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Cha-Cha-Cha-Changes!
12 years ago
So, things on my end have been changing. I mean, why wouldn't they? Life isn't static. With the obvious now stated, here's what's going on and why I feel the need to tell the world. Let's make a list!
- I'm getting married in less than a year.
- I'm the only one at my workplace who can do my job. I'm a cake decorator for those of you who don't know. It's not necessarily who I am, just what I do for now. There used to be five of us to handle this job. Now it's just me and has been for, I dunno...five months or more? Lots of pressure, lots of stress, more responcibility than I can really handle.
- Spring is right around the corner. I know that most people wouldn't really even consider this one, but my body is extremely tuned into the weather and earth. I go into a deep, deep slump during the winter and don't snap out of it until spring.
- A few months ago I went from having a roommate to having a house all to myself. This is great for privacy, but it sucks for the bills.
- I will be moving to another state after our wedding.
- I will be getting a better job after the move. I hope!
- I've grown very close to one or two people recently, finally opening up to someone here in this tiny town who isn't my mate. But in return, a good portion of my good friends moved away, leaving me very lonely.
- And the !BIG KICKER!... I changed my religion. I now consider myself a Universalist with a base in Christianity. Most people, especially here on FA, don't know that I'm a pastor's daughter. Like, almost a zealot-style Christian pastor. For me to say I am anything but that is a really, really big deal and took a lot of soul-searching and agonizing.
Anyway, before I go into any sob stories (that's not what this is about) what I'm trying to get across is that everything is changing on my end from my job, my lover, my friendships, my home life...everything. And in return, I too am changing.
How, you might ask? Well...two ways are most prominent. First is my elemental allignment. For as long as I can remember, I have associated best with true fire (fire primary and electricity secondary). I'm still a fire primary, but my secondary is shifting to earth. It's funny...I actually crave greenness and sunshine and warm soil almost as much as I crave heat and light. I feel drawn to stones more and more, deep, earthy smells, herbs...all kinds of things. It's like it's all brand new and I want to hold every bit (except the stuff that makes me itch).
Here's the second thing, the thing that actually makes me anxious. I think... I think I might be shifting again, and in a big way. Most people when they change things about themselves, it's not really that big of a deal. A redesign is like getting a makeover - it's fun and the results are usually for the best. But I'm looking at a remodel and it freaks me out. I don't like shifting. It makes me nervous. I like to be sure and solid in my form. I don't like change. And up until now, I was 110% feline, hands-down. Now...I think I'm turning into a dragon. Not like...huge, scaled reptilian beasties. I'm still like...60% feline. But I feel like I'm something more. With all that's happened and is about to happen, I feel like I'm shedding my skin, growing out of what I used to be and what I used to know and becoming something bigger. Better. More tuned in to who and what I am and what the world is like. And sometimes when these things happen, I can't stay as I was. It's just...not possible for me.
So..the dragon thing. Why a dragon? Why not a bat or a raccoon or...a unicorn? Firstly, I will never be a unicorn. Just putting that out there. I'm not sure, really. All of this is really hard to explain. It's just how I feel. What fits me. I've been fighting this change off for a long time, actually, I just never really told anyone except for Zack. And then we brushed it off and put it away until it surfaced again, and again, and again. Now, I'm going to try it on for size, stretch my little wings and see how it goes. I'll post an in-progress image for you all to see. Mind you, in progress. There are a few things that need fiddling with. But I have these two long whisker things (they aren't in the image yet and I don't know what to call them) that I've been twitching all day. It's one on each side, ever-so-slightly thicker than a normal whisker with a little tastle on the end. They're funny. But...yeah. If anyone has anything to say...please do. Just be gentle with me. I don't take changing very well. My friend Markoh shifts with nearly every season and has been for years. I don't know how she does it with so much ease. I feel like a peeled fruit every time, even if it's just fur patterns.
On a lighter note, I have a lot on my plate right now, including becoming a vendor at our annual Nerd Con. So expect lots of art from that.
That's all for now.
- I'm getting married in less than a year.
- I'm the only one at my workplace who can do my job. I'm a cake decorator for those of you who don't know. It's not necessarily who I am, just what I do for now. There used to be five of us to handle this job. Now it's just me and has been for, I dunno...five months or more? Lots of pressure, lots of stress, more responcibility than I can really handle.
- Spring is right around the corner. I know that most people wouldn't really even consider this one, but my body is extremely tuned into the weather and earth. I go into a deep, deep slump during the winter and don't snap out of it until spring.
- A few months ago I went from having a roommate to having a house all to myself. This is great for privacy, but it sucks for the bills.
- I will be moving to another state after our wedding.
- I will be getting a better job after the move. I hope!
- I've grown very close to one or two people recently, finally opening up to someone here in this tiny town who isn't my mate. But in return, a good portion of my good friends moved away, leaving me very lonely.
- And the !BIG KICKER!... I changed my religion. I now consider myself a Universalist with a base in Christianity. Most people, especially here on FA, don't know that I'm a pastor's daughter. Like, almost a zealot-style Christian pastor. For me to say I am anything but that is a really, really big deal and took a lot of soul-searching and agonizing.
Anyway, before I go into any sob stories (that's not what this is about) what I'm trying to get across is that everything is changing on my end from my job, my lover, my friendships, my home life...everything. And in return, I too am changing.
How, you might ask? Well...two ways are most prominent. First is my elemental allignment. For as long as I can remember, I have associated best with true fire (fire primary and electricity secondary). I'm still a fire primary, but my secondary is shifting to earth. It's funny...I actually crave greenness and sunshine and warm soil almost as much as I crave heat and light. I feel drawn to stones more and more, deep, earthy smells, herbs...all kinds of things. It's like it's all brand new and I want to hold every bit (except the stuff that makes me itch).
Here's the second thing, the thing that actually makes me anxious. I think... I think I might be shifting again, and in a big way. Most people when they change things about themselves, it's not really that big of a deal. A redesign is like getting a makeover - it's fun and the results are usually for the best. But I'm looking at a remodel and it freaks me out. I don't like shifting. It makes me nervous. I like to be sure and solid in my form. I don't like change. And up until now, I was 110% feline, hands-down. Now...I think I'm turning into a dragon. Not like...huge, scaled reptilian beasties. I'm still like...60% feline. But I feel like I'm something more. With all that's happened and is about to happen, I feel like I'm shedding my skin, growing out of what I used to be and what I used to know and becoming something bigger. Better. More tuned in to who and what I am and what the world is like. And sometimes when these things happen, I can't stay as I was. It's just...not possible for me.
So..the dragon thing. Why a dragon? Why not a bat or a raccoon or...a unicorn? Firstly, I will never be a unicorn. Just putting that out there. I'm not sure, really. All of this is really hard to explain. It's just how I feel. What fits me. I've been fighting this change off for a long time, actually, I just never really told anyone except for Zack. And then we brushed it off and put it away until it surfaced again, and again, and again. Now, I'm going to try it on for size, stretch my little wings and see how it goes. I'll post an in-progress image for you all to see. Mind you, in progress. There are a few things that need fiddling with. But I have these two long whisker things (they aren't in the image yet and I don't know what to call them) that I've been twitching all day. It's one on each side, ever-so-slightly thicker than a normal whisker with a little tastle on the end. They're funny. But...yeah. If anyone has anything to say...please do. Just be gentle with me. I don't take changing very well. My friend Markoh shifts with nearly every season and has been for years. I don't know how she does it with so much ease. I feel like a peeled fruit every time, even if it's just fur patterns.
On a lighter note, I have a lot on my plate right now, including becoming a vendor at our annual Nerd Con. So expect lots of art from that.
That's all for now.
Just try to stay calm and embrace the change. It sounds kinda' neat to me and I'm curious as to what you will look like when all is said and done. With the freedom, the inner strength, the able to be alone and find out more about yourself, I can see why a dragon would be sneaking out. That and your love of bat type wings. Makes sense.
I guess my element would be water. I've always loved it, swimming in the ocean or a lake, waterfalls. Goes well with my dragon side as she is blue.
I hope things go well on this new adventure.
Keep Calm and Dragon On, huh? Ha. I'm trying to. I'm kind of an anxious person to start with, so I try to stay calm all the time. I don't always succeed, but that's beyond the point. I dunno, Suz, like I said, a lot is happening in my life. I know a lot of it is "cleansing by fire" and the end result is usually good. It's up until that point that's painful. I know it will all work out in the end; it's just getting there that's the problem.
It's funny...I know this is kind of unrelated, but I feel the need to tell you. This morning I did a lot of cleaning, got very dirty and one of the last things I did (before showering!) was I was cleaning up a mess on my front stoop. I picked up the mess, swept away what I could and then just...looked around. At this point I wasn't wearing much but a loose shirt and some pj pants and the weather was just warm enough to enjoy even though the earth was cool against my feet. And then I walked around. I live in a wooded area with a little clearing for my house and driveway and someone built a big platform into the side of the steap hill I live on top of. The platform has been overtaken by nature a bit, but that's okay. I walked onto it, barefoot, feeling the moss on the pads of my feet and rubbing gently under my dirty hands and I felt..at peace. Wonderful, actually, in all that quiet. The moss is turning green again. I see buds on the trees that I think are some kind of magnolia (my favorite tree!) and I feel hopeful. I feel like I'm part of the Spring, growing anew after a hard winter. I just need to take it slow and just let it happen. Hmm...
Now, back to subject. I do love bat-like wings, but not just wings. I adore bats. I have two bat tattoos and I intend to fill the rest of that arm with a bat-themed sleeve. But the wings are always lovely. They're so...delicate, yet strong. A real thing of beauty. But I'm curious. Why do you see a dragon coming out of me? I mean... you don't seem surprised. I like a little insight from others because sometimes people see other things about me that I can't. Ha, I guess that's why people keep friends, huh?
I enjoy water-types. They are a lot of fun. The only element I have a hard time with (both theoretically and literally) is air. But I guess that happens. You can't like everything, I guess.
Anyway, I look forward to hearing from you!
I've pretty much been counting down the days for when you decided dogmatic Christianity wasn't what resonated with you. I remember spending hours with you in the dorm room talking about your beliefs and philosophies- In particular the idea of animals and souls. Of course, I'm not one to press my opinions and beliefs on someone, but I was hoping you would come around to something a little closer to what you actually believed in. Kuddos.
I love your dragon. It seems very you. I tend to associate dragons with people who have a love for aesthetics and finer details and dominant personalities so I think it is a perfect fit. Cats, to me, are elegant and playful. You've never really struck me as that type. You certainly have feline aspects to you but you are not simply "a cat." Again, kuddos. It is a perfect fit.
Everyone is made of of each element- Earth, Air, Fire and Water (or Wood, Fire, Earth, Metal, Water, etc...). However each of us resonates with specific elements through various points in our lives. It is just the natural way the energy conducts itself. This is why every culture that utilizes "elemental compositions" arranges them in a circle. Take, for instance, the pentagram or the Feng Shui energy cycle. The elements are associated with the cycle of the seasons, the phases of ritual, the phases of life, and so on. For each stage of life, we will resonate with a different element. So it makes perfect sense for you to be moving away from fire and more towards Earth. It also makes sense for you because Fire is associated with adolescence and Earth is commonly associated with "motherhood" and marriage. It is simply a badge of maturity.
Let me just say this to start: damn, I feel like such a noob. No, really, I feel like these are things I should have already known but just... don't. I dunno. I need to do more research. It's just that the more time goes on, the less I really have. Not like...death or anything, just that twenty-four hours is never enough. And the eight-plus needed for sleep, I feel, should be excluded from the 24. I think a nice thirty-two hours in a day would be perfect. But that's way beyond the point. I need to research. Eventually. Yes.
As for my Christianity, it used to be something I could just fall back on, ya know? It was there, it was what I was taught and breaking away from it is WRONG, so they say. Everything outside of that faith is always Wrong (with capitals) and quite frankly, I was scared to go away from it. It was a comfort blanket. It was what I knew and grew up with. Then to come out of that bubble and see more, experience more and to meet others who had faiths just as or even more valid than mine was...shaking. In a good way, but for someone who is sheltered and a "pastor's daughter" with these things pushed in front of me like a meal every time I turn around, becoming something different was a challenge. But now that I am more experienced and I've come to terms with what I believe and what to call it, I feel closer to God than ever. That doesn't mean I'm going to forsake everything I knew before, just...expand that knowledge. When I get the chance, I would like to attend other places of worship for other people. Get to know their thoughts on God. It'll be fun. I'm just in the Bible Belt for now, so those places are like searching out fox holes.
I'm glad you love the dragon part of me. The most recent drawing, the line work, semi-pinup is what I've concluded. The half colored feral was a good jumping off point, but wasn't quite right. I hope to get that line work colored soon, but my markings are the same as before.
As for my dragon aspects, well, yes, I can see them now, too. Like I said in the journal, I've been fighting this change for a while. It kinda goes back to the Christianity thing. I had my cat-shaped comfort blanket and that was that and it was all that I knew for the longest time. I think I always had potential to be something else, to grow outside of that, but never wanted to because that would mean that I would have to change. That everything had to change. Dramatic, I know. But change for me has never come easily. I don't know why. It's just how I am. But in the same respect, I get bored with too much routine. Merr... I would like to think that I am equal parts cat to dragon. Or, at least I'm working on thinking that way. Or maybe more one than the other? I don't know. It's still too new. But I am getting used to it. I feel happier now, freer. And I'm so thankful for the support. I need the people I care about close to me when this happens. I still don't see how Markoh does it all the time, lol.
Now, for the elements, I knew the part about how all of them are contained within us. What is interesting to me is how each one reflects a time in our lives. I'll also have to look into that. I still don't have any desire for a human child, but I thrive with my furry and/or scaly children. They are the keystone in my life. Ha, it's also funny that the whole Earth is more maturity and marriage and such because not only do I have my mate, my fuzzy kids, but I'm also going through a nesting phase of finding things for my home and really making it my own. I know that's perfectly natural, but it's still a little funny. I feel a little text-book every once in a while.
*Snuggles and purrs* Thank you for taking the time to talk to me about this. You have given me a lot in insight and things to research. I still owe you a blink dragon!