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Questing Hydra, Sneaky Gryphon
19 years ago
General
Sometimes I wonder...
Are we supposed to try? Are we supposed to seek the companionship of others, or is that companionship supposed to seek us, draw two witless bystanders together with haphazard abandon? Talking to Cougy has led me to think about relationships again.
I've seen a lot of relationships here on FA, and nothing stabs me in the heart more surely or accurately than the subject of Love. It's a spiderweb... Can it really do me much harm to look, though? I will be reminded that I have no one. And then what? Do I try to half-heartedly sucker some poor victim into courtship? Oh, ye gods, why on EARTH would I want to do that...? Do you have ANY worldly idea how SELFISH it is to want to hook up with someone just because you want to be in a relationship?
It's real selfish. I can't stand how selfish it is.
See, there's a thorn in my side. I have a major 'thing' for talent. Musical talent, Artistic talent, Literary talent... If I see artistic, I'll develop a crush; it's a given. Doesn't matter if they're male or female, gay or straight, a part of my heart is lost to them forever. Does it matter? No. My heart is already split more ways than I can count and its fragments are so miniscule and ephemeral that they might as well not even exist. I am the only one that knows that they're even there, and the fact of their beingness is undeniable to me.
It is said that whenever two people look at eachother for the first time, the first thing into their mutual minds is "Do I want to fuck them?", completely subliminally, from the most reserved and polite gentlefurre to the raunchiest howling horndog, to the most shy and innocent intellectual, to the craziest, wildest partier. For me, if it's there, it's linked to their talent. Every girl I've ever had any sort of active interest in has been talented, and every talented person I've ever met has left the question in my mind (Regardless of gender, even). And when I see someone with talent 'with' someone who is completely talentless, it's a blasphemy; a ludicrous, criminal, disgusting shame. Then the jealousy sets in.
Of course, these are all observations. But what for? What have I been examining myself about this for, for all the past seven years of sentient memory?
It is precisely that my heart is piloted by a three-headed hydra of sorts:
One of them is dedicatedly and devotedly chasing after a carrot dangling from a stick in front of it.
One of them is grumpily sitting down and completely giving up on all hope for that stupid carrot, JUST FINE with never, ever getting it, but still assenting, begrudgingly, to be dragged along by Carrot Chaser #1.
The last one is smugly scanning the roadside for Carrot Stands as they go.
Hydra Head #3 keeps me looking for openings elsewhere.
I hate this quality of myself, because it feels very greedy and selfish, to search for "an opening" or "an advantage" as though this were all some kind of stupid game. And yet, I don't hate it enough to remove it... because I have to wonder, what if it WORKS?
My brain is controlled by a dragon with a calculator, though, and to the above question, he pulls it out of his white labcoat and punches the keys on his trusty 'ol countin' machine. Then, with a humorless smirk and half-lidded unimpressed eyes, he reports, "If it works, you're going to find out that that particular carrot is not very tastey, Mr. Hawk, and then you're going to spit it out, the hydras will be livid with suicidal, obliviating rage, and you're going to be a very sad puppy."
To which I reply, "Yes, Mr. Dragon, that sounds quite familliar, but--then what if it is a TASTEY carrot?"
The dragon shrugs with an obvious roll of his eyes "How the hell should I know? I'm a carnivore. I like meat. I EAT COWS WHOLE. Please."
The calculator-wielding, labcoat-wearing dragon in my head is not very interested in carrots, and I suspect him to be in league with Hydra Head #2... traitorous bastard.
"Oh PLEASE--I'm supposed to look out for YOUR WELLBEING, MISTER. STONE. HAWK. What, you WANT me to let you run around stabbing yourself? Wash your face in a deep fat frier?"
... But y'know, it does figure sometimes that you need to leave your brain behind when you fall in love. I'm sure some of us in the furry community know what it means to be STUPIDLY HAPPY. It's probably the most blissful of all ignorances.
Now, I am by no means bitter at my lonliness, nor am I depressed... Really, I'm using this text box for another emotional enema, another catharsis of psychotic bile spewing all over the page, and honestly these are things I've wanted to put in black and white so I can see it. Don't you worry about me, I'm not going to go EMO on you or anything; Fact is, I'm GLAD no one understands me! The LAST thing this world needs is more batshit crazies running around. ... or is it?
I have to be curious, though. Curiosity is a good thing. My curiosity right now seems like a fuzzy, fluffy gryphon with pristine white fur and feathers and a black beak, very small and chibi. But I'm not going to give him a cameo *SHOVE off-stage* >CRASH!< so you can forget that part.
Curiosity--
"Whrr?"
Sorry--*SHOVE!* >CRASH!<
Erhm... As I was saying, Curios-- *glances at the gryffe accusingly* --ity.. leads me to initialize the character impression data of each of the individuals involved in many depicted love scenes, somewhat 'adopting' their character for brief flashes of time... The emotions are delicious. All those sappy love songs out there are all the perfect choice of words when you realize it. All the wonderful stuff they say about love that makes it jaw-rottingly sweet and happy, love really DOES get that happy, and especially in the way these people depict it... gods.
My heart is obviously easily mistakeable for being weak, but in actuality, despite its pliableness, it happens to be tough and very, very chewy, just like the flesh it's made of, or so it seems. I'll fall in love, blunder up, it'll sting for a little bit if I'm the reciever of THE DUMP, but eventually I revert with nothing to show for my fault except for dazed confusion and a minor footnote of whoops. It'd be downright depressing if I cared. It's always good ammo if I feel like sulking on some rainy day, but I haven't, so it doesn't matter.
My heart, though, for its flexibility, makes it a little too easy for me to fall in love, with anyone worthwhile, because my scope of worthwhileness is so wide now... And this makes for a problem: If I find someone who is incredibly talented, nice to me, AND isn't ZOMGRUNAWAY at the idea of a 'relationship', I'll never have any idea there's a problem or an inconsistency until it's far too late. Picture it:
Hydra2: OOH! CARROTSTAND! *SLURP*
Stoney: No, those are tomatoes.
Hydra2: Oh. Bleah *spit* ... OOH! CARROT STAND! *CRUNCH*
Stoney: No, those aren't carrots either, that's Corn.
Hydra2: Oh. *eject!* AHA! CARROTS! *CHOMP*
Stoney: Those are CUCUMBERS! >_<
And so on.
It makes for a very expensive shopping list. I'm surprised they haven't banned me and my anthropomorphised aspects from the produce section. Though Brain is NEVER going to the meats section AGAIN.
"Whaaaat! I was curious!"
"Meep?"
*SHOVE* >CRASH<
Ahem...
I'm sorry you had to see that.
There are some fucking AMAZING artists here with the godsdamned CUTEST personalities I've ever seen and seem to have everything going for them except mention of a mate. And sometimes I feel like I'm a chainlink fence barring an asteroid -_- horribly inadequate and hopeless. Am I doing them a favor trying to protect them from the train wreck that is Me? Or am I overestimating my danger? Am I afraid of hurting them, or am I simply afraid of hurting myself? Even worse than getting dumped... is the idea of having a monstrous crush on someone, being granted the chance to pursue it... and then falling out of love with them, or finding out they aren't who I thought they were. I don't want to put up unrealistic expectations that they can't possibly live up to... and yet the idea of following Hydra Head #2 into a life of loneliness seems... threateningly depressing.
And then there's the biggest question of all:
If I start trying again, if I start investing energy into finding myself a mate, will it even produce worthwhile results?
*spots Curiosity peeking into the picture... but picks it up and gives the tiny fuzzy white gryffe a hug* No matter how much I try, I don't think I'll be able to shove my questions aside forever.
"Squeek!"
Mmhmm.
Are we supposed to try? Are we supposed to seek the companionship of others, or is that companionship supposed to seek us, draw two witless bystanders together with haphazard abandon? Talking to Cougy has led me to think about relationships again.
I've seen a lot of relationships here on FA, and nothing stabs me in the heart more surely or accurately than the subject of Love. It's a spiderweb... Can it really do me much harm to look, though? I will be reminded that I have no one. And then what? Do I try to half-heartedly sucker some poor victim into courtship? Oh, ye gods, why on EARTH would I want to do that...? Do you have ANY worldly idea how SELFISH it is to want to hook up with someone just because you want to be in a relationship?
It's real selfish. I can't stand how selfish it is.
See, there's a thorn in my side. I have a major 'thing' for talent. Musical talent, Artistic talent, Literary talent... If I see artistic, I'll develop a crush; it's a given. Doesn't matter if they're male or female, gay or straight, a part of my heart is lost to them forever. Does it matter? No. My heart is already split more ways than I can count and its fragments are so miniscule and ephemeral that they might as well not even exist. I am the only one that knows that they're even there, and the fact of their beingness is undeniable to me.
It is said that whenever two people look at eachother for the first time, the first thing into their mutual minds is "Do I want to fuck them?", completely subliminally, from the most reserved and polite gentlefurre to the raunchiest howling horndog, to the most shy and innocent intellectual, to the craziest, wildest partier. For me, if it's there, it's linked to their talent. Every girl I've ever had any sort of active interest in has been talented, and every talented person I've ever met has left the question in my mind (Regardless of gender, even). And when I see someone with talent 'with' someone who is completely talentless, it's a blasphemy; a ludicrous, criminal, disgusting shame. Then the jealousy sets in.
Of course, these are all observations. But what for? What have I been examining myself about this for, for all the past seven years of sentient memory?
It is precisely that my heart is piloted by a three-headed hydra of sorts:
One of them is dedicatedly and devotedly chasing after a carrot dangling from a stick in front of it.
One of them is grumpily sitting down and completely giving up on all hope for that stupid carrot, JUST FINE with never, ever getting it, but still assenting, begrudgingly, to be dragged along by Carrot Chaser #1.
The last one is smugly scanning the roadside for Carrot Stands as they go.
Hydra Head #3 keeps me looking for openings elsewhere.
I hate this quality of myself, because it feels very greedy and selfish, to search for "an opening" or "an advantage" as though this were all some kind of stupid game. And yet, I don't hate it enough to remove it... because I have to wonder, what if it WORKS?
My brain is controlled by a dragon with a calculator, though, and to the above question, he pulls it out of his white labcoat and punches the keys on his trusty 'ol countin' machine. Then, with a humorless smirk and half-lidded unimpressed eyes, he reports, "If it works, you're going to find out that that particular carrot is not very tastey, Mr. Hawk, and then you're going to spit it out, the hydras will be livid with suicidal, obliviating rage, and you're going to be a very sad puppy."
To which I reply, "Yes, Mr. Dragon, that sounds quite familliar, but--then what if it is a TASTEY carrot?"
The dragon shrugs with an obvious roll of his eyes "How the hell should I know? I'm a carnivore. I like meat. I EAT COWS WHOLE. Please."
The calculator-wielding, labcoat-wearing dragon in my head is not very interested in carrots, and I suspect him to be in league with Hydra Head #2... traitorous bastard.
"Oh PLEASE--I'm supposed to look out for YOUR WELLBEING, MISTER. STONE. HAWK. What, you WANT me to let you run around stabbing yourself? Wash your face in a deep fat frier?"
... But y'know, it does figure sometimes that you need to leave your brain behind when you fall in love. I'm sure some of us in the furry community know what it means to be STUPIDLY HAPPY. It's probably the most blissful of all ignorances.
Now, I am by no means bitter at my lonliness, nor am I depressed... Really, I'm using this text box for another emotional enema, another catharsis of psychotic bile spewing all over the page, and honestly these are things I've wanted to put in black and white so I can see it. Don't you worry about me, I'm not going to go EMO on you or anything; Fact is, I'm GLAD no one understands me! The LAST thing this world needs is more batshit crazies running around. ... or is it?
I have to be curious, though. Curiosity is a good thing. My curiosity right now seems like a fuzzy, fluffy gryphon with pristine white fur and feathers and a black beak, very small and chibi. But I'm not going to give him a cameo *SHOVE off-stage* >CRASH!< so you can forget that part.
Curiosity--
"Whrr?"
Sorry--*SHOVE!* >CRASH!<
Erhm... As I was saying, Curios-- *glances at the gryffe accusingly* --ity.. leads me to initialize the character impression data of each of the individuals involved in many depicted love scenes, somewhat 'adopting' their character for brief flashes of time... The emotions are delicious. All those sappy love songs out there are all the perfect choice of words when you realize it. All the wonderful stuff they say about love that makes it jaw-rottingly sweet and happy, love really DOES get that happy, and especially in the way these people depict it... gods.
My heart is obviously easily mistakeable for being weak, but in actuality, despite its pliableness, it happens to be tough and very, very chewy, just like the flesh it's made of, or so it seems. I'll fall in love, blunder up, it'll sting for a little bit if I'm the reciever of THE DUMP, but eventually I revert with nothing to show for my fault except for dazed confusion and a minor footnote of whoops. It'd be downright depressing if I cared. It's always good ammo if I feel like sulking on some rainy day, but I haven't, so it doesn't matter.
My heart, though, for its flexibility, makes it a little too easy for me to fall in love, with anyone worthwhile, because my scope of worthwhileness is so wide now... And this makes for a problem: If I find someone who is incredibly talented, nice to me, AND isn't ZOMGRUNAWAY at the idea of a 'relationship', I'll never have any idea there's a problem or an inconsistency until it's far too late. Picture it:
Hydra2: OOH! CARROTSTAND! *SLURP*
Stoney: No, those are tomatoes.
Hydra2: Oh. Bleah *spit* ... OOH! CARROT STAND! *CRUNCH*
Stoney: No, those aren't carrots either, that's Corn.
Hydra2: Oh. *eject!* AHA! CARROTS! *CHOMP*
Stoney: Those are CUCUMBERS! >_<
And so on.
It makes for a very expensive shopping list. I'm surprised they haven't banned me and my anthropomorphised aspects from the produce section. Though Brain is NEVER going to the meats section AGAIN.
"Whaaaat! I was curious!"
"Meep?"
*SHOVE* >CRASH<
Ahem...
I'm sorry you had to see that.
There are some fucking AMAZING artists here with the godsdamned CUTEST personalities I've ever seen and seem to have everything going for them except mention of a mate. And sometimes I feel like I'm a chainlink fence barring an asteroid -_- horribly inadequate and hopeless. Am I doing them a favor trying to protect them from the train wreck that is Me? Or am I overestimating my danger? Am I afraid of hurting them, or am I simply afraid of hurting myself? Even worse than getting dumped... is the idea of having a monstrous crush on someone, being granted the chance to pursue it... and then falling out of love with them, or finding out they aren't who I thought they were. I don't want to put up unrealistic expectations that they can't possibly live up to... and yet the idea of following Hydra Head #2 into a life of loneliness seems... threateningly depressing.
And then there's the biggest question of all:
If I start trying again, if I start investing energy into finding myself a mate, will it even produce worthwhile results?
*spots Curiosity peeking into the picture... but picks it up and gives the tiny fuzzy white gryffe a hug* No matter how much I try, I don't think I'll be able to shove my questions aside forever.
"Squeek!"
Mmhmm.
