Did somebody do something or what. I feel odd. not like normal odd for me either. well i have kinda felt this way before but not in a long long time. I do not feel corporeal. like my body is made of mist and dreams. it feels like my left eye is made of tentacles again. something i have not felt in a while. I feel kinda unhinged but not in a bad way. just kinda loose of the mortal coil. strangely everything around me feels MORE solid and real. and i feel far less real. Maybe i died while i napped. who knows. but i do not feel "real" it is actually taking concentration to not only use my fingers but to have them. i feel like if i do not concentrate hard i am going to just become some colours and drift away. and right now i am having a really hard time convincing myself not to just let that happen. I look really pretty when i let myself fade a bit. why is it when i am like this that my left eye becomes tentacles. i can feel them just sort of swaying in the ether.. like coral tentacles in the waves. it is pleasant. i really like the feeling. i am also perceiving little tiny flits of light. not really seeing them. they are just there on the edge of consciousness. and i want to eat them. but i am pretty sure i can only do that with my eyeball tentacles. it is interesting that i have my eyeball and the tentacles in the same place at the same time but out of phase i guess with each other but still connected to me. I think i recognize this feeling. it feels a lot like when i got lost a long time ago and also did not want to come back. i have never fit right in the world since that time as it is. a long time ago someone told me how to meditate. and that Zen masters sought to be one with everything. so i sat in a quiet spot and i let myself expand. and i kept expanding.. GODS I SOUND SO FuCKING CRAZY but yeah i felt myself keep getting larger i guess. but not. it is hard to explain. Oh gods the feeling is fading... i do not want to be physical again. but.... it is hard to breathe now. but back then i remember a Moment that was the briefest thing and yet seemed to go on forever. i remember being utterly aware of every single Thing. every atom and molecule and energy current and quantum state and cycle and movement and everything. it was the first time i heard the nada Brahma. i think. i think i may have been aware of it all along. You know that the original swastika was the movement of the universe.. the spinning in the fluid. layers upon layers rendered in a simple form. fuck i am feeling my weight again. i feel the pain in my feet and legs again. i still feel like i am about an inch out of space though. not quite back in my flesh. and no i am not on drugs. i do not do drugs. i have never done them. not on purpose. everything is so terribly solid again. so horrifically stable and why is nothing moving. the wood no longer flows... oh gods is it so horrible... it hurts. everything was so static... i want to scream. i want to cry. i want to run. i still feel a little disconnected. strange how that makes me feel better. strange how that gives me a sense of sanity... i think i am fine again. well at least as fine as i get. i guess i should take the garbage out.