So New Years resolutions. I kinda gave those up a while ago but i think i will try some this year.
Change my diet harder. I am thinking nothing but lettuce. mmmmm lettuce. Just kidding. but really yeah i need to incorporate more of the good and less of the meh since i got rid of almost all the of the bad. the problem is a lot of the OH IT IS SO GOOD FOR YOU tastes like rancid compost... Celery, Cabbage, Kale, peppers of any type. a lot of the big Western World veggies (that being a poor fuck like myself without a lot of ways around to places like Pittsburgh and shit well this is what i got around if i want more variety) Also fuck the doctors. i am so bringing back the mega doses of garlic and onions. fuck my cholesterol. i do not care if it is 20 and should be like 60. i will fix that with ACTUALLY EATING EGGS! Also want more fish but FUCK is good fish expensive... So yeah i had this idea of making muffin sized quiches. i can make a variety of them in different flavour combos and use some Egg beaters to keep the cholesterol from being a big thing. I hate greasy foods. i do not eat a lot of fat (yes there is fat in cheese but outside of pennsic where i gave up all the fucks about what i eat i do not eat endless cheeses in real life cause well... it gets expensive so while i may have some with most meals it is not a BLOCK of cheese a meal. even still with all the cheese evidently it is not that fatty since my fucking cholesterol when i got the MILLION and ONE blood tests back in November showed my Cholesterol was LOW as fuck and so was my sodium... which is odd since i love the salt... So yeah. just going to start to make weird shit. in little bits so i can start eating little bits all the time. i got out of that again. Bad me. BAD. doing to much and not doing the right stuff. but i am not going to beat the fuck out of myself if i fuck up and i will give myself a few FUCK IT days a month. studies say those are damn good for you. do not go overboard but once or twice a month just going FUCK ALL THE THINGS and eating what the fuck you want will keep you from going bonkers eventually and eating your neighborhood in an orgy of pent up desire.

Going to try to do something creative and such every single fucking day. Already got a little bit of a start as i plan my garden this year and drew up some designs for things in it. I need a few new SMALL sketchbooks. all the little half sized and such ones i have are near full or full. i want books i can carry with me easily.
Along with this is getting all my shit organized. which will take all fucking year at this rate. but i am plowing forward anyway. even with the fact that every single time i get near complete with something something very bad will happen to fuck it all up. cause i have this annoying little elephant headed God who sits in my head playing a strange game with no rules and everything in existence with in arms reach is a playing piece with my Lion Headed Muse. They sit in a Blue Lotus drinking bubbly things and giggling like school kids for the most part. sometimes i want to set them both on fire. But yeah. i am dying with my lack of outlets. I want to paint and sculpt and make a mask and make boxes and all the other arts including music if i can ever get shit for that. like a good mic or something. and software and other things. who knows maybe in this lifetime it will happen. if not i am putting more dots in Good Shit next life

Also going to break down and go back to one of the mostly useless clinics now that one has opened near me. they are probably set up like the one in Beaver Falls but with less shit and services. they are the same group from Heritage Valley. just need to find out if they take my current insurance (probably not. i was told everyone here took it and spent a YEAR getting it and now no one gives two crippled diabetic fucks about it...) if not i get to play WAIT FOR INSURANCE! i want a real doctor. i need a real doctor. not interns who cannot sign any of these fucking papers people want me to have signed by them like stuff for transport or a Cripple tag or shit for my now 40 grand in student loans i cannot pay back. Interns at the Poor People Clinics cannot do much of anything for these problems. and you never keep an intern for long. then you have to train a new intern to be a doctor. cause really that is what happens. i did it for like a decade. every 2 years new doctor or as eventually happened in my last three years there a new doc every year. they never read ANYTHING in your record. they dismiss you and your knowledge of your own body cause obviously you know nothing about anything. it is all fucking annoying. I think my favourite (and yes there was a LOT of sarcasm in that) moment was with a new idiot who was pretending to read my file and was like WELL it seems you do not want any help with your depression. you refused medication! "Ummm i have a bottle of Prozac right here to get refilled... so what are you talking about?" it says here you refused Risperdol. "Umm yeah cause it tried to kill me" How would you know. "MY guess is that when i looked up the web site for the drug to see if what i was feeling was just some side effects and the symptoms i had were for a deadly reaction to the meds and i kinda had to call emergency stuff and drink enough water to drown a fish to flush it out and my doctor then was like GET RID OF THAT AND COME GET SOME PROZAC! that that was kinda an indication that MAYBE something was POSSIBLY wrong..." Why were you no longer on Prozac "you just know nothing about drug interactions do you.... it was giving me a lot of odd readings on my glucometer." It does not do that. "would you like me to print out the info for you."
yeah so stupid people... but i need meds. and this new clinic is close enough for to get rides to it. and i am tired of the FUCK YOU i have been getting from real doctors in this fucking town...

and lastly i am going to be making strides towards telling people that i love you but fuck off. to be honest i cannot describe what it is like that i have people that want me around even rarely. i look at me and only see the bad. i see the cripple that cannot keep up. i see the diabetic that has to have special care and do shit like eat often and that makes me not the most popular person sometimes. like having to rely on people so heavily for the set up of the WPAFW raffle last year. while i could barely think with no blood sugar. I see the me with phobias and health problems and allergies to the most fucking common shit like SUNLIGHT for fucks sake. so the fact anyone wants to be around me is just amazing. even more amazing is that there are people who want me to be at things and do things. and i want to do them. but honestly until i can at least fix me and my world a little i simply cannot do this shit. as some people have seen what takes a normal person a half hour is for me an ALL DAY THING. period. all damn day with lots of breaks and me wearing myself out to the point that i lay in bed crying silently to myself praying for either the release of sleep or death and i am not being overly dramatic here. it fucking hurts that much. sometimes so bad i cannot even think. i used to think that the line Mind washed white with pain was just poetry. Nope it is reality. it is like your brain is covered in quilting batting and the edges of your vision have gone white and foggy and thinking is nigh impossible. i get to the point that everything that happens around me at that point is to much to bear. a simple noise that would not bother me becomes a siren in my ear. the movements around me become threats and i have to retreat. and to make it all better after a day like that movement is just mostly out of the question. so what takes someone a half an hour of work can not only take me all day but put me out of commission for a week. and Pennsic and other things take me MONTHS of shit to try to get ready for. Months of shit that i am now unable to do anything in my own home for me or my pets or anything else during. and that cannot be. not any more. the mess is such that when i am finally able to move again sometime near halloween it takes me til spring to clean up again and then it all starts again. so this year i do not want to hurt people but i am going to unless a miracle happens just tell most people to fuck off... cause people tend not to listen to me seriously until i get angry. so yeah... i have things i need to do here. we have big cracks in the walls that need patched. i have a garden that is supposed to feed me and supplement my food since food keeps getting more and more expensive. and other things. so i have to prioritize shit. i just have to.