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My last 2012 post.
13 years ago
General
Do you ever wonder what life can bring? What's in store for you?
I mean, lets face it, we've all thought about the future and what we might do with it,
But where does the actions take place?
I have spent countless hours pondering.
Wondering if I'll ever be happy.
I used to wonder so much that it'd leave me depressed for months on end, and even to this day my mind wanders to that time.
That time when I was happy, when I didn't give a fuck what I looked like, or dressed like, or talked like.
That time when I was so much happier, and never gave a damn about people who had to but their nose into my business.
The time before I had my love, the time I had no idea what to even think of at that time. When I was happy with that person, who brightened my whole world up like the moon lights up the night.
When I was in love with him so much it seemed as if nothing else mattered to me. In fact, nothing really did. I was so focused on making him happy, mine. I was so content in making everything planned out, to have kids someday with him, to be married, to be away from all the abuse and hell my family put me through growing up. To live out in the country some where, where we'd just evolve around only us and our future family. The near thought of all of this just sent butterflies all over my body, and my mind in a constant happy.
Until I fucked up.
Until I realized that I was selfish enough to fuck up.
Until that first, and the last.
I have spent the past two years in a depression and saddist state. I don't remember the one time I was actually truly happy up until last December/January.
I've grown as a person now, from the drama.
I started cutting, smoking, even wishing I were dead. None of you know this.
None of you know how much that one person means to me, and how much that one single person changed my life for the worse and for the better.
Without this person in my life, I would've never believed I was worth something, or beautiful. Even to this day, I still don't think I'm a beautiful person, but I think I've been looking at this all the wrong way. I'm not ugly, I'm not horrible, and I'm not a mistake. That has taken me almost a whole year to figure out, and yes, I slip up and go into those moments where I know people dont give a fuck about me, but the more I think on it, the more I realize they do care! People love me! I've never said this to anyone in fear of being self-centered, or ignorant, or absorbed in only me, but it's time I said it. I know I'm not a selfish prick who just mocks people and hurt them. I love people, I love talking to people, I love giving advice, and I love making people happy. And I love getting the same in return. This past year alone I have made some pretty wonderful friends, friends who changed my life for the good, and help me forget the bad. The three friends that I can count on worth anything because they've been in my shoes. I love them, I do. They're like family to me in everyway. Just the two though, the one is who I shall not mention.
He's the person I've talked about in my sleep, seen in my dreams, stated over and over again how much I care, though the mere thought of us fucks me up deep inside. Heart wrenchingly enough, I've found the strength to overcome something I thought I'd never be able to. I've had hurdles the past few months alone, and several mistakes all throughout the year, but they've made me who I am today, and I can't imagine it any other way.
I am a stronger young woman because of all the hell I've been through in my life. I am a stronger woman from the help I've had along the way from those who matter. I'm stronger because I never once stopped. I always said I was going to give up, but I never did! And thats the greatest feeling ever because it let me remind myself just how independent I really am! When I get on my own feet within the next few years and start my life fully, I'll remember this. I'll remember the people who made me appreciate the little things, and the people who reminded me that I'm beautiful, strong, brave. The people I've held dear to my heart. That one person I've loved with all I have, and will continue to do so because our bond is something I can't possible disconnect. Him and I have this connection not a single person can understand. <3 He's not just my best friend, and most don't realize that enough. Most want me to leave him, to just drop and forget everything we've been through, but looking back on it, due to our history, theres no way in fuck I'm ever letting him leave my life. There's no way I'm just gonna say, "You know what? Leave me alone forever." I mean, get real. I don't have enough willpower to send anyone I love away, let alone him. Now, that I finally got that off my chest, I'm happy to say I feel good, I feel like a good person, and I know deep down that the hell I've been through wont go away, but at least I'll have ease in forgetting it along the way, and not feeling so bad to talk about it, and not having the nightmares that followed it. With all of this being said, I wouldn't change anything in my life for the world, and I'm blessed to have people that love me in my life, because I love them all with all my heart. <3
I hope the new year brings all of you happiness and joy and love and everything you want! <3 Those who read this all deserve it, because good god I blabber. o.o
I love you all, Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year. <3
I mean, lets face it, we've all thought about the future and what we might do with it,
But where does the actions take place?
I have spent countless hours pondering.
Wondering if I'll ever be happy.
I used to wonder so much that it'd leave me depressed for months on end, and even to this day my mind wanders to that time.
That time when I was happy, when I didn't give a fuck what I looked like, or dressed like, or talked like.
That time when I was so much happier, and never gave a damn about people who had to but their nose into my business.
The time before I had my love, the time I had no idea what to even think of at that time. When I was happy with that person, who brightened my whole world up like the moon lights up the night.
When I was in love with him so much it seemed as if nothing else mattered to me. In fact, nothing really did. I was so focused on making him happy, mine. I was so content in making everything planned out, to have kids someday with him, to be married, to be away from all the abuse and hell my family put me through growing up. To live out in the country some where, where we'd just evolve around only us and our future family. The near thought of all of this just sent butterflies all over my body, and my mind in a constant happy.
Until I fucked up.
Until I realized that I was selfish enough to fuck up.
Until that first, and the last.
I have spent the past two years in a depression and saddist state. I don't remember the one time I was actually truly happy up until last December/January.
I've grown as a person now, from the drama.
I started cutting, smoking, even wishing I were dead. None of you know this.
None of you know how much that one person means to me, and how much that one single person changed my life for the worse and for the better.
Without this person in my life, I would've never believed I was worth something, or beautiful. Even to this day, I still don't think I'm a beautiful person, but I think I've been looking at this all the wrong way. I'm not ugly, I'm not horrible, and I'm not a mistake. That has taken me almost a whole year to figure out, and yes, I slip up and go into those moments where I know people dont give a fuck about me, but the more I think on it, the more I realize they do care! People love me! I've never said this to anyone in fear of being self-centered, or ignorant, or absorbed in only me, but it's time I said it. I know I'm not a selfish prick who just mocks people and hurt them. I love people, I love talking to people, I love giving advice, and I love making people happy. And I love getting the same in return. This past year alone I have made some pretty wonderful friends, friends who changed my life for the good, and help me forget the bad. The three friends that I can count on worth anything because they've been in my shoes. I love them, I do. They're like family to me in everyway. Just the two though, the one is who I shall not mention.
He's the person I've talked about in my sleep, seen in my dreams, stated over and over again how much I care, though the mere thought of us fucks me up deep inside. Heart wrenchingly enough, I've found the strength to overcome something I thought I'd never be able to. I've had hurdles the past few months alone, and several mistakes all throughout the year, but they've made me who I am today, and I can't imagine it any other way.
I am a stronger young woman because of all the hell I've been through in my life. I am a stronger woman from the help I've had along the way from those who matter. I'm stronger because I never once stopped. I always said I was going to give up, but I never did! And thats the greatest feeling ever because it let me remind myself just how independent I really am! When I get on my own feet within the next few years and start my life fully, I'll remember this. I'll remember the people who made me appreciate the little things, and the people who reminded me that I'm beautiful, strong, brave. The people I've held dear to my heart. That one person I've loved with all I have, and will continue to do so because our bond is something I can't possible disconnect. Him and I have this connection not a single person can understand. <3 He's not just my best friend, and most don't realize that enough. Most want me to leave him, to just drop and forget everything we've been through, but looking back on it, due to our history, theres no way in fuck I'm ever letting him leave my life. There's no way I'm just gonna say, "You know what? Leave me alone forever." I mean, get real. I don't have enough willpower to send anyone I love away, let alone him. Now, that I finally got that off my chest, I'm happy to say I feel good, I feel like a good person, and I know deep down that the hell I've been through wont go away, but at least I'll have ease in forgetting it along the way, and not feeling so bad to talk about it, and not having the nightmares that followed it. With all of this being said, I wouldn't change anything in my life for the world, and I'm blessed to have people that love me in my life, because I love them all with all my heart. <3
I hope the new year brings all of you happiness and joy and love and everything you want! <3 Those who read this all deserve it, because good god I blabber. o.o
I love you all, Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year. <3
