It seems that recently I have not been myself. Those who know me best have seen it, but do not know what to do. The problem is I do not know either.

Right this moment it is quiet, other than me sitting and typing. Quiet keyboard noises and little else. Normally people come to me to help them. I write this on the evening that I set my lover and my son away. The two were the same person. Anyone who knows me knows who I am talking about. Compounded by this is the loss of a mentor and friend known to me as Red. My mate sits in the other room, occupying himself to try to forget (at least for the moment). Sometimes I envy my mate, he can loose himself in the moment of a game and I can not. My mind is always thinking I can not make it silent. The only escape I have of happiness is through him. Pat I love you. You are my life I have given you all I have.

If I have ignored anyone (especially my mate(s)) I am sorry. I just could not deal with all of what life was and is still throwing at me. But I am mostly sorry I kept the secret of Reds condition from you both, I was asked to keep it quiet by him personally. I respected him then and now, in full understanding. I did not like it and it made me to draw into myself so I would not hurt those around me. I have withdrawn from much of my life as the loss of my job and having to live on the kindness of my family has really hurt me. I know they love me, and they love my mate. And yes, they have held us up, but it still hurts.

At this moment I take the time to others who know me to apologize to you if you feel I have ignored you or pushed you away. I did do this, not wanting to show my feelings. Feelings can hurt more than anything. But the person I wish to apologize to most is my mate and love of my life Pat. You are my reason to live, you are the one who makes me happy. I love you with all I am. To Keba, I do love you so much both as a son and a lover. I want you to become the best red wolf you can be.

To my friends, and pets and others closest to me. Help us all get through this time,I know there are good times ahead and bad times. This is the way of life. Help us and help others where you can. In your time of need there will be help for you. To anyone else that ever asks me to keep something away from my mates: the answer is NO. I will not do that again, I promise them to be truthful, and that is a life statement from me to all. I will not lie for another, yes not even for myself. This does not mean I must tell everyone very little thing in my life. My mate is the one I need to share EVERYTHING, and they are to do the same with me.


For my final word for this moment: Red, I will see you one day again. We walked very much the same path and had very similar beliefs. We walk the hard path, but if our steps are true we know the destination will also be true. Pat I love you I love you, I love you. All I have is yours, all I am is yours, I do not know what else I can give or do. To Keba : I love you, I love you as a son, and a lover. I want to see you come home (here) again one day, if and when you are really ready.

No one knows what tomorrow may bring, but we step out today true. We walk the true path today and it will lead us to the place we should be tomorrow.