well for the second week in a row. every single day. the internet cuts out. I have no idea why. then it gets fixed and i get back on late at night after i just fall into doing stuff. usually stuff that hurts.

i figured out a part of why i am so angry. what may be partially fueling this depression today and was going to make a big post about it filled with anger and bile and possibly just getting a lot out of my system like i so desperately need to. instead i stood in the kitchen for about an hour crying cause the internet went out. i want and need someone to share it with but then i realized that as i was starting to calm down that no one really would give a shit. or at least that has been the thing that i have gotten over the years that it was nothing of note. even though it was one of the only things i could ever take any pride in.

another thing that i keep getting hit with is the whole people who hurt you do not matter BULLSHIT. the only way you can truly hurt me is if you DO MATTER. yeah getting hit by cell phones and frostys and other shit can hurt, getting insults thrown at me can hurt. but those hurts are minor. those hurts while they do stack up and can eventually cause real pain take a lot of them to actually hurt like ONE comment from someone i really really love. and i know some of you recently have given me shit about being compared to people in my past who hurt me. the thing you never understood at all when i said that is thus. The ONLY reason those people in the past could hurt me is because they MATTER. they STILL MATTER to me. I have never stopped loving anyone. I may not like them much sometimes but i still love them. and guess what. when i say that you are reminding me of them it is because I thing YOU MATTER TOO. deeply. which is why people can hurt me.

I think maybe i have, even though i have bitched a LOT and complained a LOT over the last decade, kept a lot more bottled up inside me. more than i realized. I know some of what i have kept in. but this rancid poison is thick in me.

i am sorry.