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Sine wave
17 years ago
3:45pm
I just spent the last 20 minutes crying...
I felt like I was a disappointment to all who cared about me, that I was a complete and total screw up.
I was crying because I felt that I am clueless and hopeless.
it seems even when doing the right thing, I end up doing it wrong,
That even though I don't want to I am pushing away all my friends, those that mean everything to me.
That I cant even keep a girlfriend happy.
That even the things that I am good at, I'm not very good at.
That I am worthless.
After a little while I ran out of things to be upset over. I kept trying to be upset, reaching for any reason to be. I wanted to gather up and burn off all this self doubt, self loathing, and self disappointment that has been building up for weeks.
The emptiness I feel after this... it's refreshing, No thoughts no feelings, just nothing.
I am at peace.
11:12pm
I know I'm slow to understand some things, but When you finally see the light, it's an incredible moment.
I spent the evening in conference with my best friends, With whom I've been teamed up with for over 3 years, one since grade school.
The situation is going to change soon and I don't think I was OK yet with it.
For a while, I had put myself under the illusion of feeling like I was the only one pulling in the direction of the long term goals we had been setting. After this evening I realize that there are others joining us, and I won't need to shoulder all the load, this makes me a lot happier to do my part.
I also realized that I am a valuable member of the group and that myself and my grounding nature had just built the foundation for the goals we have set.
My lady friend and I had a heart to heart, we are still friends. We agreed that open honest communication is the only way to go.
I feel great and will go to bed with a smile on my face.
What a difference 8 hours makes
I just spent the last 20 minutes crying...
I felt like I was a disappointment to all who cared about me, that I was a complete and total screw up.
I was crying because I felt that I am clueless and hopeless.
it seems even when doing the right thing, I end up doing it wrong,
That even though I don't want to I am pushing away all my friends, those that mean everything to me.
That I cant even keep a girlfriend happy.
That even the things that I am good at, I'm not very good at.
That I am worthless.
After a little while I ran out of things to be upset over. I kept trying to be upset, reaching for any reason to be. I wanted to gather up and burn off all this self doubt, self loathing, and self disappointment that has been building up for weeks.
The emptiness I feel after this... it's refreshing, No thoughts no feelings, just nothing.
I am at peace.
11:12pm
I know I'm slow to understand some things, but When you finally see the light, it's an incredible moment.
I spent the evening in conference with my best friends, With whom I've been teamed up with for over 3 years, one since grade school.
The situation is going to change soon and I don't think I was OK yet with it.
For a while, I had put myself under the illusion of feeling like I was the only one pulling in the direction of the long term goals we had been setting. After this evening I realize that there are others joining us, and I won't need to shoulder all the load, this makes me a lot happier to do my part.
I also realized that I am a valuable member of the group and that myself and my grounding nature had just built the foundation for the goals we have set.
My lady friend and I had a heart to heart, we are still friends. We agreed that open honest communication is the only way to go.
I feel great and will go to bed with a smile on my face.
What a difference 8 hours makes
