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not dead yet
12 years ago
Hello everyone,
I really don't know what to write here, or rather: how, but at the same time I feel that I should. I have to admit that I've been avoiding my online galleries - or any site that requires interaction between its users, really - rather pointedly for some time now, but my last recorded activity around here was 7 months ago and that's definitely too long, although it may not feel like that to me. It's been brought to my attention recently that there's this huge migration from FA going on, though, and I just wanted to make sure that people know this is not the case with me- I didn't move anywhere. If I did, I'd inform everyone via journal or something, I wouldn't just disappear. The reason for my actual temporary disappearance is that I never really planned it, it just sorta happened.
I intended to start with something that no matter how hard I tried ended up sounding like a bunch of excuses, and really, the more I think about it- it's just what they are. Then again, I was never a fan of making one's personal problems public, so maybe I should keep it that way. I just hope that people will understand when I say that the reasons I have were, and still are, legitimate to me.
This semester didn't start very well for me (and I can safely say that it's not about to end painlessly either), and honestly at this point I just want uni to be over with. Whatever aspirations or ambitions I had are barely there anymore and it hurts a little to admit it but I just hope I will be able to finish what I've started.
The year didn't start good at all as well, but at this point in time there's hope that things will start looking up again soon, so there's looking forward and working towards that.
There are other things too, sure there are other things, and a portion of them involves my ability to draw, but those are too embarassing to type about and probably not as severe as I think them to be and realizing that would be a huge blow to my precious ego, so let's skip those.
The thing is, I really did try to stay relatively positive for a long time now, both in front of myself and the very few people I keep in touch with (with mixed results, I'm sure), but now I can feel it backfiring a bit. I was never a strong person, and I never really thought highly of myself so even the most minor crap did a good job at bringing me down to the annoyance of everyone involved. At the same time I realize that it would be a dick move to burden people with those messed up abstractions of too sensitive and frail a mind (lol), so I guess that's why I thought avoiding the majority of them would be the best for both sides. I don't know how much good it did, but I'm starting to find how much damage it is responsible for. And I'm sorry for that.
At this point I'm tired and embarassed before myself of being a major sad sack of shit - for the second time in my life, too! Argh! - so I guess the real reason I wrote this semi-vague attention-whorey journal is that I want to make a testimony of getting out of whatever it is that I got myself into this past half a year. I will still be rather absent at least until March 15, but after that time I swear I will start replying to messages and getting in touch with people. I'm really sorry for alienating everyone, and keeping those who actually cared in the dark. I seriously hope I didn't worry (or cross) anyone with my absence, I don't think I did, but if that's the case- I'm really really sorry.
I hope everyone's fine these days.
- Tanka
I really don't know what to write here, or rather: how, but at the same time I feel that I should. I have to admit that I've been avoiding my online galleries - or any site that requires interaction between its users, really - rather pointedly for some time now, but my last recorded activity around here was 7 months ago and that's definitely too long, although it may not feel like that to me. It's been brought to my attention recently that there's this huge migration from FA going on, though, and I just wanted to make sure that people know this is not the case with me- I didn't move anywhere. If I did, I'd inform everyone via journal or something, I wouldn't just disappear. The reason for my actual temporary disappearance is that I never really planned it, it just sorta happened.
I intended to start with something that no matter how hard I tried ended up sounding like a bunch of excuses, and really, the more I think about it- it's just what they are. Then again, I was never a fan of making one's personal problems public, so maybe I should keep it that way. I just hope that people will understand when I say that the reasons I have were, and still are, legitimate to me.
This semester didn't start very well for me (and I can safely say that it's not about to end painlessly either), and honestly at this point I just want uni to be over with. Whatever aspirations or ambitions I had are barely there anymore and it hurts a little to admit it but I just hope I will be able to finish what I've started.
The year didn't start good at all as well, but at this point in time there's hope that things will start looking up again soon, so there's looking forward and working towards that.
There are other things too, sure there are other things, and a portion of them involves my ability to draw, but those are too embarassing to type about and probably not as severe as I think them to be and realizing that would be a huge blow to my precious ego, so let's skip those.
The thing is, I really did try to stay relatively positive for a long time now, both in front of myself and the very few people I keep in touch with (with mixed results, I'm sure), but now I can feel it backfiring a bit. I was never a strong person, and I never really thought highly of myself so even the most minor crap did a good job at bringing me down to the annoyance of everyone involved. At the same time I realize that it would be a dick move to burden people with those messed up abstractions of too sensitive and frail a mind (lol), so I guess that's why I thought avoiding the majority of them would be the best for both sides. I don't know how much good it did, but I'm starting to find how much damage it is responsible for. And I'm sorry for that.
At this point I'm tired and embarassed before myself of being a major sad sack of shit - for the second time in my life, too! Argh! - so I guess the real reason I wrote this semi-vague attention-whorey journal is that I want to make a testimony of getting out of whatever it is that I got myself into this past half a year. I will still be rather absent at least until March 15, but after that time I swear I will start replying to messages and getting in touch with people. I'm really sorry for alienating everyone, and keeping those who actually cared in the dark. I seriously hope I didn't worry (or cross) anyone with my absence, I don't think I did, but if that's the case- I'm really really sorry.
I hope everyone's fine these days.
- Tanka
Also, it's okay to not be "strong", especially when you aren't actively alienating people.
And the only reason why I feel bad about it is because I tend to not be "strong" a lot, and realize that I should grow more of a backbone or just stop stressing over every single thing 24/7. Ah, well. One step at a time. How have you been? :D
As long as your friends are loving and caring of you, it is best to share with them your doubts and hurts. There is little that helps more than someone who enjoys hearing from you, even if you are in the midst of utter misery. I've gone through this with a friend of mine who suffers from the most dreadful depressions. Seven years it took to earn his trust that I wouldn't abandon him just because of his sadness and hurt.
Hopefully, you have those you can touch who help, even in the smallest ways.
Best Wishes,
Loi
Well, anyway, I decided that I have the right to an emotional public journal every once in a while (it's oddly therapeutic!). That should be enough :)
I'm sorry to hear about your friend. I can't even imagine how it must be like to be depressed for this long. You're a wonderful friend for making all this effort to reach out to him. I hope things are better for the both of you now.
Either way, I'm glad to see you're still about and fighting! :) - Stuff hasn't been all that hip for me lately either, but I firmly believe things will change for the better soon! - I have truly missed you :)
I hope stuff will get a grip soon and things will start looking up for you as well! It'd better >:c
Good luck out there.
And I will do my best, thanks!