well, this doesn't feel like it's something that came in the wake of a personal tragedy.... like i said in the jurnal... I'm not under any significant disadvantage... I'm doing pretty much alright as far as job health and family are concerned... but I can't seem to be happy about it. And that in turn also makes me feel guilty because i realize there's a lot of people out there who don't have it as good as me ( and some still even manage to be happier ). I know i should be thankfull about the things i have... but I can only seem to concentrate on the things I don't have... or won't have ( and I'm not talking here about wealth money or material posessions... I'm not going that route ) But on things like meaningfull relations with people. or a bright or not gloomy future.

I knew the Starforge was fueled by Dark Side and evil, but i didn't think it can both talk and have an FA account x3

It does... but the thing that has not made me not think too hard on this issue is well... when I first started to feel bad was during adolescence... but it was common knowledge that people usually go through such phases at the time... and it did get al ittle better after a bit so I thought it was jsut a passing phase and that was that.

In adition being bullied for most of my life also didn't help me enjoy my early years very much... but it also pushed me towards alienating myself from other people because I feared getting the same treatment... I always said, it's ok, school will be over and I'll meet new people and it will be ok... when highschool bummed I thoughtk, it's ok, highschool will pass and I'll meet new people in the university and everything's gona be alright... jsut have to hold on. University was ... admitedly preatty nice... but once it was over everybody dissapeared back to their part of the country ( or outside of the country ) to persue their lives and I was basicly back at square 1... but it's ok, you'll surelly meet nice people at what ever job I'd be getting... right?

Well that didn't happen... and I'm running out of instances to hope will be better.

But anyways this is just one aspect of it... Back to the core matter... I'm not sure if I have "clinical" depression... in a way I defenetly feel as though I don't deserve to be depressed ( and many people make sure to remind me of that when ever I feel down. I feel guilty for not being able to be happy about what i have, and I also lack much motivation for anything ( having a buisy work schedual also doesn't help with motivation )

I try not to give in to thoughts that come... but those usually come when I have nothing else to preoccupy my self with... I've been playing a lot of games and that defenetly makes me forget about it.... but it just feels like I'm pretending the problem isn't there instead of trying to fix it...

If you're not happy and find nothing fun or exciting, you're probably depressed. I can't say for sure since I've not been bothered to be diagnosed but there isn't a "for sure" blood test or something to test for it.

Well By that dieffinition I must be depressed...

Depression is like a hole that you can't see the light from the top of, it makes you not want to get out of bed, or do anything. It can lead not only to grief, but to anger and mood swings. It blocks motivation at every turn, and the only way out of it is to find something that makes you smile and makes you laugh. Whether it's just something silly for a moment, or if it's something that lasts that you can keep going back to, that is your hand hold...I hope that this helps...or clarifies things.

Some things that helped me:
Songs by Alabama, Beach Boys, Beetles and Reba.
A roadtrip with my mother visiting others that I had met over the net(in public places)
Trying to observe beauty in everything that I saw.

Ofthen I find that the future is dark and forbidding... that only bad things can come... even if one is relatively ok in the present... the future can only bring misery that's how i usually feel about it. That's what thoughts come to my mind when I have nothing to do and I end up reflecting on my life my situation and my future... I don't like doing that because of the ugly truths I find when I do it... games and art offer some reprisal from it as they are moments when I don't have to think of the future or the present... but in the end it just feels like I'm ignoring the problem... procrastination if you may.

it sounds like you're really stressed out, and that outlook isn't a healthy mindset, I can't say for sure that it's depression, but if you can't get back to a healthy mindset on your own, then yes, I would get help in whatever way you feel you need to. Pacing your schedule might help things not seem so dark, giving space for sunlight to shine through; if you will, but hm...If art and things help, maybe consider getting into a group on Deviantart where you can just draw and immerse yourself in that world?

Saddly, at the moment my schedule consists of 9-10 hours of work, another hour or so for transport and eating, at minimum need 6 to 7 hours of sleep... so that leaves me with about 5-6 hours to do stuff in... sounds like a lot when you write it down... but it flies by so fast it's like it was never there... and you're back at that bloody job. It's like you were never home to beggin with. Not that I would have done anything particularly constructive with my free time if I was allowed more free time... but not having it is terrible.

Also very demoralising that no matter how much you work and do... it's never enough... and it never feels worthwhile... like you are accomplishing anything beyond getting a paycheck...

If I am depressed, it's usually after having fun at a point, then leaving to go somewhere and the fun is dead, I just think negative things and think they are true, and feel terrible, like tired, worthlessness,etc. But you can't feel like that all the time and need to find something to make sure you life gets better.

Admitedly, experiancing something that is fun does seem to accentuate the ugly and depressing moments even more... that is not to say that I will try and avoid having fun... but... if i think about it... I don't even know what I would consider to be "fun" I don't think I would even know what to do to make myself happy even if I wasn't constrained by the rigidity of the real life ( job, family... mortality and so on ).

So... how can you ... how can I chase after something that would make me happy when I haven o idea what would make me happy?

For me being depressed shows itself as "these good things have happened, but you just can't see the sparkle. All the bad things, no matter how small, seem so much larger, and they pile up to the point that you can barely separate one from the next to deal with any of them. And you hardly have the energy mentally or physically to do anything about the good or the bad."

If you have a family doctor or GP that you can talk to, I'd recommend a visit, just to go through how you feel - if it's depression, they may be able to refer you to a counsellor or something similar. They may suggest antidepressants, but make sure you talk through all the potential side effects of whatever they suggest.

I'm scared that it might come to the point of pills being involved... but I'm also scared that I'm just "fine" and that existence really is as gray as I see it...

I defenetly think most of the harm I have done myself ( like alienating myself from other people ( though I defenetly feel as though people will go out of their way not to ahve anything to do with me... always do I feel as though I'm always the one that has to engage other people whille everybody else gets a pass on that... maybe they can sence when somebody is afraid or anxious and unsure and want to have nothing to do with them? )

I'm affraid of many things... but most of all I think I'm afraid of being alone... yet I have 0 motivation to make the effort to change that.

It doesn't help that my interests are quite narrow and i have little actual interest in what common people seem to enjoy. SO not only would that make smalltalk impossible but I'm also apparently very picky about the kind of people I'd want to be around... I think I'm setting up too high standards and then choosing not to bother because the resoults wouldn't meet those expectations...

I know this might seem like it's deviating from the core matter in the journal... namely depression... but at the heart of the matter, I think ultimately what makes me depressed is the fear and possibility that I'll be alone.

To be honest, antidepressants - as long as you're aware of the side effects and can discuss these with your doctor - can help as a short term way of stabilising your mood and helping you to refocus. I personally don't feel they are a very good long term solution (from the perspective of having been on them for five years running), but they can give you the lift you need to teach yourself how to cope when things are darker.

I can certainly empathise with the feeling of isolation and not quite knowing how to deal with other people; aside from my fiance Onissarle, the nearest person I'd consider a FRIEND is in Scotland (and most of my real friends are in the 'States). It isn't easy to find common ground with people, and I do worry that people I meet in person will not approve of things that are important to me. I'd love to have people around to hang out with or go do stuff with, but I don't know how to relate to "normal people" well enough to actually do it. It seems like what "everyone else" likes doing is nothing like what I want to.

It's tough. I suppose I've tried making friends in other niche interest groups - like reptile keepers - but it's like there's something huge missing. I really feel for you there - because I know what it's like when I live it.

I suspect that cognitive behavioural therapy might help me in my case, just to help me not be so *worried* about strange people and new situations (which doesn't help me at all when it comes to trying to socialise with other people!) - but I don't know if anxiety is a major part of how you feel.

right now... I don't even have the luxury to worry about that stuff much... on account of the fact that work eats up so much of my time... it is, if you may, even an excuse for not having to deal with this socializing thing... because there just isn't any time for anything other then sleep and work...

But the problem now is that work is just eating me up from the inside... It makes me feel wretched and bitter... it's thankless... it's just another paycheck... witch I'm constantly reminded I have to be very grateful for because many don't have it.... and I realize how bad it would be without it... but it's just so meaningless without having a goal for that money... or something to spend it on... and I'm sure saving it up for "rainy days" will of course help when the proverbial shit hits the proverbial fan ( and it WILL at some point ) but right now... thinking of the future... it's really damn depressing knowing you're basically saving up for when things go bad...

Even if I had something to spend it on... I wouldn't have the time for it... Work is just so all consuming.... and this is just work... no relationship or family to deal with and the assortment of problems that brings... So maybe I should be privileged that I get 4 hours to myself after work each day... but I really don't feel privileged at all even though I probably should...

If only you could invest that money in more free time... that would be great start...

there's "being depressed" and "depression". getting depressed awkwardly often either leads to depression or is the cause of it. or life is just that shitty or bad experiences keep happening and its hard to bright self back up or stay optimistic.

i KNOW i've never been clinically depressed, but i've been depressed... far too often than i prefer. yet knowing my condition, lessens the seriousness and can lead to improvement. i've never "manned up" but i've desperately hunted for stuff i find enjoyable (that is dwindling). i've heard that addictions cause depressional behavior but for most people, it is impossible to notice an addiction due to modern lifestyle and widespread internet access and endless games.

in summary, there's a long term and a short term. everyone gets a short term, long terms are ether unending period or multiple short periods. either way, its just really let down feel, nothing feels like it works, things that used to cheer you up don't. there's more descriptions/symptoms but others can list them.

playing in to what you said... I often find myself occupying my free time with gaming and art ( and music though I usually combine art and music ). But it FEELS as though I'm just ignoring a problem instead of trying to fix it... Procrastination if you may... why try and solve my problem when I could play this game or do this thing that doesn't really bring me joy but doesn't feel shitty either and keeps my mind busy so I don't have to think about the present or the future.

ANd I honestly don't think I'm suffering from clinical depression... that kindof makes me visualise a far worse situation then what i feel... but I am not happy either... I don't find anything in particular I'm ever looking forward to then an end to things I don't like ( like the end of my work shift... sunday and so on ) not that i do anything particularly usefull when those periods of relaxation come... But whne it gets worse is when I don't have anything to do... that's when my mind tarts to wander... and I start to reflect on my life... on what i have done... what I didn't do... what I should ahve done... what I should be doing... ( but don't really want to or are affraid to do ) and about what the consequances of this lack of action will bring in the future ( nothing good ).

Sound like you fell into my "running away" cycle... that never ends. Except that when I do try to break out of ignoring, I don't make much headway for varius mixed reasons (in control and not in control of sort of mixture).

It's so easy to make excuses for why one isn't doing the things you think you ought to be doing... I guess deep down you don't want to do them even if you know they would be good for you... maybe this just makes me a lazy person at the core?

laziness helps, being let down when something doesn't work out hurts though. thus the "why bother" attitude and apathy.

Usually when you rely don't have friends anymore or close people in any case you are very susceptible to depression, because you know there's nobody to back you up, nobody to cheer you up, nobody to simply be at your side when you rely need it. Do that's part reason part "cure" for depression, another reason would be when you keep thinking about things, about the world and you know its shit and bad you obviously don't see the point in living in this world, or see no light of hope in the future. Pretty much describes the quote "Ignorance is bliss".

Well just my thoughts about the thing, i could be wrong dunno

kind of hit home on both things you mentioned...

Being alone sucks... not knowing how to change that sucks... or knowing how to change that but being too afraid too do so because of the risk of rejection.... or not finding anybody who would share your thoughts... sucks even more...

Also, when ever I'm not keeping my mind occupied with what ever activity ( like gaming or art or watching movies or the like ) my mind starts to wander and think of all the bad things that had happened or that will happen because of my actions ( or lack there of ).

And yes. nailed it with the quote... ignorance can be bliss... more specifically the ignorance of childhood ( assuming you didn't have a crappy one ) when your life was ahead of you... the future heald many possibilities... you didn't know when where or how you'd end up and not having been exposed to the "real world" to crappy people... the reality of life with it's ugly sides and the cruelty of people...

Yes i do find myself lounging after that... and i do believe that the best years of my life were my early childhood when I wasn't smart enough to be theorizing about life and death... about the future or the present or the past about job.s about bills... about relationships... both making or maintaining them... other prospect of being alone...

It was a time when ( again, unless you didn't happen to have a crappy childhood ) your only worries were if you'd get sweets, get to watch cartoons, or go out and play with your friends... or if you got to stay up late past your bed time... or if you were going to go on a n exciting trip . I do miss such times...

Well in that case were pretty much in same boat... a sinking one in any case. But at least you have education and a job if i recall, i have neither of those yet so you'll probably stand a better chance in the future.

We are at a further disadvantage here because of the country and part of the world we live in... the economical crisis has hit us much harder then the more developed countries so, in consequence finding a job ( let alone one you don't HATE ) can be a real problem even if you live in a big city ( witch I don't... nor do I wish to ).

I'm going to deviate a little bit from the rest of the comments and say the following: if you're worried that you may have clinical depression, please seek professional help immediately. If you don't have clinical depression and it turns out you're just going through a rough patch, then no harm done in seeing someone; if you do have it, then you can get help right away. If you do not see someone and it turns out you do[i/i] have depression, then... I know from personal experience how much untreated clinical depression can screw with things, and potentially set you back several years.

Contrary to what people often believe, clinical depression is [i]not necessarily about feeling sad all the time. For me personally, the following are some of the symptoms I experience:
* Anxiety, about everything – from my ultimate life goals to inconsequential furry art;
* Low self-esteem – imagine a voice in your head that constantly says "You are not worthy" and "You are not good enough" and "You do not deserve happiness", and you have little choice but to believe it;
* Unpleasant intrusive thoughts, which I would rather not have but can't seem to rid myself of;
* Lack of motivation or energy, sometimes leading to not even eating properly;
* Agitation, where I get annoyed and angry at just about everything for just about no reason whatsoever.

I'm not opening up and saying this because I expect sympathy or pity, but because I want to reduce the risk of having yet another soul drifting through life with untreated clinical depression. Before I end this unintentionally long comment, I want to say this: the greatest threat to my own happiness, as far as I can see, is idleness. Sitting around and doing nothing allows me to get absorbed by all those negative things my brain comes up with. On the other hand, if I keep myself occupied with engaging and stimulating tasks, those thoughts have no time to form. It may not work for everyone, but it might be worth trying.

Sorry this got a bit long, but this issue matters to me.

This.. depression and happiness are NOT opposites. They are not different ends of the same thing. You can be happy, yet depressed.

I don't think I have clinical depression ( I imagine that's somehow far worse then what I'm having... wtich is why I didn't use it as the title ).

I doo feel depressed though, out of energy... not hopeful for the future at all... not having any prospects or naything in particular to look forward to ( other then ending a work shift or reaching a sunday where I don't have to go to work ).

I doo feel like I'm ( probably self ) alienated from other people... that i don't fit in with anybody IRL. ( and I think people osmehow seem to have a knack ofr detecting such anxieties and fears for they always seem to exclude you from their interactions. THey say, you have to make an effort to start a conversation that yo have to make the first step ( and the next 20... hundred ). But everybody esle seems to be excused from that.... again, they msut be able to pick up on such facts that you are affraid of social interaction... or maybe they just assume you want to be left alone... dunno.

Low self esteem? Yeah, I know the feeling you described... but it's not jsut "a" voice... it's MY voice in my head constantly stating how inadequate I am at things... stating what i should be doing and observing that I'll never do them... or stating the probably negative outcomes for actions ... I have tried to cut back on that and to a degree i have succeded... I used to be far worse off when I was younger... but I'm still not... "fine"

Lack of motivation again is something I ofthen find myself guilty of... I have a good excuse these days because my work schedual is so damn crappy that I have very little time to be inactive and lazy. But I remember when I was unemployed and I actually had all day to myself... i still didn't end up doing anything.... I was still energy-less and still had nothing to look forward to... still wasn't doing much besides playing games and art ( commissions at the time... so I was at least making some money and it also helped in not feeling totally worthless because I was doing something somewhat productive ).

I also see people being happy... and... I find myself angry or at the very least frustrated at that... or rather jealous... that I can't be like that... or don't know how to.

But I agree... having nothing to keep one buisy always seem to result ( at least for me ) to me reflecting on my life... about my past my actions and their consequances and what the future will bring based on what I did or are doing ( or not doing )... and yeah... it's nothing good... the future only seems to hold myzery as far as I'm concerned even though I'm doing alright at them oment ( again that makes me feel guilty because there 's people that are worse off then me... makes me feel liek i don't even deserve to be sad ( and I have people also screwing that in to my head... that there's others with more problems and aren't complaining as much as i am and that i should be happy for having the things i do... I realize these things are true... but that doesn't seem to change things....

I constantly fear that I'll loose the things i have then I'll regret not having appreciated them while i had them... but that seems to do nothing in motivating me to actually appreciate them in the present... jsut threat over how bad it would be too loose them.

You know you're depressed when you can't find enjoyment in the things you once enjoyed, and along with a great deal of apathy towards anything else generally speaking. I won't get in to the actual diagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder, as many don't 'actually' have, but many people do get depressed for a short time. That is normal, and will generally pass on with out much harm done. Though, if you're thinking about suicide often (at least, say, three times a week or perhaps four) and it's been going on for a couple months, I'd say go see some professional help. Even then if you've felt depressed in the light way I described up above then it might be good to see someone anyways, or at least find someone to talk to who will offer you more than just empty statements.

The comment above did a pretty decent job explaining what else may come from depression, so I don't really need to go much further on it. ^.=.^; If it helps any, I was clinically depressed at around age twelve, so I know what it's like.

Nah, I'm not that bad off. But out of the few things that i used to enjoy doing I did notice enjoying fewer and fewer of them. Also manifesting with frustration and fear over the future... over not expecting anything good to happen or having anything to look forward to. Anxiety when around strangers and inability to socialize and so on...

None of them are particularly severe, but they pile up and end up forming quite a bother when I have time to contemplate them... but keeping myself busy usually results in a sence of guilt for trying to avoid what I consider to be an issue with my life...

Yea, you really just need someone good and who you consider close you can talk to. Even then or perhaps just someone who is willing to listen and actually respond. Sounds like a pretty normal sort of stress, but hey, please don't let it pile up, eh? It's just the worst when it does.

It does seem to be pielling up a lot lately... specially with work... being as overbearing and time consuming as it is... but when ever I try to talk about it with somebody.... I always get responses along the lines of : it could be so much worse without the job... or " you didn't experience what true poverty and desperation is" or " you have to appreciate the good in life" well yeah... I am not doing too well at seing the good in my life at this point... I mean yes, I'm relatively healthy... my folks are ok and doing well... aI have a job ( witch i hate more with each passing day ) that pays well... I have a roof over my head... I have water electricity cable television and most importantly internet... By global standards... I'm pretty damn well off... but it sure doesn't feel that way... I guess because i lack the experience of a worse state... in order to appreciate what i have... sad... that I'll have to loose it in order to truly appreciate it.

It just seems so unbelievable... that people can still be happy... even with this amount of crap and most possibly even more amount of crap to deal with... how the hells is that possible?!?

Some of what others say is true, but others it is not. It is true you have to appreciate the good in life, but that is such a loaded statement it's quite ridiculous. Many times you need to make good things for yourself that life can't offer just on it's own, or at least find it somehow. A tough outer skin works too, but that takes a LOT of time, patience, and just a lot of self-searching to accomplish.
Honestly it sounds mostly like your job is the main downer in your life, and that's a huge one. Someone who hates their job hates their life essentially, and anyone of an older generation who has witnessed or experienced it will say the same.

Some people are just gifted, plain and simple. Or they have grown to ignore most of the negatives, that or just get over it easier. It's not bad that you can't either, but some are just able to. It takes time.

Yes... it's getting to that point where... I'm seriously contemplating quitting the job... the problem is that I don't have options to fall back on if I'm jobless... I can start doing commissions again for some money.... but I'll never make enough to be able to live off of that... wonder how some people can manage that?

THe economy is crap... and I live in a small town where almsot everything is dead... the place I work at is one of the only things that is still kicking... mostly because it deals with exports... not selling inside the contry.

I hate the job.... but I'm terrified of not knowing where to go or what to do... not knowing where to even go... not even knoiwing what you are good at.

Being antisocial also doesn't help somebody get by...

I would like nothing more then to quit this job... but at this point in time... I have no idea what to do if I do take that route...

Is there any way to find a job outside of your town?
I know what it's like to be in a small town with no jobs... in fact the town I live in has essentially become a retirement retreat. Plus the sheriff doesn't like me for some reason, and a lot of the jobs I would have liked to do would be through him, so chances are I really will have to move away if I want a job. That and being (can't fully prove it though) discriminated against for being atheist and not getting another job. UGH.

Either way, yea, you'd have to find a job elsewhere even if it's something small. Anything to really help. You can at least do commissions on the side to help supplement yourself, right? I'm not sure how well it works for you.

Also you're not antisocial! Don't say that. ;.=.; Antisocial actually means you're some form of criminal. Besides not calling yourself that no matter what is a good start!

THe first definition that I was returned for antisocial was " Shunning the society of others; not sociable." that sure sounds like me... but yeah... I like small towns... because they are... small... people aren't as mean... and life seems to have a slightly slower beat... large cities... while offering more opportunities.... are just too bustling... too crowded... dirty... Honestly... I wouldn't want to move.... I happen to own the apartment I live in... so not paying rent... if I was to move... I'd have to add rent to my list of expenses...

The most adventurous that I could get I think is having to deal with a longer commute to one of the nearby towns maybe.... There was ... well is, a factory in the nearby town that produces parts for Mercedes... I've heard good things about them ( mostly in that it's not as stressful and the work hours are less... but then the commute is a pain... and getting hired... well... will see. I will surely try my luck there, as well as every state institution in my town... doing paperwork and typing on the PC seems to be about the only thing I'm good at...

That's the popular definition, but not the true one. Most people don't realize that. ^.=.^ Just like how so many people claim evolution isn't real because it is a 'theory'. It's not what it means exactly when just reading the word. Small cities are worse for me, at least here in the US, because they are generally much more conservative and spiteful for anyone who is not with the 'in' group or some sort of clique. If you have any differing opinion, no matter how small, you can risk being totally ostracized. Though owning the apartments you live in is a HUGE plus. I wouldn't want to move from that either.

Hmm that might not be so bad of an idea if you can deal with the commute. It isn't too far, is it?
You'd be largely surprised how difficult of a skill it is for someone to be actually efficient at typing.

well... it's not THAT small... it's not a village. but it's thankfully not big enough to count as a city ( as in it doesn't have stuff like subways... trams, highways and other crap like that. So it's a fairly small town ( you can walk from one end to the other in any direction on foot in about ah our or so )

And as long as you don't go flashing your opinion on a banner, people don't really seem to care what you think or what your opinion is... though yes people are still rather conservative in this part of the world... so I'm sure that... if you were to be tagged as gay you'd have a hard time. But I have been on a few occasions to larger cities in my country and it was pretty awful. Too many people... too many cars... too many buildings and everybody seems farm ore stressed and rushed. Yeah... I am not interested much in moving.

Well... I have to take the decision to actually make the move first... I will want to have a bit of a safety net in the very likely scenario that they won't take me. SO I'll have to stay with my current job till I have worked there for at least 1 year ( that will be at the end of May ) because then I can ask for unemployment aid should things go sower. It's crappy money.... but it's better then no money... well at least for a few months.

Most of all... I just want a place to work where they don't keep you overtime...

Alright then, so you live in about the same size town as I do. Technically there is a highway that goes through town, but... it turns in to just a normal city road and you'd never even know it was part of the highway unless for the signs stating so.

I always thought I'd hate large cities too until I started visiting a lot more of them. Perhaps I can just handle the fast paced lifestyle a lot easier, but I also like to find beauty in just about everything. I guess I'm somewhat like Monet, where he loved the large city of London so much because he had never "seen so many shades of gray", and he thought it was just art waiting to happen. I find that inspiring. ^.=.^

Well you're being smart about moving that's for sure. =p I wouldn't want to move either with out some form of a back-up or plan to help me feel at least somewhat secure. And yea, money is money, but if you can feel good while getting it (even if it's less) it'll make all the difference in the world. Best of luck to you!

Dunno if that's possible sadly...

A couple of things..

Depression is NOT the opposite of happiness. In otherwords, you can be happy, and depressed at the same time, they are not opposite ends of the same thing.

That being said, depression has certain clinical symptoms that are used to diagnose it.
I won't bore you with the details, because googling "Clinical signs of depression" can give you much better and complete lists of symptoms than I can type up here.

On another slant, there are a lot of people who refuse to take meds for depression on, usually groundless reasons. The biggest one being "I don't want to change my brain.", but the problem is that depression can be a chemical imbalance in the brain, or simple situational depression brought about by a life circumstance that you feel trapped by. One thing is for certain, the meds won't really help without some kind of counseling to help you get a perspective on what has you feeling depressed. If you don't know what's got you down, you can't possibly change it. THAT is what counseling is for.

As for the negativity aspect, that is entirely a matter of perspective. It *IS* as simple as a switch, but it takes a while fumbling in the dark to *FIND* the switch. In the end, you will see that it becomes an issue of how you regard something, how you perceive it and how you *CHOOSE* to look at it. The simplest form of this is.. "Glass half empty, Glass half full." It really, truly is that simple, but it takes practice and someone to guide you through those ways of looking at things.

I hope you get to feeling better soon.

^ that dude hit the nail on the head, find the cause then do something about it.

I don't think I have clinical depression... ( i have googled it at the time i posted this journal to read up on it ) and it sounds far worse then what I'm experiancing... but where it lacks in the deapth that clinical depression seems to imply... I make up for with duration... I don't feel utterly depressed... but I feel a little depressed all the time... I'm sure part of this is of my own doing... of me choosing not to change it for what ever reason ( being afraid of the consequences is an excuse I seem to have used a lot while self retrospecting on events and actions I did that I'm not proud of ).

But at the core of the issue I think is the fact that I'm affraid of being alone... I distract myself daily with things to keep my mind off of such things... but playing games or doing art... but even online I fail at socialising. for al ong time I relied on my art putting me in contact with people like ( look at me, I can paint, love me! ) and that of course faills when ever something i post doesn't resive the amount of feedback I was hoping for... but no, this is not about my art and i don't want to make it about that.

THe core of the problem is I think that I feel alone. I may chat with people from time to time ( though those people are few and far in between ). I don't know how to make friends and relations or how to maintain them. I think I am in reality, an unlikable person. Like you said... it kind of needs somebody to guide you through... maybe you were refearing to something like a kpsychologist... I kind of wish I just had somebody that would pull me out of this slump... ( yes of course... somebody to take care of my problems instead of having to do it myself... do you see where this is going? )

I feel alone... what ever I do just feels like me avoiding the issue... making up excuses... procrastinating. The solution therefore should be... go out and make friends... but then there comes to things in to play that prevent me from doing that... first being the fact that I fear rejection and being ridiculed like i fear for my life.... this stems from a childhood of being bullied and me being overly sensitive and thin-skinned and secondly, the standards I seem to have for possible relations and my very narrow interests. It'sl ike I rais my standards sky high then I give up withought even trying because i know nobody would ever reach those standards...

I feel like much of the hole I'm in has been dug by my own hands. ANd I think that leads to all the other things that make me depressed... about not having any willpower or hope for the future or for doing anything.... because it feels empty when you can't share it with others.

*nods* Yeah, what you really need is a chat with a *GOOD* doctor and a therapist to help you gain perspective on your situation. You might actually start with the therapist and see what doctor they recomend. Doing meds will also, very likely, take experimentation should you and your doctor decide that that is a likely venue. Different meds work differently with different people. Having a doctor that will work with you in regards to this and a therapist experienced with this will go a long way.

And I fully understand about fear of rejection, I have the very same issue and if I perceive myself to be rejected I tend to react rather.. over the topishly. I HAVE managed to get a handle on that, and these days am even in sales, talk about a career where rejection is the norm, holy crap. :)

In the end, I leave you with this.. "The only problems you can't solve are the ones you don't know about." That you SEE you have a problem is the very first step in being able to solve that problem.

I wish you the very best of fortune in tackling these issues.

depressed:
feeling tired all the time, haveing hard time trusting people, feeling sad longer then 24 hours, feeling worthless, hideing in the shadows, want to be on your own most of time, alot of anger about past events. the list goes on, it all depans on the person no 2 people fell the same when they have deprishion.

I have been fighting deprishion for a good 10 years and im slowly starting to get out of it has it takes alot of time and the right help to get the mentel heath better.

I remember feeling tired all day and sleeping a lot when I had been unemployed though that long period also had the stigma of uncertainty over it... of not knowing where to go next... or what to do 9 and I'm positive that if ever I loose my job again or quit I'll be back in that hole for the same reasons )... and nowdays the work schedule I have ( crappy one ) keeps me busy most of the day and makes me tired so I have the excuse that work is making me tired and preventing me from doing anything.... but it's just that... an excuse... if I had all the time in the world I still probably wouldn't know how to use it to not be depressed... I'd probably waste it doing nothing...

How can you chase hapyness when you don't know what would make you happy to begin with? Everything i do just feels like an excuse to not do something that would actually feel fulfilling.

And like you said... when those daily distractions fail... when you are left alone with your thoughts... you end up contemplating on your life... your past actions ( or lack of actions ) and where that has taken you... and where it will take you...

It jsut feels like procrastination...

3 years ago, depression violently hit me as my mind rejected all christian education I received for 10 years and started looking for new, rational explanations for the deepest questions that fill life with meaning.

It was a very hard time for me, especially because I was just 14 years old. The instinctive fear of the unknown we all humans have arouse from my depths and for several months I was very sensible with themes like death. That was the time I took to find my answers. I didn't go to a specialist. I thought comitting suicide twice. But 8 months later I managed to scape from that sick status. During that time somehow my school performance never dropped and I always had a laugh to share with a friend, even if it was completely hypocritical.

The experience obviously left its scars, I had my relapses during the following Winters (some of them still last some months and were as hard as the first one). Even now there's no day that I don't think about that things.

Thankfully, every experience has a bright side, and my depression was no exception. One of them is winning a realistic view over the aspects of life (...like death), and separating them from the ones that are exposed in fiction. In blockbuster movies, videogames, etc death is treated in a very light way, and is with some grief that I note most of youth is influeced by those views in such way that they pass to see death like “I'll die one day? Whatever...I'll make sure I get some extra lives”. The other one, and this is the advise that I want to share with you, is that the little few things that make you happy gain a major importance in the moments you feel down (from a light blues to a deep depression). For example, in my case, enjoying the sun in a fine afternoon or watching some TV were cool helps to get me temporarly off my grief. But most of all, music. Lots of music, that would surely put me in a good mood during the time I was listening to it. Especially Kaskade.

I don't know which type of music puts you in that heavenly mood (if you actually have one), and I don't want in any ways to force you to change your likes, but if you feel like doing it, take 5min to listen to one of the musics that helped me make it through :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E61rW6ogWyw

What I can consider the worse years of my life were defenetly the later years of school... when I wasi ntroduced to that concept witch we call "bullies".ANd me, being the oversensitive chap that I am, got struck really bad by that... it's what lies at the root of my alienation from other people and mistrust of strangers. THis also coincided with adolescence and what, I believe, most people call the "goth" phase It was a very bad time for me... but I have managed to recuperate from it somewhat. ( as In. I'm no longer THAT bad off or pessimistic or crazed )... but those experiences still left their mark as at the time it drove me to isolating myself because of the fear of being hurt or rejected. I took my interests where i found them... and I ended up getting overly atatched to them whille loosing any and all interest in things that normal people care for or like talking about. In consequence, I find it very difficult to socialize with people because to this day, I have very little to no interest in the kind of topics I see them converse about.

I'm somewhat lucky there's an internet where it is possible to find people who share your specific interests... but I'm not doing much better here either.

Now, about the things that make me happy... I'm not sure what makes me happy... i know what things don't make me sad or just take my mind off of things... like playing games or doing art or watching a movie... but they don't make me happy... they just make me forget. And when , for some reason, I don't have any of those activities to keep me buisy, that's when I start reflecting over the negative things in life and I get anxious and desperate. See, doing activities that make me not think of such things feels as though I'm just trying to avoid fixing an issue ... procrastinating if you may.

I do like listening to music.... and indeed i can't do art without it. But I am also very picky about music and I also get bored easelly of new tracks.... so keeping a fresh supply of music to get my spirits up is challenging.

As the chubby nerd kid I used to be, I was also a victim of bullying but, unlike you, my worse years were in kindergarten and primary school. Then I learned not to fear my kicks and fists, and I discovered my goalkeeper skills and then the other kids started seeing me with other respect so...bullying didn't mark me much tbh, my instinctive trend to sometimes isolate myself from the world it's a consequence of my education, not my traumas.

Internet is really good to find groups that share interests with you (for example, through many years I thought I was the only macrophile in the world lol) and furthermore, I'm still positively surprised to see such a variety and crossover of themes here on FA, and ppl get along surprinsigly well. Doesn't matter which kind of art you appreciate, other users respect you. Low hate levels. You can't find this on real world. This is a safehaven! If you find something you don't like, you just don't say nothing, (very) unlike in Youtube, for example.

I understand how you feel...now that I think better, games and TV didn't make me happy, just made me temporarly forget of my problems...the only things that really put me happy (and they needed to caught me in the mood) were sun, music, travel through my world...it was a rare feeling during that months, yes...if you even don't feel that rare moments of joy, maybe you didn't find yet what's really meaningful for you. Try hearing different kinds of music, maybe there's one that really matches you (that's how I found Kaskade's chillout) and modelate "your world" to make you happy...maybe Draghi can help you there :p

I dunno... just feels like I'm blinmd to the concept of "joy"... I was never good at finding it... but it's getting worse now... as llife progresses and gets progressively shittyer... more responsibilities... more drama... more loss...

I know you 're supposed to find the joys and beauty in everything.... but I'm not doing well at all in doing that... and not having any free time to even find these things is worse... not that I would be doing anything particularly constructive with more free time... I don't know how to socialize.... so going out to meet people is out of the question... I don't even know how to socialize on the internet... so finding people here is a lost cause to me as well.

SO... even with more free time I'd still be in the same spot... but without that free time... it just feels like i LIVE at work... that my very existence is only connected to that place I work at... and that that is my only reason for existence...

maybe it's that...you shouldn't be pushing yourself that hard at work...find some free time everyday, even if it's just half-an-hour to relax, play a videogame, watch a TV series...

and you should definitely give another chance to your sociability. a good laugh with a couple of friends is definitely the best cure for everything. even if you find yourself shy at first you'll see that with time you'll be having good times :)

I dunno if I'd want ot label it that strongly. It doesn't FEEL bad enough as it to be something like what you described ( defenetly don't feel like I deserve to even have that given the absence of anything particularly bad in my life ). But my existence is kind of characterized by linearity... no ups and not many downs ( but because it's like that I tend to focus a lot on the negative aspects of it ( and maybe I'm making a mountain out of a molehill? )

I know ofr sure that much of the hole I'm in I did dig with my own hands ( like alienating myself from other people and not making much of an effort to fix that... again, mostly because of rather narrow interests, inability and non-interest in things like smalltalk and socializing with people who don't share my interests and so on. Plus my history of being bullied has left it's mark as well I'm sure, of making me weary and mistrustful of people I don't know. ).

I try and keep myself occupied with things like games or art ( and as often as I can chatting with the very few contacts I have online ) witch works fine in taking my mind off of things... but it just feels as though it's pretending a problem isn't there or ignoring it... instead of trying to fix it. And when ever, for some reason, I can't do any of the activities mentioned above ( no new games, art block, my contacts being away ) that's when it gets bad because, with nothing else to distract me, I almost immediately start reflecting on things... on my life, on past and future events based on my actions ( and they are almost always bad things ) witch then drops me in to a state of anxiety and distress.

And like mentioned above, I find it very difficult to integrate with normal people because I can't seem to find any common ground with them. I have no interest in the common things of interest... and I'm sure I can't fake it because i tried and I immediately ran out of things to say about it ( and I'm sure they can pick up on that and assume their presence annoys you or something ) so ... there's that.

At the core of the problem, I think what the big problems are : 1 I'm lazy and don't want to commit the effort of trying to change my situation and 2 I'm scared of being alone.

I guess everything else is a consequence of that.

I know you don't know me, but out here in Washington, we have something here called "Seasonal Affective Disorder" which is a type of depression due to lack of vitamin D/sunlight. I have no idea what the climate is like where you are, but if its often cloudy/rainy it might be affecting your internal chemistry. You might consider upping your vitamin D intake and seeing what that does. Sometimes its amazing what a change in diet can do for the temperament.

Can't say I feel any different according to the time of year or weather... it's true that a rainy day will just make me want to stay in bed and sleep... but i LOVE rainy days... and I kind of hate sunny ones ( because of the drought we have been experiencing here... I just loathe clear blue skies and scorching sun ).