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FIRST EVER VENT JOURNAL.
13 years ago
warning: lots of talk about bdsm, kink, and lots of cursing. you may be offended. you will also definitely learn some things about me.
i am so fucking upset right now i don't even know what to do with myself. i have homework that needs doing that i just can't. its just one thigns after another after another.
for starts, i'm extremely insecure about myself. i'm painfully aware of this. and painfully aware that there is ALWAYS someone who is already far better at what i want to do that i could ever dream of being. i'm also painfully aware that because i've been hit 3 times in car accidents, i now have severe damange to my spine and ligaments which means i probably wont be able to bend and move very well... well... i already have toruble gettin out of a chair, so 10-15 years from now? may be stuck in a chair permanently.
but there are some places i go, some people i can be around, where i feel safe. where these things don't bother me as much, palces where i can feel normal.
one of those places is the furry fandom--furry conventions, and hangouts with my local furs. i don't feel liek such a freak when i'm surrounded by other people who escape through animal personas and artwork...
the other place is the BDSM scene. i've been into bdsm since i was about 17 and had my first legit kink relationship. that's when i discovered how good it made me feel, and how comfortable i felt. I've been practicing with people in private for years and consider myself very knowledgeable about a variety of topics. i have my things i don't have alot of PRACTICE in, such as flogging [i can't actually hold a flogger in my left hand because i have weak wrists], or other such things that require practice, but when it comes to understanding people and the reasons for kink, and putting THAT into practice, i consider myself pretty damn good. i know there are people better than me, but i like to think i am capable of finding people's kinks and forcing them to live out their dark dreams and therefor grow and become more comfortable with themselves as people. that's sorta my own biggest kink, is helping other people through bdsm, more specifically through D/s mindplay type stuff. i'm really great with sissification, forced gender roles, and anything that basically requires someone to take on another persona. i dont practice ageplay, but i've looked into it and talked to enough people that i feel i understand many different purposes and psychological reasons to why people enjoy being on either end of ageplay, and thus i am confidant that if asked, i could perform well as a mother figure.
all this said, lets go back a few months to when i first got into the scene. it was all because i commented on someone's picture on fetlife [basically facebook for kinky people], and told them i admired the ropework and wished i could do that. the next day i got a message from the person asking me about my interest, i told him i knew very little but was eager to learn, he asked if i wanted to meet. i then realized that his location said he lived in the same city as me. two days later i was at his apartment, which happened to be literally 4 miles down the road from me. and yes, i do believe in fate, the vicinity had a big role in my agreeing to meet. it started with him explaining how ropework [shibari, in case you hadnt figured out] works, both n the physical and mental level. we talked about the medical stuff, the emotional effects, and the spiritual/energy of doing rope with someone. he offered to tie me to see how i felt about it before he taught me, and i agreed on the basis that if i am to learn a bdsm skill to use on others, i need to experience it myself at least once. he tied me, and by god it was one of the most amazing experiences i have every had. the act of him tying me was something i can't evne begin to explain... you have no idea, but the end result really doesnt matter, tis the process... unless of course you're being suspended. in which case, once you're in the air, it gets about 1000x better. he ended up suspending me that night. and i was hooked.
we basically dated, but didnt call it that. insert drama with his exgirlfriend. that ended. we were good. but my winter break happened and he was never the one to get in touch with me first... so we just lost touch... it onyl really hit me a week ago when i lost another person.
i lost my own best friend.
she and i started attending events at the same time, it was kinda our thing. it felt great because for a good number of years we'd been estranged, and i always felt that alot of that reason was because her bf didnt like me, since before they dated, he and i dated for almost 2 years, and i broke up with him... so, alot of beef there... thing is, he had zero interest in kink, and he knew i cared alot for my friend so he basically only was comfortable with ehr going as long as I was there. and i know her goal was to get him involved, but i guess what i didn't realize was that once she did have him in, she wouldnt need me anymore. i was her protector, literally, her guardian. it was my job to help her set up scenes, and then to sit by and help the top handle her, because she is a very unique sort of bottom in that her reactions do not follow any sort of method or consisitency. usually you slow or end a scene when one of htese tings happens--person's skin changes color, person becomes very hot to the touch, person becomes quiet and unresponsive. however, the color and temp thing happened for her after 5 minutes... she's a heavy bottom, basically couldn't feel pain unless it was a pointed dragontail being whipped by a musclehead at 40+ mph. and even then she would go "oh that feels nice"
having been her friend for 10 years, i had a really close connection with her. i could basically read her energy and just sorta... be able to tell when she was entering subspace or when the scene needed to end. and At the end, i would be exhausted from expending my energy trying to calibrate and balance with her, and also from guiding the dom in understanding how she works.
well, now she doesn't need me. there's strike two.
but still, this is just two people not enccessarily needing me around anymore. and it doesnt really change how comfortable i feel in my local scene, it just changes who i hang out with. until my friend decided it would be a good idea to bring one of our vanilla friends to the scene because she was curious what a dungeon looked like. did i mention this girl considers herself a pro troll and /b fag? not that she calls herself a fag, she's a 5'11 drop dead gorgeous super model material, who likes to bitch about everything ever and never really do anythign to change her life except she attended paul mitchell hair school and suddenly she's more accomplished than the rest of us because SHE GRADUATED HURRHURR bitch didnt get a diploma, or even a fucking certification. SHE STILL HAD TO TAKE HER DAMNED CERTIFICATION TEST! [ironic tidbit, the guy mentioned in the beginning actually wrote the guidelines for the paul mitchell certification test back when he was in grad school when he was like 19 or 20. he's 27 now--supergenius type]
needless to say, having this girl who'se known me since 7th grade and always been a cunt to me was rather unnerving. i got scared. i sat at my computer staring at my skype wondering who to tlak to about this.
then i had a panic attack and passed out for a couple hours.
i literally had a panic attack just thinking about this girl, who btw lives in alabama and not close enough to really get into the atlanta scene, coming to events.
so i sent her a message saying we need to talk, that i'm scared and we both need to get shit off our chests because there's obvious beef. and she tells me she doesnt have any problems with me but i'm welcome to talk to her.
so i talked. for over a thousand words. about pretty much every major thing since highschool that i feel she's wronged me in, and about how i dont really think she's malicious but its just how she is, but regardless, i'm fucking scared and intimidated by her, and this is my comfort zone and i dont want our past coming into this scene and messing it up... not to mention, she's new, and i know my way around pretty damn well and i know important people so if she wants help i can help her with anything, be it my own knowledge, or reccomending the best person for the job.
she basically responded telling me she doesnt know where i got my "know-it-all" complex and that i dont know shit about the scene or shit about what she's into [ironic tidbit-- i know the guy she scened with, the scene he did on her, he tested on me first... so unbeknownst to her i actually DO know what she's into, and all about those particular kinks... i have them too.]
basically she told me i needed to stop being a bitch and check my priveledge, that she didnt need my permission to be in the scene, and that i need to stop being a know-it-all and that i should have come to her when the problem arose.
BITCH YOU WENT TO A PARTY 11 DAYS AGO, I FOUND OUT AND HAD A PANIC ATTACK 9 DAYS AGO, AND I MESSAGED YOU 6 DAYS AGO. DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH FASTER I COULDA TOLD YOU.
i seriously couldn't even finish reading her god damned message it hurt so much. like literally hurt, my chest is aching from anxiety
i have severe chronic anxiety and my meds recently started giving me a rash so i had to quit and havent gotten new ones yet
i just can't even deal. i'm so upset.
i feel like i've had a huge part of my life ripped away from me. there is this huge thing that means so much to me and i feel like this bitch is coming in and stomping all over me telling me i don't know shit and need to stop pretending and i can't even get her to understand that for one in my god damned life, i actually AM GOOD AT SOMETHING. like really good. i have brought people joy, and helped people overcome personal problems. i have made friends. and people respect me. RESPECT. ME. that is huge for me. because i was basically bullied my entire life form 4th grade to senior year. even my own close friends bullied my. that bitch stole my car at least 7 times in high school to go on joyrides with her gay bff. and then lied to me about it every time even though i coudl see their damned tweets.
i don't know what to do with myself.
i can't function. like i got her msg last night and waited til today when i was feeling good to read it so hopefully i could handle whatever she threw at me, but i expected to much. i expected her to show me a sliver of respect, which is kinda the basic number one rule of the BDSM scene--respect everyone.
but no. she couldn't do that. she never will. and now i can't go to events she'll be at, or else there will be drama. and i don't want to cause anybody any trouble.
i know to some people this may seem ridiculous but bdsm is a big part of my life. bigger than the whole furry thing. taking bdsm away is kinda like taking art out of my life. it takes away a massive chunk of who i am as a person. i'm not even capable of having a normal relaitonship.
so here i am, commissions and homework that need doing. i lost 5 hours from being stuck in a closet hiding from tornado warnings all day, and now i can't even get my work done because i'm so depressed and anxious i can hardly breath. you ever get so upset you are sobbing but you can't even cry tears?
i feel so damned alone right now. getting real tired of this shit. i always try to be strong but i'm such a fucked up person.. and everybody keeps reminding me, whether its my friends bitchign at me for whatever, or my mom pitying and apologizing to me to screwing up in raising me.
the only thing worse than being terminally broken, is knowing just how broken you are.
i am so fucking upset right now i don't even know what to do with myself. i have homework that needs doing that i just can't. its just one thigns after another after another.
for starts, i'm extremely insecure about myself. i'm painfully aware of this. and painfully aware that there is ALWAYS someone who is already far better at what i want to do that i could ever dream of being. i'm also painfully aware that because i've been hit 3 times in car accidents, i now have severe damange to my spine and ligaments which means i probably wont be able to bend and move very well... well... i already have toruble gettin out of a chair, so 10-15 years from now? may be stuck in a chair permanently.
but there are some places i go, some people i can be around, where i feel safe. where these things don't bother me as much, palces where i can feel normal.
one of those places is the furry fandom--furry conventions, and hangouts with my local furs. i don't feel liek such a freak when i'm surrounded by other people who escape through animal personas and artwork...
the other place is the BDSM scene. i've been into bdsm since i was about 17 and had my first legit kink relationship. that's when i discovered how good it made me feel, and how comfortable i felt. I've been practicing with people in private for years and consider myself very knowledgeable about a variety of topics. i have my things i don't have alot of PRACTICE in, such as flogging [i can't actually hold a flogger in my left hand because i have weak wrists], or other such things that require practice, but when it comes to understanding people and the reasons for kink, and putting THAT into practice, i consider myself pretty damn good. i know there are people better than me, but i like to think i am capable of finding people's kinks and forcing them to live out their dark dreams and therefor grow and become more comfortable with themselves as people. that's sorta my own biggest kink, is helping other people through bdsm, more specifically through D/s mindplay type stuff. i'm really great with sissification, forced gender roles, and anything that basically requires someone to take on another persona. i dont practice ageplay, but i've looked into it and talked to enough people that i feel i understand many different purposes and psychological reasons to why people enjoy being on either end of ageplay, and thus i am confidant that if asked, i could perform well as a mother figure.
all this said, lets go back a few months to when i first got into the scene. it was all because i commented on someone's picture on fetlife [basically facebook for kinky people], and told them i admired the ropework and wished i could do that. the next day i got a message from the person asking me about my interest, i told him i knew very little but was eager to learn, he asked if i wanted to meet. i then realized that his location said he lived in the same city as me. two days later i was at his apartment, which happened to be literally 4 miles down the road from me. and yes, i do believe in fate, the vicinity had a big role in my agreeing to meet. it started with him explaining how ropework [shibari, in case you hadnt figured out] works, both n the physical and mental level. we talked about the medical stuff, the emotional effects, and the spiritual/energy of doing rope with someone. he offered to tie me to see how i felt about it before he taught me, and i agreed on the basis that if i am to learn a bdsm skill to use on others, i need to experience it myself at least once. he tied me, and by god it was one of the most amazing experiences i have every had. the act of him tying me was something i can't evne begin to explain... you have no idea, but the end result really doesnt matter, tis the process... unless of course you're being suspended. in which case, once you're in the air, it gets about 1000x better. he ended up suspending me that night. and i was hooked.
we basically dated, but didnt call it that. insert drama with his exgirlfriend. that ended. we were good. but my winter break happened and he was never the one to get in touch with me first... so we just lost touch... it onyl really hit me a week ago when i lost another person.
i lost my own best friend.
she and i started attending events at the same time, it was kinda our thing. it felt great because for a good number of years we'd been estranged, and i always felt that alot of that reason was because her bf didnt like me, since before they dated, he and i dated for almost 2 years, and i broke up with him... so, alot of beef there... thing is, he had zero interest in kink, and he knew i cared alot for my friend so he basically only was comfortable with ehr going as long as I was there. and i know her goal was to get him involved, but i guess what i didn't realize was that once she did have him in, she wouldnt need me anymore. i was her protector, literally, her guardian. it was my job to help her set up scenes, and then to sit by and help the top handle her, because she is a very unique sort of bottom in that her reactions do not follow any sort of method or consisitency. usually you slow or end a scene when one of htese tings happens--person's skin changes color, person becomes very hot to the touch, person becomes quiet and unresponsive. however, the color and temp thing happened for her after 5 minutes... she's a heavy bottom, basically couldn't feel pain unless it was a pointed dragontail being whipped by a musclehead at 40+ mph. and even then she would go "oh that feels nice"
having been her friend for 10 years, i had a really close connection with her. i could basically read her energy and just sorta... be able to tell when she was entering subspace or when the scene needed to end. and At the end, i would be exhausted from expending my energy trying to calibrate and balance with her, and also from guiding the dom in understanding how she works.
well, now she doesn't need me. there's strike two.
but still, this is just two people not enccessarily needing me around anymore. and it doesnt really change how comfortable i feel in my local scene, it just changes who i hang out with. until my friend decided it would be a good idea to bring one of our vanilla friends to the scene because she was curious what a dungeon looked like. did i mention this girl considers herself a pro troll and /b fag? not that she calls herself a fag, she's a 5'11 drop dead gorgeous super model material, who likes to bitch about everything ever and never really do anythign to change her life except she attended paul mitchell hair school and suddenly she's more accomplished than the rest of us because SHE GRADUATED HURRHURR bitch didnt get a diploma, or even a fucking certification. SHE STILL HAD TO TAKE HER DAMNED CERTIFICATION TEST! [ironic tidbit, the guy mentioned in the beginning actually wrote the guidelines for the paul mitchell certification test back when he was in grad school when he was like 19 or 20. he's 27 now--supergenius type]
needless to say, having this girl who'se known me since 7th grade and always been a cunt to me was rather unnerving. i got scared. i sat at my computer staring at my skype wondering who to tlak to about this.
then i had a panic attack and passed out for a couple hours.
i literally had a panic attack just thinking about this girl, who btw lives in alabama and not close enough to really get into the atlanta scene, coming to events.
so i sent her a message saying we need to talk, that i'm scared and we both need to get shit off our chests because there's obvious beef. and she tells me she doesnt have any problems with me but i'm welcome to talk to her.
so i talked. for over a thousand words. about pretty much every major thing since highschool that i feel she's wronged me in, and about how i dont really think she's malicious but its just how she is, but regardless, i'm fucking scared and intimidated by her, and this is my comfort zone and i dont want our past coming into this scene and messing it up... not to mention, she's new, and i know my way around pretty damn well and i know important people so if she wants help i can help her with anything, be it my own knowledge, or reccomending the best person for the job.
she basically responded telling me she doesnt know where i got my "know-it-all" complex and that i dont know shit about the scene or shit about what she's into [ironic tidbit-- i know the guy she scened with, the scene he did on her, he tested on me first... so unbeknownst to her i actually DO know what she's into, and all about those particular kinks... i have them too.]
basically she told me i needed to stop being a bitch and check my priveledge, that she didnt need my permission to be in the scene, and that i need to stop being a know-it-all and that i should have come to her when the problem arose.
BITCH YOU WENT TO A PARTY 11 DAYS AGO, I FOUND OUT AND HAD A PANIC ATTACK 9 DAYS AGO, AND I MESSAGED YOU 6 DAYS AGO. DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH FASTER I COULDA TOLD YOU.
i seriously couldn't even finish reading her god damned message it hurt so much. like literally hurt, my chest is aching from anxiety
i have severe chronic anxiety and my meds recently started giving me a rash so i had to quit and havent gotten new ones yet
i just can't even deal. i'm so upset.
i feel like i've had a huge part of my life ripped away from me. there is this huge thing that means so much to me and i feel like this bitch is coming in and stomping all over me telling me i don't know shit and need to stop pretending and i can't even get her to understand that for one in my god damned life, i actually AM GOOD AT SOMETHING. like really good. i have brought people joy, and helped people overcome personal problems. i have made friends. and people respect me. RESPECT. ME. that is huge for me. because i was basically bullied my entire life form 4th grade to senior year. even my own close friends bullied my. that bitch stole my car at least 7 times in high school to go on joyrides with her gay bff. and then lied to me about it every time even though i coudl see their damned tweets.
i don't know what to do with myself.
i can't function. like i got her msg last night and waited til today when i was feeling good to read it so hopefully i could handle whatever she threw at me, but i expected to much. i expected her to show me a sliver of respect, which is kinda the basic number one rule of the BDSM scene--respect everyone.
but no. she couldn't do that. she never will. and now i can't go to events she'll be at, or else there will be drama. and i don't want to cause anybody any trouble.
i know to some people this may seem ridiculous but bdsm is a big part of my life. bigger than the whole furry thing. taking bdsm away is kinda like taking art out of my life. it takes away a massive chunk of who i am as a person. i'm not even capable of having a normal relaitonship.
so here i am, commissions and homework that need doing. i lost 5 hours from being stuck in a closet hiding from tornado warnings all day, and now i can't even get my work done because i'm so depressed and anxious i can hardly breath. you ever get so upset you are sobbing but you can't even cry tears?
i feel so damned alone right now. getting real tired of this shit. i always try to be strong but i'm such a fucked up person.. and everybody keeps reminding me, whether its my friends bitchign at me for whatever, or my mom pitying and apologizing to me to screwing up in raising me.
the only thing worse than being terminally broken, is knowing just how broken you are.
Things can only.get better and if not, well then that's why we're here! :3
If you wanna talk, I'll be at school around the usual time. If you need a posse to ward off drama, Skunk and I have your back 100% I LOVE YOU, DAMNIT
i wanna show you with the lovings. and i'm glad at least i dont have to worry about her at furry events, even if she does attend, there's so many people to stop her from trolling i dont even have to THINK about it. mwuahahaha
ideally i would like to be able to be civil with megan, the way i see it, maggie and i were literally enemies for years, and if she and i can be civil and play nice, megan and i should be able to as well. it just might take a little more effort.
btw have i told you lately how THANKFUL i am that we are friendses now? just knowing that and reminding myself "hey look at mae and me. shit cna get better" made this stuff alot easier to handle, so thank you for that. <333333
and lemme know if i need to smack-a-hoe for ya :D