Hello to all my still loyal FA watchers and hopefully still friends. Sorry this is the first journal I've gotten out in months, but honestly, haven't had much to say lately. However, this is a rather dark/sad topic, so if you don't like that, back out now. Otherwise, PLEASE don't bitch, as I'm really not in a good place and may even delete this later, if I feel like doing so.

Anyone ever feel like when the life repeatedly kicks you down, that it's the universe's way of telling you... you don't DESERVE to live any longer? I apologize for this, but again, not really in a good place as I'm typing this. Let me backtrack a little bit.

So, for anyone who doesn't know from a journal few years back or me personally telling them, I'm a Type-1 diabetic and have been ever since I was 9 months of age. I've always done my best to have it taken care of, with help from family; though in recent months since mom got a new dog, I've taken care of it myself cause she's kind of a brat and bitey and clawy. Since my last pediatrician visit, I've increased my intake and hasn't been as much of a problem until this last week, even though there wasn't much reason for concern until a lot of little things started happening. Repeated low blood sugars mostly at night/middle of the night, cause I'm a night owl, staying up until wee hours of early morning, more often than not; playing video games on my DS a lot (mostly Pokemon, not really to try to get my drive back even though it has given me ideas for random pairings and such, if wanna practice or just write for the appeal, etc); attempts at taking care of it not seeming to be as effective as used to be or just not doing enough REPEATEDLY (drinking Orange Juice, sometimes a snack). And it's just getting ANNOYING. But makes me wanna cry more than get angry, right now.

I've fought a lot last several years of my life (personal stuff), but right now, I'm just fed up with it. Latest case of this was within last hour, but even though it was more my fault/doing, for eating a Lunchables meal few hours ago when I was already high (not even hungry) and taking a seemingly appropriate amount of insulin, I just feel like fate's trying to make me kick the bucket, so to speak. Heck, even today, I TRIED to take care of it by speaking to my physician; though he wasn't around, the receptionist attempted to help me and took my recorded sugars, but she said someone would call back before they closed, and yet they DIDN'T. "Why didn't you call back?", you might ask? Well, I was distracted at the time, with TV or stuff on Internet or DS game, not sure exactly. *shrugs* Anyway, of course, I still WANT to keep surviving to live a full life and whatnot, but right now... not so much, even if I'm a bit better now than when I started this journal.

Anyway, I just wanna know if anyone I know (watching me or knows me personally) has or anyone who watches me knows someone who's felt like this, etc. Or if should not feel like this, even if this again, has only been a week and first time has felt like this since it happened. But as the adage goes, "Everyone's gotta die sometime." or "It was just his/her time.", yet I'm convinced it's not MY time by a long shot. And I just am gonna have to take my own steps until call back again either tomorrow or Monday (to ensure I talk with MY physician about the subject), cause I'm not sure if it's just mix of timing and all the things I said before, because it's just getting frustrating even if as said before, earlier I wanted to cry moreso. Or possibility of something more being wrong with me, since I can be higher when I'm sick, and not sure if anything can cause low sugars repeatedly; even if more likely all that I stated before.

Hopefully, didn't forget anything here. In other news, I finally truly MAY have a new/first story to finally submit soon, if all goes well for a contest on a different site, though may not be one of material related to pen name on here/other sites. Won't spoil for those who don't know me well enough, but will say it should be interesting! And will hope you enjoy, if it's your thing! ^^;

And furthermore, sorry to all of my online buddies haven't spoken with in a LONG while. I really have no excuse other than haven't felt like being on, due to certain site/fandom distracting me some nights a while back, having problems with my sleep schedule, etc. But I hope to rectify that soon and be back on for most part, soon enough. Probably won't be for a little while still, cause I'll be writing for the contest mentioned before. *pumps a fist in the air* Here's to better news in the future, about my Diabetic dilemma and for writing in general/current projects! XD