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Guardian of Womanhood [Personal Feelings]
13 years ago
General
Hello again, everyone. I am back, and with yet another journal to rob the time of those that care to read it. But I wouldn't really categorize this as a rant. There is just something important that has been on my mind for the longest time now, and it's a topic that I've found challenging to explain. By ignoring this matter, it has swollen up inside me and has come to the point where it causes me great frustration. So despite how difficult it is to describe and explain, I've forced myself to put it down right here, as an attempt to get it off my chest. Or at least make the burden feel less heavy. If any of you out there has a desire to learn more about what is going on inside my head, then I'll recommend that you keep reading, as this journal most likely will turn out to become long and deep. But if you are afraid of discovering something about me that you won't like, or are allergic to long journals, then there's a nice little button with an arrow in the top left corner that will save your life. Clicking it is absolutely free, so you're not exactly forced to leave a comment if you don't want to. Especially not insultive or smart-ass comments that I have no interest in reading, mind you.
As you all oughta know by now, I am an extremely protective person. Yeah, nothing new about that, I've probably told you a hundred times already. But to speak the truth here, I think it is only very few of you who actually understand what this means to me. It's not just some exxagerated bogus that I toss about to mark my feelings for a friend. Nope, it's quite a lot more serious than that. And believe it or not, it is meant to be taken quite literal. You may not be able to understand this, but I am a guardian at heart, and it is my nature to protect. It is like an instinct of mine to protect, and I -need- someone to take care of. And even though I would defend any friend of mine with my life, you may have noticed that I am twice as adamant about protecting my female friends. This has lead to much confusion and misunderstandings, since I am a transgender only sexually attracted to males. And I can't guarantee that you understand me better after having read this journal. Because it's a personal matter that I find challenging to describe with words. But that won't keep me away from at least giving it a try. It's worth it, because I really need -someone- to understand how my mind works.
To speak the truth, I am deeply fascinated by women. No, I actually worship them. There is nothing more beautiful than the feminine anatomy chiseled by our great planet itself, nothing warms my heart more than a woman's natural sense of empathy and some women are embraced by a feminine aura that makes everyone around them feel like jelly. For as long as I can remember, I've always thought that the female gender contribute so much to making life more enchanting and colorful. This is actually one of the many reasons why I am proud of having been born transgendered. Because I have adopted so many of these beautiful qualities from the feminine gender. But as I have grown up and matured further, my view of females have evolved to the point where I see them as spectacular beings blessed with divine beauty that must be protected. It's a dark world and we all know what dangers lurk out there, especially for a woman who is alluringly gorgeous. And the sight of them alone makes my instinct as a guardian quiver like crazy, filling my heart with urges to protect them from everything harmful in the world. This has often lead me to confront various females around FA, to introduce myself and offer them a request for friendship. Because I keep thinking and hoping that my compassion, empathy, loyalty and protectivity is the key to make some women out there very happy. But unfortunately, even though I have made a lot of wonderful friends among females, I still stand back with a serious problem that has yet to be solved. And now I can finally feel the result of it. Because the endless frustration has become downright painful.
Everyone knows I put heart and soul into being protective, and hopefully now, it makes more sense that this especially apply to my female friends. All my heart desires, is to hold them between my arms, keeping them warm and protected. If anyone dares to hurt the feelings of my female friends, then I want to offer them consolation, before heading out to kick the ass of whoeevr did it. If something happens that leaves my female friends depressed, then I want them to come to me, so that we can deal with the pain together. Do you see where I am going at? I want to be their pillar of strength, the significant person who makes them feel comfortable and secure. I want to be the friend that they know will listen to everything, even the personal or intimate issues. Selfish as it may sound, I consider myself the guardian of womanhood, and I always stand up for the feminine gender whenever I can. And I can't even describe how much it means to me, when females consider me one of their own, and even feel secure by knowing that I am there to fight for them. That is truly one of the best gifts that I could ever wish for. But here is the big problem, that is the cause of all this painful frustration - my protectivity is not wanted. I have so many females friends, but few have any interest in accepting my protectivity and clinging onto me for support. Throughout time, I have encountered hundreds of different responses to my protectivity. And now I'm going to speak my mind about the most frequent ones I've received.
You really don't need to worry about me, I can handle myself just fine
To be honest here, I absolutely hate when people say this, because it's the quickest and most effecient way to close the door on a friend who wants to be closer. You know already by this point that the bounderies have been laid out, to prevent the friendship from evolving. Yes, I am sure you can take care of yourself just fine, girl. But surely, don't you think life would be a little easier if you didn't have to deal with all these conflicts on your own? I can understand that you want to keep your pride and prove that you can stand on your own feet. But trust me, there is no shame in counting on a friend for support. A true friend would be honored, if only you'd offer him the opportunity to be involved in your life, so that he can support you when you need it most. What are friends for anyhow? Believe me, there is nothing worse for a true friend than being left outside a locked door, when he knows that you are suffering on the other side. The world would be a sad and depressing place, if we all had to mind our own business and deal with conflicts individually. Alone, we may be fragile - but together, we are strong. Find strength in unity! That is the key to success.
I really appreciate your concern, but I have a boyfriend and lots of other friends to count on
Good for you - but let me ask you this. Are these friends truly able to empathise with your situation? And even if so, what could you possibly lose from giving me the chance of showing my own potential as a friend? Besides, it irks me a lot when females hide behind their boyfriends, to avoid facing the importance of having reliable friends in your life. A boyfriend cannot substitute what influence your friends have on your life. Because believe it or not, there are some personal issues that you'd much rather discuss with your friends than with your boyfriend. A lover is not like an über friend that covers all your needs. He plays a completely different role in your life. Don't be afraid of putting faith in new friends and test their skills in friendship. Because not every friend if a good listener by default. I actually have the impression that most friends would rather not get too involved with your problems.
I don't share things with friends I only know online
Why? Try as you might, you won't find any valid reason for not opening up to an online friend. Because no matter if we live hundreds of miles away or right around the corner, we are all living people and not just text on the screen. Sometimes, you may actually find it easier to share pain with someone over text, since eye contact shatters courage and leaves you stuttering. It's easier to be yourself when you don't have to gaze into someone's eyes and wonder what they think about what you say. If you've given an online friend time and space to prove his loyalty, give it a try. True friends can be found all over the world, and it's not neccesary for you to see them face to face, to know that they'll stand by your side for an eternity. When friends chat online, it's actually easier to focus on their true qualities, which is found in their hearts and personalities. Why? Because you'll have less focus on their physical appearence, and you won't be obstructed by enevitable nervousness. It's easier to be your true self. And then it's up to you to judge, whether if the friend you talk to can be trusted or not. But at the very least, give him a chance.
We haven't known eachother very long yet, so be patient
Oooooh, you have no idea how often I get this. But I can accept this, and if my friends need more time to get to know me, I respect this wholeheartedly. But unfortunately, I've noticed that I end up getting the same reply even months after we met. So that's when I start asking myself, when have we known eachother long enough to trust eaqchother? That is quite relative, you know. To some people, the friendship apparently has to be decades old before you actually start acting like friends. And rushed as it may sound, life is just too short for that. People have often whacked me in the head with a stick for trusting too fast. But from the way I see it, true friends just know that they'll be friends for life, possibly from the first day thet meet. On the other hand, if two people that are definitely NOT going to get along are united, they will also sense the sparks from the very first day. Some friendships take time to evolve, some does not. But when months pass by and you don't do anything to make the friendship evolve, then I say it's just not worth it. I hate to sound cold and cruel, but life is just too short for friendships that bear no promise of blossoming. So if I sense that a friendship isn't going anywhere... then I call it a dud.
I really appreciate that you want to protect me, but I don't want people to think I'm weak
This is a thought that I would wish never crossed anyone's mind. There is no weakness to be found in depending on others. I personally consider it a sign of strength and bravery, when people can find the courage to trust someone else to that extend. In this world, there are two kinds of people - Those that need to protect and those that need to BE protected. When these two types of people are united, they play their given role and completes eachother. But unfortunately, it seems like those people who need to be protected are either hiding or refuse to accept their role, because they think it makes appear weak in the eyes of others.
These are the most common responses I get. There are many more, but these are the only ones I find neccesary to highlight. People may think that it's a nice gesture and all, that I want to protect my friends and treat women so chivalrously. But what they don't understand is, it's not just a favor that I am offering. I NEED females to protect. Being a guardian plays a significant role in my whole identity, and since so incredibly few females are willing to let me protect them as a guardian, I stand back with a protective instinct that is severely understimulated. That is the source of all the frustration I have experienced lately. Despite being transgendered, I treat women like a "gentleman" and hope to stand as an inspiration for men to do the same. Women deserve all the love, care and respect that they can get. And before someone approaches me with the usual "gurlz r nawt purfect! Dey can b bad 2!" YES! YES I KNOW! You don't have to tell me. I'd really appreciate if you don't. Because yes, bad people exist among females too. And trust me, I've met many coldhearted bitches during my search for female friends. So to make this whole journal a bit more specific, my desire of protecting females does only apply to those that are worth it, girls that aren't downright hideous in heart and personality. If someone treats me like dirt, they get no love from me. And that counts for men AND ladies. But you know, I had a long personal talk with someone extremely special to me, and she said something wise that left me thinking. She said that I was like a noble soul ripped out of the medieval times, and born into a world where my sense of chivalry is neither needed or appreciated. The sad thing is, she is absolutely right in that statement. So if we look beside the fact that I stand back with an understimulated need to protect, I've been asking myself this question - Am I nothing more than a shadow from the past that has become obsolete?
As you all oughta know by now, I am an extremely protective person. Yeah, nothing new about that, I've probably told you a hundred times already. But to speak the truth here, I think it is only very few of you who actually understand what this means to me. It's not just some exxagerated bogus that I toss about to mark my feelings for a friend. Nope, it's quite a lot more serious than that. And believe it or not, it is meant to be taken quite literal. You may not be able to understand this, but I am a guardian at heart, and it is my nature to protect. It is like an instinct of mine to protect, and I -need- someone to take care of. And even though I would defend any friend of mine with my life, you may have noticed that I am twice as adamant about protecting my female friends. This has lead to much confusion and misunderstandings, since I am a transgender only sexually attracted to males. And I can't guarantee that you understand me better after having read this journal. Because it's a personal matter that I find challenging to describe with words. But that won't keep me away from at least giving it a try. It's worth it, because I really need -someone- to understand how my mind works.
To speak the truth, I am deeply fascinated by women. No, I actually worship them. There is nothing more beautiful than the feminine anatomy chiseled by our great planet itself, nothing warms my heart more than a woman's natural sense of empathy and some women are embraced by a feminine aura that makes everyone around them feel like jelly. For as long as I can remember, I've always thought that the female gender contribute so much to making life more enchanting and colorful. This is actually one of the many reasons why I am proud of having been born transgendered. Because I have adopted so many of these beautiful qualities from the feminine gender. But as I have grown up and matured further, my view of females have evolved to the point where I see them as spectacular beings blessed with divine beauty that must be protected. It's a dark world and we all know what dangers lurk out there, especially for a woman who is alluringly gorgeous. And the sight of them alone makes my instinct as a guardian quiver like crazy, filling my heart with urges to protect them from everything harmful in the world. This has often lead me to confront various females around FA, to introduce myself and offer them a request for friendship. Because I keep thinking and hoping that my compassion, empathy, loyalty and protectivity is the key to make some women out there very happy. But unfortunately, even though I have made a lot of wonderful friends among females, I still stand back with a serious problem that has yet to be solved. And now I can finally feel the result of it. Because the endless frustration has become downright painful.
Everyone knows I put heart and soul into being protective, and hopefully now, it makes more sense that this especially apply to my female friends. All my heart desires, is to hold them between my arms, keeping them warm and protected. If anyone dares to hurt the feelings of my female friends, then I want to offer them consolation, before heading out to kick the ass of whoeevr did it. If something happens that leaves my female friends depressed, then I want them to come to me, so that we can deal with the pain together. Do you see where I am going at? I want to be their pillar of strength, the significant person who makes them feel comfortable and secure. I want to be the friend that they know will listen to everything, even the personal or intimate issues. Selfish as it may sound, I consider myself the guardian of womanhood, and I always stand up for the feminine gender whenever I can. And I can't even describe how much it means to me, when females consider me one of their own, and even feel secure by knowing that I am there to fight for them. That is truly one of the best gifts that I could ever wish for. But here is the big problem, that is the cause of all this painful frustration - my protectivity is not wanted. I have so many females friends, but few have any interest in accepting my protectivity and clinging onto me for support. Throughout time, I have encountered hundreds of different responses to my protectivity. And now I'm going to speak my mind about the most frequent ones I've received.
You really don't need to worry about me, I can handle myself just fine
To be honest here, I absolutely hate when people say this, because it's the quickest and most effecient way to close the door on a friend who wants to be closer. You know already by this point that the bounderies have been laid out, to prevent the friendship from evolving. Yes, I am sure you can take care of yourself just fine, girl. But surely, don't you think life would be a little easier if you didn't have to deal with all these conflicts on your own? I can understand that you want to keep your pride and prove that you can stand on your own feet. But trust me, there is no shame in counting on a friend for support. A true friend would be honored, if only you'd offer him the opportunity to be involved in your life, so that he can support you when you need it most. What are friends for anyhow? Believe me, there is nothing worse for a true friend than being left outside a locked door, when he knows that you are suffering on the other side. The world would be a sad and depressing place, if we all had to mind our own business and deal with conflicts individually. Alone, we may be fragile - but together, we are strong. Find strength in unity! That is the key to success.
I really appreciate your concern, but I have a boyfriend and lots of other friends to count on
Good for you - but let me ask you this. Are these friends truly able to empathise with your situation? And even if so, what could you possibly lose from giving me the chance of showing my own potential as a friend? Besides, it irks me a lot when females hide behind their boyfriends, to avoid facing the importance of having reliable friends in your life. A boyfriend cannot substitute what influence your friends have on your life. Because believe it or not, there are some personal issues that you'd much rather discuss with your friends than with your boyfriend. A lover is not like an über friend that covers all your needs. He plays a completely different role in your life. Don't be afraid of putting faith in new friends and test their skills in friendship. Because not every friend if a good listener by default. I actually have the impression that most friends would rather not get too involved with your problems.
I don't share things with friends I only know online
Why? Try as you might, you won't find any valid reason for not opening up to an online friend. Because no matter if we live hundreds of miles away or right around the corner, we are all living people and not just text on the screen. Sometimes, you may actually find it easier to share pain with someone over text, since eye contact shatters courage and leaves you stuttering. It's easier to be yourself when you don't have to gaze into someone's eyes and wonder what they think about what you say. If you've given an online friend time and space to prove his loyalty, give it a try. True friends can be found all over the world, and it's not neccesary for you to see them face to face, to know that they'll stand by your side for an eternity. When friends chat online, it's actually easier to focus on their true qualities, which is found in their hearts and personalities. Why? Because you'll have less focus on their physical appearence, and you won't be obstructed by enevitable nervousness. It's easier to be your true self. And then it's up to you to judge, whether if the friend you talk to can be trusted or not. But at the very least, give him a chance.
We haven't known eachother very long yet, so be patient
Oooooh, you have no idea how often I get this. But I can accept this, and if my friends need more time to get to know me, I respect this wholeheartedly. But unfortunately, I've noticed that I end up getting the same reply even months after we met. So that's when I start asking myself, when have we known eachother long enough to trust eaqchother? That is quite relative, you know. To some people, the friendship apparently has to be decades old before you actually start acting like friends. And rushed as it may sound, life is just too short for that. People have often whacked me in the head with a stick for trusting too fast. But from the way I see it, true friends just know that they'll be friends for life, possibly from the first day thet meet. On the other hand, if two people that are definitely NOT going to get along are united, they will also sense the sparks from the very first day. Some friendships take time to evolve, some does not. But when months pass by and you don't do anything to make the friendship evolve, then I say it's just not worth it. I hate to sound cold and cruel, but life is just too short for friendships that bear no promise of blossoming. So if I sense that a friendship isn't going anywhere... then I call it a dud.
I really appreciate that you want to protect me, but I don't want people to think I'm weak
This is a thought that I would wish never crossed anyone's mind. There is no weakness to be found in depending on others. I personally consider it a sign of strength and bravery, when people can find the courage to trust someone else to that extend. In this world, there are two kinds of people - Those that need to protect and those that need to BE protected. When these two types of people are united, they play their given role and completes eachother. But unfortunately, it seems like those people who need to be protected are either hiding or refuse to accept their role, because they think it makes appear weak in the eyes of others.
These are the most common responses I get. There are many more, but these are the only ones I find neccesary to highlight. People may think that it's a nice gesture and all, that I want to protect my friends and treat women so chivalrously. But what they don't understand is, it's not just a favor that I am offering. I NEED females to protect. Being a guardian plays a significant role in my whole identity, and since so incredibly few females are willing to let me protect them as a guardian, I stand back with a protective instinct that is severely understimulated. That is the source of all the frustration I have experienced lately. Despite being transgendered, I treat women like a "gentleman" and hope to stand as an inspiration for men to do the same. Women deserve all the love, care and respect that they can get. And before someone approaches me with the usual "gurlz r nawt purfect! Dey can b bad 2!" YES! YES I KNOW! You don't have to tell me. I'd really appreciate if you don't. Because yes, bad people exist among females too. And trust me, I've met many coldhearted bitches during my search for female friends. So to make this whole journal a bit more specific, my desire of protecting females does only apply to those that are worth it, girls that aren't downright hideous in heart and personality. If someone treats me like dirt, they get no love from me. And that counts for men AND ladies. But you know, I had a long personal talk with someone extremely special to me, and she said something wise that left me thinking. She said that I was like a noble soul ripped out of the medieval times, and born into a world where my sense of chivalry is neither needed or appreciated. The sad thing is, she is absolutely right in that statement. So if we look beside the fact that I stand back with an understimulated need to protect, I've been asking myself this question - Am I nothing more than a shadow from the past that has become obsolete?
Don't be negative on yourself like that. Be yourself. You have your own views and I understand. I'm sure there are females who think like you and the reason why you exist so people like me can learn the views from a transgender and see what we can learn from them. People like me learned from you that anyone can be just as caring and kind as females are. Not to mention in household chores, you see the males take at least some responsibilities of the female and vice-versa hence nowadays its common to see men push the carts with their children in them. One's personality doesn't have to be really gender based; if anything its more with the individual. I still see you as a great friend and I'm sorry if I happen to be a male friend and that you wanted more female friends. But nonetheless I do care about you.
As for your last musing, I wouldn't say that you are obsolete, as I know someone who is a bit like you. He is VERY gentleman like and is quite protective of whom he calls his friend. So there are other people out there that are like you, they are just in fewer numbers.
I also don't know why some people would decline such an offer for some the reasons you listed. Having a close friend like that is something I thought everyone wanted, but I guess not. Don't think it's you, Sinqus...some people just may not know how to react to an offer such as that.
Anyway, I wish you good luck on any others you offer.
I'm very lucky to have come across your page, and you are such a beautiful soul. I hope you never change dear <3
So, here's the question. Ever encounter anyone like that? Someone who'd see your aspirations as the most hideous thing?
By the way, I also noticed you have MSN. May want to check up on that. I heard Microsoft is pulling the plug in March because they want people using Skype.
This can easily be perceived as someone thinking they know the right and only way for other people whose minds they cannot read. However, it is true that many people do hide behind this. For others, factoring in all 7 billion on the planet, there are a few for whom it isn't a matter of thinking. Such individuals are typically not acclimated to the rest of human society in their childhood years. There is a base need in human psychology for companionship, but the factors that influence an individual's psychological development depends heavily on their surroundings. Feral children, for example, are notoriously difficult to verify and several turn out to be hoaxes. Most of them have had some kind of contact with society prior to living feral, but for those that have been reported entirely feral with no known history among other people, the need for unity and fellowship with fellow man may not exist because the concept is beyond their understanding. One such case is Lyohka in Russia, who fled as soon as he could from receiving aid. However--his needs may be supplanted by the reported wolves he associates with. But other species and minimal contact with humans are not a common relation.
According to Maslow's pyramid, social welfare and security is considered a basic human need. This is under the assumption that an individual has what is considered a normal life in civilization, most likely. The pyramid's hierarchy is also disputed and believed by some researchers to be a limited thing. Quite interesting you mention it, though. You're the first and only person I've seen to do so.
You and I are not so different, really. You say that you are a guardian. I am too, but my function differs as does my approach. You intrigue me, actually.
*Smiles* I'm glad you like the icon. It's by far one of the most adorable I have. It is unfortunately also one of the few icons I have that won't get the administrators all angry at me...
I think I can see why you would have such respects for women. They say behind every great man is a woman, which I find to definitely be true. Where is this so called man without the woman to support him? They do a lot, much like yourself for your friends.
I'm not entirely sure you know who I am so I'll try to not sound too much like a self righteous prick, thought it comes and goes honestly lols, if I say something off-putting trust me it's not my intention I'm just always nervous when addressing people I haven't talked to before (hence the extra formalities in my written words).
You and my lady Selma (
I figured I'd take a look at your page, found this journal and was intrigued to say the least, I don't think I've seen anyone who are so deliberate and forthright of their "life mission" as it seems implied by me in this journal. And your sense of loyalty, if it's truly as you great as you claim is nothing but admirable. Although I personally don't like attaching labels to myself I'll compared to you call myself an explorer, just to get my own personality across quicker. I was wondering if I could ask you a few philosophical questions relating to this journal of yours? Your subjective view is the only thing I'm curious for of coarse and if you feel it's not befitting for me to ask for whatever reason just tell me and I'll leave things be.
I'll just say that from the looks of things you appear to be quite the chivalrous person (disregarding that medieval knights was hardly as chivalrous as romanticised by our novel perspective of modern day) and that is in itself a rare thing it seems. At least to the extent to which you seem to possess it, I sure wouldn't say I was myself at all times though I try my best lol. All I wanted to say was that I liked the analogy, a bit distorted as it might've been. And it's nice to see someone who not only claims to be but can actually formulate their opinions in a respectable (this seems especially lacking on the internet) and understandable manner.
Before I close this box though I wanted to address a statement you had said when replying to
"Certainly not my lady! Perhaps you must realize though that individual freedom comes at the cost of others as well as oneself. We make our own choices all of us of coarse, weather that decision is the right or wrong for us well that is something no one can know least one is omnipotent. But you already knew this for sure, personally I see strength in the ability to persevere through hardships both mental and physical and by the looks of it you are quite the strong person, as you must be had you gone through the amount of hardship you seem to have from my subjective perspective. The only thing which is obsolete is that which does nothing, and strength is always needed regardless of the time or place. So long as there is one, just one who accepts the gift you offer them, surely then you can feel your desires to protect has been fulfilled? For as it appears to me it actually has, but I might have misunderstood something along the way...regardless I of coarse cannot help you with your emotions, only to try and explain my perspective of it in the hopes it alleviates some of the stress and pain associated with it.
I do apologize for the long, and language wise dry post, like I explained at the start I'm always nervous/more formal when speaking to others I did not know before. ^^;
I'm aware that it may seem a little unusual for a person such as myself to be so open about my main ambitions in life. But this honestly reflects how significant this subject is to me. I possess a lot of qualities and traits that most people would connect with the past. It may be true that knights of the past weren't as chivalrous as we make them seem in our stories and tales. But still, I have a tendency to compare myself to a knight in medieval times, because this gives people a more clear image of what type of person I am.
Dear Zebby, I really want to thank you for the kind words. The boost of confidence is highly appreciated, especially during these dark times where I have so much to struggle with. If you had any questions that you would like to ask me, then you are welcome to send me a PM any time. I am pretty much an open book.