I can guarantee that if you care as much as their overinflated words would tell you to in complete sincerity, they'll stop just to avoid the discomfort. Then they'll be able to be honest about their emotions. And so will you.
This is also a reason why I hate antidepressants, and I hate it when people try to send someone for 'treatment' if they cut themselves. The cutting isn't the problem, it's just the symptom, and treating symptoms does absolutely nothing for aiding the mind and body to heal. In fact, in many cases, it impedes on a human's capacity to regenerate. It may be inconvenient to be an overemotional person (by even my standards), but that's still a kind of person, and it's still a kind of person that can be complemented with another kind of person that can support them and make them as happy as they deserve to be.
[And then there's the evolutionist standpoint: not every human is a guaranteed success. I came to terms with this; my alternative to where I am today is to have frozen to death alone under a bridge. It's still a possible outcome, but if that's all I'm good for, so be it (it just so happens that other people seem to think I'm good for something, though). Without tampering, a human that isn't fit for it won't end up contributing to the gene pool anyway.. though on a completely different tangent, someday technology will be sufficiently advanced to be a product, a direct embodiment OF our continued evolution--a singularity may approach where technology and biology become indistinguishable from eachother.]
...but otherwise, I'm done with this topic for now.
What does it mean? It means that even if I go to a new life, this body and its consciousness will be here to rot and be aware long after I've been lost to oblivion. *shiver* The only reason it keeps me around, and maybe the only reason yours keeps you around, is because these bodies would be lonely without social interface AIs to handle relationships.
Death is never quick. The brain alone survives up to three minutes without fresh oxygen before permanent damage begins to incur. Then it's a slow trickling away of everything... you start to lose your mind, literally; the memories being shattered before your very 'eyes', struggling to recall
what happened?
where are you?
where were you?
where are your friends?
who were your friends?
who were the people you loved?
who were you...?
There's a certain primal, instinctual knowledge that is in the incubating mind of the youngest fetus with brainmatter: a confirmatory signal that "yes, I am alive". You're dead, really dead, when you forget on that subliminal level that you're alive.
But that's only the mental aspect. That's only the perception of your own mind being destroyed. The body is an entirely more gruesome process, and yes that is possible. You get weak. You could almost swear that you just don't FEEL like moving anymore, as clearly as though you'd decided to just lie there... just rest... for a little...
while...
longer...
but then you start to feel cold. A very large portion of what once contained your body heat, your blood, may have begin to be seriously depleted now, and your heart starts pounding in its fruitless urgency. It doesn't know how to give up, until it forgets that it had an up in the first place, just like your brain is about to.
Minutes after the blood stops flowing, all of the containment systems in your entire body fail: everything comes out, a disturbing ammount of fluid seeping out of every pore. We're just walking waterbags. 70% water content quickly becomes substantially less. It's the mother of all orgasmic afterglows, minus any and all of the associated pleasure.
the chemicals eventually go tepid, start wreaking their default havoc now that they're not being moved around to where they're supposed to go. they just sit where they are, eroding. The immune system, having stopped, allows the friendly bacteria to start you on the road to turning back into dust. Decomposition time has come.
So what's it like to die? It's scary. It's lonely. It's cold. It's helpless. It's repulsive on every level of disgust that can be measured and beyond. You'd puke if your stomach and esophagus could coordinate anymore. If you think life is tough, you'll never be able to handle death....
then again...
isn't that the point?
...I have a friend who is dying. He is a very, very, very dear friend, and I love him like I can't love anyone else; a specific kind of love made only for him that I can't attribute to any other kind of relationship... He's been dying for years, ever since an organ failure, a drug whose side-effects started to cause physical damage to his very body structure... he's not even legal to consume alchohol in the united states, yet he has to swallow shit that rots his bones to LIVE... he's already had a joint completely replaced,
...and he is in so much pain, now...
He's trying very hard to just get by, and has to curb his tendencies with anti-depressants, even though he has every right and reason to be depressed. It's very like a grease fire burning in the kitchen, but getting so sick of hearing the smoke detector go off that you just take the batteries out. Have you ever had to acknowledge that someone you love has absolutely no hope for a future...? All he's doing is buying time; and it costs him so much...
You'd never subject an animal to this kind of torture; you'd just let them die, tuck them in for a sleep they'll never wake from. It's getting to a point where, when he talks about just skipping the medication and letting himself waste away (in a slightly different fashion than the medication is making him waste away already...) ... I almost begin to wonder if it really would be so wrong.
But then I remember one thing, and it seems to be the only thing I can justify wanting him to live for, and the only thing he seems to be able to justify living for, for himself: We both want me to be at his bedside before he leaves... We both want to share a long hug... and a good cry. Yet I still can't bear to think about what death is like when I'm around him. I still can't dare to bring up what death is like, because for him... it's a near-immediate foregone conclusion anyway; imminent. With something that painful, looming so near, you might just want to... get it over with.
You don't know what being torn is like until you're faced with a reality like this.
Don't think about it. Don't walk in my shoes. Don't you dare try to walk in my shoes, because I can promise you, you'll choose to break your legs when it's over just so you don't have to walk any farther. I'm not here for pity or sympathy. I didn't mention his name because I don't want him to get spammed with pointless, half-hearted affections, or wellwishings that essentially ammount to nothing but starkly FALSE hope. You can't put "thank"s in a bank.
All I want to do right now... is what I always try to do: make a point.
You know what SomethingAwful would say to someone who mentions they're about to die?
"lol, emo"
It's automatically the assumption today that if someone says they're dying, it's an overdramatic exaggeration, and the more emphatic they are, the more fake they are. Mind you, I am against fakeness, against it more than completely--but the problem is that it's starting to impact the lives of people who DO need to be cared about and DO need a hug every once in a while. And the only reason they're becoming FAKE is because they need to overemphasize to get even a blink. Fakeness is the problem, but pre-empting it is not the solution. It's a vicious cycle:
Larry is sad, so he tells his friend. Friend says suck it up, larry, stop being a pussy. This makes larry feel worse, as he's just been chewed up and spat out by someone he cared about (a bad friend). Larry seeks help from another friend, but tries to illustrate his problem in a manner that will properly compensate for the dispassionate dumbing-down of the shell of uncaring that everybody carries with them these days. The friend acknowledges appropriately and finally does show Larry enough care, perhaps even more than Larry needed--but then eventually finds out that Larry 'lied', and feels so betrayed that they build the wall higher. The hurdle is raised, the jumpers jump higher. The people who choose to acknowledge their emotions are turned into pariahs and spat on, whereas everyone else has to encase them inside plastic smiley-face masks.
What is the ultimate logical conclusion of this?
I don't know.
But do we really want to find out where this level of apathy can lead?
Do you remember how much remorse Hermann Goering felt when he was shown pictures of the corpse piles he accumulated at his death camps? Did you see the tears he shed when they showed videos of the carcasses of thousands, stripped naked, previously ematiated, and poured haphazardly into a gigantic ditch to be disposed of?
No, there were no tears. He was disgusted and annoyed, at best, at the entire duration and exhibition of the nuremburg trials.
Can you imagine feeling the same level of 'remorse' for your siblings, your parents, your cousins, your acquaintences, and even your mate, all of them, at once?
If we continue on the way we've been, kids, we might not have to imagine it to know.
Those of you who 'don't get it' will just think I'm overdramatizing of course, but don't worry, you're still useful (you sick inhuman shitstain genetic waste vile sacks of puss). You'll be demonstrating to the rest of us real people exactly what the problem is. I'm not overdramatizing: I can't possibly be overdramatizing when this level of brutal, savage, INHUMAN apathy is NOT ONLY recorded history, but occurring even today, right now, as you read this: there is genocide happening out there in the world today, actual genocide where real people are literally being slaughtered like cattle.
And it's all because of a personal execution of brainwashing: the decision to not give a shit about someone. I love people, I hate people (as much as it sickens me to admit it), but maybe now you'll have some idea of just how serious it becomes when I -don't care- about someone.
If you want people to stop overdramatizing, respond appropriately to their words like they are exact truth. They aren't ready for that kind of affection or open ears. It's possible to even make someone uncomfortable with too much care, and I can guarantee that if you care as much as their overinflated words would tell you to in complete sincerity, they'll stop just to avoid the discomfort. Then they'll be able to be honest about their emotions. And so will you.
This is also a reason why I hate antidepressants, and I hate it when people try to send someone for 'treatment' if they cut themselves. The cutting isn't the problem, it's just the symptom, and treating symptoms does absolutely nothing for aiding the mind and body to heal. In fact, in many cases, it impedes on a human's capacity to regenerate. It may be inconvenient to be an overemotional person (by even my standards), but that's still a kind of person, and it's still a kind of person that can be complemented with another kind of person that can support them and make them as happy as they deserve to be.
[And then there's the evolutionist standpoint: not every human is a guaranteed success. I came to terms with this; my alternative to where I am today is to have frozen to death alone under a bridge. It's still a possible outcome, but if that's all I'm good for, so be it (it just so happens that other people seem to think I'm good for something, though). Without tampering, a human that isn't fit for it won't end up contributing to the gene pool anyway.. though on a completely different tangent, someday technology will be sufficiently advanced to be a product, a direct embodiment OF our continued evolution--a singularity may approach where technology and biology become indistinguishable from eachother.]
...but otherwise, I'm done with this topic for now.
that death thing u said..and about ur friend..mm...with me...i mean..have u ever imagined dieing..or dreamed of dieing or expierancing it..i mean..i really though about death alot in my past..deep enough to actually imagining the feel of it..eather slow or fast....and exactly what will happen after death? no one can really know till it happens to be truthful v__v we are born and then we get old and die..just like plants..and animals and all...makes me think if living is really worth it..mm...i dont really want to think so deeply at the momment..
but yeah...u said alot of truth