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and as his world crumbles, so does mine
12 years ago
Trigger warning for self hatred and all that bullshit.
the past 36 hours have been some of the most mind fucking I've ever known. Happy to see my friend/soulmate, and yet... I'll cut the extra bullshit out and get to where my entire world just fell apart.
And then shows me a picture and says “this is my dream girl - no offense”.
I died. I just died.
He kept saying how in 6 or 7 years, when HER life settles down, maybe they could date or something. That he’s way too jealous a person to be with her while she models, and guys are lusting after her.
“you don’t seem that jealous to me”
“that’s because you haven’t dated me” as he headed outside for a smoke. And as he closed the door, I mumbled “maybe, but I wish”.
I’m not the girl of his dreams. Why does that hurt so much? Because I’ll never be the girl he fell in love with again. I’ll never be the pretty face he pointed out as “beautiful” in those pictures on my fridge. “don’t get jealous” he said, smiling. How could I not. Unlike this girl, I was never told he wanted to date me. The time he spent here, was the first time he was ever romantic and otherwise gentle with me.
I’ve been faced with the cold hard truth. The entirety of my coming out I thought I had someone on my side. Now I wonder if anyone will ever love me enough or at all. How could they. I’m just a worthless piece of gender confused shit. And here I go again, weighing my options. Would I rather die and save myself the trouble, or would I rather live as a girl and spare the people around me.
With FC just a couple days away... I just
I don't even know
the past 36 hours have been some of the most mind fucking I've ever known. Happy to see my friend/soulmate, and yet... I'll cut the extra bullshit out and get to where my entire world just fell apart.
And then shows me a picture and says “this is my dream girl - no offense”.
I died. I just died.
He kept saying how in 6 or 7 years, when HER life settles down, maybe they could date or something. That he’s way too jealous a person to be with her while she models, and guys are lusting after her.
“you don’t seem that jealous to me”
“that’s because you haven’t dated me” as he headed outside for a smoke. And as he closed the door, I mumbled “maybe, but I wish”.
I’m not the girl of his dreams. Why does that hurt so much? Because I’ll never be the girl he fell in love with again. I’ll never be the pretty face he pointed out as “beautiful” in those pictures on my fridge. “don’t get jealous” he said, smiling. How could I not. Unlike this girl, I was never told he wanted to date me. The time he spent here, was the first time he was ever romantic and otherwise gentle with me.
I’ve been faced with the cold hard truth. The entirety of my coming out I thought I had someone on my side. Now I wonder if anyone will ever love me enough or at all. How could they. I’m just a worthless piece of gender confused shit. And here I go again, weighing my options. Would I rather die and save myself the trouble, or would I rather live as a girl and spare the people around me.
With FC just a couple days away... I just
I don't even know
I'm glad that I stuck it out and kept my room because I will have friends to hang with and enjoy some good times again. I can't wait to see you and give you that hug I owe you.
also your friend might want to date that girl but that girl might not want to date him... food for thought and 6-7 years is a long time and people change. My dream girl is nothing like it was 5 years ago, in fact I feel like I have mine now.
you and can't wait to catch up on things!
see ya in two days!
Well see. I'm much better now tho. Leaving in less than 24 hours!