I can't sleep. It's 6 am and I can't fucking sleep because my brain won't stop yelling at my mom all the way in St. Peters, hoping to hell that maybe she'll hear it. I'm tempted to call her tomorrow and chew her out. Because if she can't get her shit together then I don't think I have any choice but to duck away from my family until she dies. Sounds harsh but I think that is my new reality. Everywhere I go, she seems to somehow find me and follow. So everywhere I go, I seem to bring her shitstorm with me. And not only am I tired of pulling that weight, hell, 21 years can be a long ass time depending on your burdens, but I'm tired of poisoning the lives of the ones I love. When I was a little girl, half of the time I raised myself because she couldn't be a full-time mother for me. When I was a little girl, she acted like I was more her property than her daughter. When I was a little girl, she brainwashed me so that I would be completely dependent on and loyal to her. I had to ignore the marijuana, the cocaine, the many men that seemed to constantly be walking in and back out of my life, not a single one of them my father. I had to ignore the alienation, and anger, the rage. I didn't get a nice childhood, but then again, no one really does. Still, I'm not going to let that or her bleed into my adult life and poison that too. I'm too tired. I'm a warrior that's been fighting the same battle for far too long. I just want the war to be over......