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Is it helpful
17 years ago
There is a Buddhist mantra that suggests that when you are about to say something you should ask yourself ‘is it true’ and ‘is it helpful’.
I love this mantra. It has stopped me from saying a lot of things that, when I think about it, really are not helpful at all. At the same time, it has also stopped me from sharing a lot about how I feel and what I think about things. The way I see it, am I really doing any good by stating my opinion about something? I know what my beliefs and opinions are, do I really need to share them? I know in the past I have posted quite a few rants here. They have mostly been about subjects I’ve been very passionate about. That said, where they ever really helpful? Probably not. The result has either been that people have commented who agreed with what I said or disagreed. For the people who already felt the same way I did, what was the point other than learning someone shares my opinion. And for the people who disagree, it just opens up the possibility of getting into some kind of argument that cannot be won. People who disagree with something passionately are unlikely to quickly change their mind about it. So again, really, is there a point to sharing thoughts and opinions? Maybe. I’m just saying that for me, I’m not sure how ‘helpful’ it really is.
That said, I came across something today that really upset me, and I guess I felt like writing about it. And, making it public. I guess I’d like to know what other people think about this issue. However, sticking with the ‘is it helpful’ mantra, if you totally disagree with what I’m about to write and you think I’m some kind of stupid retard for having this opinion, then please don’t bother writing to tell me so. That definitely isn’t helpful.
I have a very big problem with sexism. There are two reasons for this. One, I am a woman, so it does affect me and my life. And two, it is one of the few prejudices which seem to get over looked. I think it is a bigger problem then most people realize. On a personal note, I grew up believing that I needed to be male to be cool, play sports, like ninja turtles, read comics, play video games, etc. When ever I would day dream about myself on an adventure, I imagined I was male. It was only years later when it occurred to me, that I could still do all these things AND be female. Since then, I’ve realized how much of our culture really is sexist and carries the belief that roles and activities are gender specific. A couple of years ago, I took a psychology course about gender differences and apparently it has been found that when the term ‘men’ is used to describe the human race, young girls think it excludes them. So they believe certain jobs or roles just cannot be done by a woman. Well I can confirm that, as I grew up with that very problem. However, I guess it’s either something we don’t really think about, or there isn’t enough motivation to change it.
Not to sound sexist myself, but I find it hard to believe that men would find this to be much of a concern. It doesn’t effect them, so why should they care. Sometimes I think that men don’t realize how hard it really is to grow up constantly trying to fight against the belief that your gender makes you inferior. Women try to fight to prove themselves, and are often met with ridicule or hate. If a woman succeeds then she is a whore, or slut, or stealing men’s rights, or whatever. If she fails then she was ‘put in her place’. These are, of course, blanket statements. I’m sure not all men feel this way, or that all women feel this way either. This is just my personal experience and observation.
So then, the second part of my issue with sexism is how readily it seems to be ignored as a prejudice. The expression ‘you throw like a girl’ or ‘that’s such a chick thing to say’ or when a guy walks up to a group of men and says ‘hey ladies’ (which is meant to be insulting), it is often accepted and over looked. If I said ‘that’s such a black thing to say’ or ‘you’re acting like a jew’, I would think it would raise much more of an issue. People gasp at the word nigger or kike, but would happily make fun of their buddy for throwing like a girl. All three are meant to be insulting, but only one is acceptable.
This brings me to what I found today that really bothered me. There is a site called menarebetterthanwomen.com. The whole site is dedicated to teaching people, both men and women that men are, in fact, superior in every way to women. The guy who started the site has even written a book stating this opinion. It seems that some people claim it is just a big joke, but it certainly doesn’t seem that way to me. I looked at some of the articles and read some of the comments and it just seems like a breeding ground for hate.
He tries to state that men are better than women by using absolute blanket statements. Like saying something like ‘all women hate sex’ or ‘all men know how to solve problems’. In one of the articles he claims that a bit of information he was stating was from a man. He hadn’t heard the fact before, but because it was from a man, he was going to take it at face value for being true. This was because, as he said, all men have what is called ‘integrity’.
I would love to cut into all the problems, contradictions and fallacies in his arguments, but I’d hope it would be like preaching to the converted. (In other words, I’d hope you realize how stupid it all is). Instead, I’d like to admit that I actually cried when I was about 10 minutes into the site. Why? Because it was a blatant expression of just so much hate toward what I am. The comments were the very worst. Any woman who was commenting was attacked by being called a dumb cunt and being emotionally unstable. She would be accused of being hysterical and irrational. Yet the very comments left by the men were worse. Hateful, spiteful and full of irrational responses like ‘women masturbate because they are fat, no man wants to sleep with them, or they are just cleaning out their viginas’. Basically, there was no intelligent conversation. When a woman spoke, whether calmly or in anger, she was received the same way: treated like a stupid moron with nothing intelligent to say.
I’m sure most people would see this site, roll their eyes and move on. Clearly it’s full of morons who just love being angry and calling people names to make themselves feel better. But again, why is that our response to something like that. If I directed you to a site called ‘jew are trash’ or ‘whites are better than blacks’ would it be the same? Do you think a book could be published and sold at barnes and noble called ‘jews are trash’? Would you just shrug and suggest it was just a joke and something to be laughed at? Probably not. If you did see something like that in a book store, would you protest it? How would you feel if the reaction you got was a chuckle and a pat on the head while you were told to settle down about it and not act so irrational?
I guess that’s all I really have to say about it. So maybe writing all of this wasn’t very helpful. But I think the spreading of hate and prejudice of any kind is even less helpful.
I love this mantra. It has stopped me from saying a lot of things that, when I think about it, really are not helpful at all. At the same time, it has also stopped me from sharing a lot about how I feel and what I think about things. The way I see it, am I really doing any good by stating my opinion about something? I know what my beliefs and opinions are, do I really need to share them? I know in the past I have posted quite a few rants here. They have mostly been about subjects I’ve been very passionate about. That said, where they ever really helpful? Probably not. The result has either been that people have commented who agreed with what I said or disagreed. For the people who already felt the same way I did, what was the point other than learning someone shares my opinion. And for the people who disagree, it just opens up the possibility of getting into some kind of argument that cannot be won. People who disagree with something passionately are unlikely to quickly change their mind about it. So again, really, is there a point to sharing thoughts and opinions? Maybe. I’m just saying that for me, I’m not sure how ‘helpful’ it really is.
That said, I came across something today that really upset me, and I guess I felt like writing about it. And, making it public. I guess I’d like to know what other people think about this issue. However, sticking with the ‘is it helpful’ mantra, if you totally disagree with what I’m about to write and you think I’m some kind of stupid retard for having this opinion, then please don’t bother writing to tell me so. That definitely isn’t helpful.
I have a very big problem with sexism. There are two reasons for this. One, I am a woman, so it does affect me and my life. And two, it is one of the few prejudices which seem to get over looked. I think it is a bigger problem then most people realize. On a personal note, I grew up believing that I needed to be male to be cool, play sports, like ninja turtles, read comics, play video games, etc. When ever I would day dream about myself on an adventure, I imagined I was male. It was only years later when it occurred to me, that I could still do all these things AND be female. Since then, I’ve realized how much of our culture really is sexist and carries the belief that roles and activities are gender specific. A couple of years ago, I took a psychology course about gender differences and apparently it has been found that when the term ‘men’ is used to describe the human race, young girls think it excludes them. So they believe certain jobs or roles just cannot be done by a woman. Well I can confirm that, as I grew up with that very problem. However, I guess it’s either something we don’t really think about, or there isn’t enough motivation to change it.
Not to sound sexist myself, but I find it hard to believe that men would find this to be much of a concern. It doesn’t effect them, so why should they care. Sometimes I think that men don’t realize how hard it really is to grow up constantly trying to fight against the belief that your gender makes you inferior. Women try to fight to prove themselves, and are often met with ridicule or hate. If a woman succeeds then she is a whore, or slut, or stealing men’s rights, or whatever. If she fails then she was ‘put in her place’. These are, of course, blanket statements. I’m sure not all men feel this way, or that all women feel this way either. This is just my personal experience and observation.
So then, the second part of my issue with sexism is how readily it seems to be ignored as a prejudice. The expression ‘you throw like a girl’ or ‘that’s such a chick thing to say’ or when a guy walks up to a group of men and says ‘hey ladies’ (which is meant to be insulting), it is often accepted and over looked. If I said ‘that’s such a black thing to say’ or ‘you’re acting like a jew’, I would think it would raise much more of an issue. People gasp at the word nigger or kike, but would happily make fun of their buddy for throwing like a girl. All three are meant to be insulting, but only one is acceptable.
This brings me to what I found today that really bothered me. There is a site called menarebetterthanwomen.com. The whole site is dedicated to teaching people, both men and women that men are, in fact, superior in every way to women. The guy who started the site has even written a book stating this opinion. It seems that some people claim it is just a big joke, but it certainly doesn’t seem that way to me. I looked at some of the articles and read some of the comments and it just seems like a breeding ground for hate.
He tries to state that men are better than women by using absolute blanket statements. Like saying something like ‘all women hate sex’ or ‘all men know how to solve problems’. In one of the articles he claims that a bit of information he was stating was from a man. He hadn’t heard the fact before, but because it was from a man, he was going to take it at face value for being true. This was because, as he said, all men have what is called ‘integrity’.
I would love to cut into all the problems, contradictions and fallacies in his arguments, but I’d hope it would be like preaching to the converted. (In other words, I’d hope you realize how stupid it all is). Instead, I’d like to admit that I actually cried when I was about 10 minutes into the site. Why? Because it was a blatant expression of just so much hate toward what I am. The comments were the very worst. Any woman who was commenting was attacked by being called a dumb cunt and being emotionally unstable. She would be accused of being hysterical and irrational. Yet the very comments left by the men were worse. Hateful, spiteful and full of irrational responses like ‘women masturbate because they are fat, no man wants to sleep with them, or they are just cleaning out their viginas’. Basically, there was no intelligent conversation. When a woman spoke, whether calmly or in anger, she was received the same way: treated like a stupid moron with nothing intelligent to say.
I’m sure most people would see this site, roll their eyes and move on. Clearly it’s full of morons who just love being angry and calling people names to make themselves feel better. But again, why is that our response to something like that. If I directed you to a site called ‘jew are trash’ or ‘whites are better than blacks’ would it be the same? Do you think a book could be published and sold at barnes and noble called ‘jews are trash’? Would you just shrug and suggest it was just a joke and something to be laughed at? Probably not. If you did see something like that in a book store, would you protest it? How would you feel if the reaction you got was a chuckle and a pat on the head while you were told to settle down about it and not act so irrational?
I guess that’s all I really have to say about it. So maybe writing all of this wasn’t very helpful. But I think the spreading of hate and prejudice of any kind is even less helpful.
I lol'd.
Whether a site is racist or sexist, I simply avoid both. Neither are acceptable, but no argument I could ever present would sway them.
It's just human nature. The older you get, the more you are absolutely dead certain that your way of thinking is right and other's are wrong. Trying to reprogram that takes either a lot of work or a lot of brainwash gruel.
I also just had a conversation with someone about your second point the other day. One of the worst things is an adult who thinks they know everything. Children are open to new ideas and being taught different ways of looking at things. But then some people reach a point where they've solidified their view of the world and that's where it stays (save an act of god). It is near impossible to get these people to change their way of thinking. I avoid arguing with these people. Or even talking to them really.....
It's not that the way someone thinks is necessarily 'wrong', but i just think it's helpful to stay open to the possibility that there are other ways of seeing things.
Sure, a few people might be stubborn when it comes to certain topics.
But I found many others are likely to "tip over" to a side if just they are given a good reason to do so... and if one is not enough, every one of them will help increasing the odds that this person will suddendly re-evaluate what it had been thinking about this topic up until now... Maybe there wasn't just enough thought put into it, maybe there was a certain viewpoint that could explain something in a way this person could not have perceived it?
So everything helps... :3
I'll comment on the rest later, it's so late D:
This is in fact, the EXACT way I grew up as well. Even then, people called it a "phase" that you go through, you know, "She's just being a tomboy, she'll grow out of it."
Aggggggghra! It's so ridiculous >:C
Ahaha, I got angry and sad just reading this because its something I've been thinking about a lot too. Personally, I think sexism has become so bad that it makes you feel like you're not a real or 'whole' person just because you're female. Even as I'm typing this, I know someone is going to read it and scream "GIRL POWER" or "FEMINSITS!" just because I feel like women are, in a general sense, mistreated based on false facts and statements. Which is ironic that most people think I'm male online just for acting like myself; being pervy, or dominating, etc. *shrugs*
Sure, men also have to deal with sexist remarks in their day-to-day lives; thinking they have to constantly be strong, or not being able to show emotions. But I agree that women have to deal with it on a worse level purely because it is so commonly accepted as "not a big deal". It's all so ridiculous I don't even know how to respond~ *sigh*
I have spent many years trying to figure out why it seems to hard for women to be taken seriously, especially when it comes to equality. I still question if it's because men don't get it. For the most part, most men I know get insulted at the even thought of being compared to a woman. It is humiliating to be seen as a woman or to have a 'female' trait. Men love to fuck women, but they wouldn't want to be one. Why? However much a man claims he's open minded and thinks of women as being equal, if he shuddered at the idea of being a woman, then he doesn't really.
I suppose I could keep ranting....but that's what I was trying to avoid :)
In most cases, I know what you're talking about, and it doesn't make sense to me either! XD
But, that's why I usually study others for a long time before confronting them in friendship, because there are OK people out there. They're just really hard to find~ :/
I'm just glad that there are others out there that can at least SEE the problem, instead of going. "Lol, what?"
Yeah, I was trying really hard not to rant either! Trying to keep it all in. X3
Women shouldn't have to feel that they need to act like men or even do what men do in order to feel important. Women are better equipped mentally and physically to some tasks that men are not and vice versa, though there are of course exceptions and overlap as well.
I think the reason why some women think they have to complete with men for 'men's' jobs is because those are the ones we tend to take seriously. Being a mid wife is a really important job and historically has been strictly a woman's job, but it isn't something people seem to take seriously or aspire to be when they grow up (and no man would want to be a midwife). Don't get me wrong. I think we should take it seriously, but ,culturally we don't really. Just like we don't take being 'emotional' seriously. It is seen as stronger to hide emotion, not cry and act apathetic towards people. Those tend to be seen as 'male' traits, even though I strongly believe they are learned. I believe that avoiding hurt feelings and acting apathetic is emotional cowardice. Yet for some reason, culturally it is seen as strength. And when a woman cries and talks about her feelings, she is weak and irrational.
So the problem is that until we take 'women's' skills seriously, women will fight for 'men's' skills when looking for equality.
Just take in the knowledge that he'll never have a happy relationship after this with any woman that's actually worth anything above what he published, which is sad as it is, knowing he'll be stuck with the only small bit of evidence that his book spits out compaired to the rest of the female population. Not only that, but he's obviously publishing such thoughtless trash to boost his own sence of self-being. He feels unimportant and not needed in the world. So he picks on something he feels is below him, and choose women. Probabily had an overly abusive father that beat his mother, so that enforced the feeling subconsiously that woman should feel submissive naturally towards males. I bet letting him know that there's more overly submissive males and overly dominant women then vice versa would shatter his fragile little world.
=) Interesting topic though, nice to have something to get the cobwebs out of the gears in my brain x.x
~N~
I think you made a good point. I don't like any form of sexism, even the assumption that all males are violent, stupid, afraid of commitment....uh, trying to think of other stereotypes.... you get the idea.
The books 'men are from mars and women are from venus' are actually written by a woman, and she really believes that men and women are like two different species. I think it is utter trash and listening to her talk makes me angry. And not just because she enforces female stereotypes, but because she tries to convince people that we are inherently incapable of understanding each other because of our gender.
I wouldn't be surprised if some of your guesses about the guy who made the website are true. Although it doesn't make me happy to think that. it makes me sad. Sad to think that this guy might actually have had a bad childhood, or terrible life experience or feel unimportant or whatever and rather than talk about it, he's lashing out in such a destructive manner. Again, this is why I think it is so dangerous to teach men it's stronger to keep your feelings inside and to be angry instead of sad and admitting to feeling hurt. What we end up with really hurting people who do destructive things to try and cope. There is no strength in keeping in what hurts. We have evolved to feel and to talk...there is a reason for that.
As for the 'submissive male' thing. I've actually heard that myself. Apparently, one of the top male fantasies is to be tied up and dominated by a woman. Yet, the majority of bdsm porn is the other way around.... I'm sure that's another interesting topic for another day.
Dont forget though, while your feeling sorry for a person with a bad past, he's currently making a bad present for dozens, maybe even -thousands- of women who will become oppressed from this masculine-pumping literature. However, he probabily thinks he's doing a good, no.. GREAT thing. Awakening men all over the world to unleash the invisable collars that women shackle down onto their throats in retaliation to the suppression they've undergone before women's rights movements were engaged. He doesn't know that what he's doing is exactly the opposite, forming an underlaying hatred in women for men, thinking we all think that way under such steriotypes. Women revolt, men look like pigs, and women get more power. It in turns causes an uproar that the men who have followed this thought process to put their female counterparts back into place, only to have a never-ending war of attempted dominance. All of these things spawn from one intolerable man with probabily a drinking problem that struck his overly submissive wife who didn't have two braincells to grab a knife while he was asleep. On a small scale, exterminators are the same way; killing off the unwanted insects in our homes. On a grander scale, Hitler was the same way, exterminated the races he thought under him. Odd how it's all differant based apon how you look at it.
Bottling emotions have both positive and negative effects. A truely strong person knows how and when to release them at the right times. Believe it or not, I heard this phrase on an episode of CSI about BDSM.
"It's interesting about slaves and masters.. if the slave wants to, they can refuse to obey the masters. So then, the real power lies in the submissive one staying submissive. Remove the submissiveness, and the dominant one is powerless" I shouldn't be quoting that cause I'm sure I messed up the words, but that's the point he made. =)
~N~
As for the never ending battle for dominance, it's still a war of the genders. And that's what bothers me. If we didn't see ourselves as SO divided by gender, then we might not have this asinine 'war of the sexes'.
We either have to accept that our differences are mostly taught, or to celebrate our differences. Respect male and female traits, not decide that one is better than the other.
As for the bdsm quote. Very true. It's the sub who's in control really. The sub gets to say red and shut down the whole thing. The dom has to obey. A lot of people don't always get that. But I could totally tie this into the sexism argument. I know a lot of men who are doms who would NEVER be submissive to a woman. I always find this frustrating. Does he fear giving up control? Or does he worry that he will be seen as weak if he allows himself to be dominated? I could probably rant about this...but I won't.
Ahh, you hit the nail on the head with that one. Most men who fear being submissive to their female, or just females in general, probably mostly fear showing weakness to one that they feel is even weaker to themselves. Technically, the whole 'masculinity' thing is back boned from being strong, unemotional, and dominating; typical Alpha Male stuff. Submitting to the alpha or even beta female is lower then the alpha male roll, so they find it insulting to their level of masculinity. My cousin was the same way, always dominant about situations when we talked about it. Though his biggest fantasy was to be tied up and dominated by a 'dominatrix' ;p Just another wierd quirk in the human psyche.
~N~
I do see your point.. to many people think women are obsessed with shopping, though to many people think men only like to work on cars and get into bar fights while chugging beer. :shudders: Every race, gender, and class of person has a steriotype, it's just up to each individual of that group to work as a whole to change it for the better. If women stop obsessing with shoes, shopping, their hair and nails and all that and men stopped obsessing with sports, cars, competeing in everything possible, being "masculine"/ muscles and no sensativity.. then perhaps the world would start to evolve upwards from the rutt we've created ourselves into.
However, dont forget that sometimes being unique comes from the differances in genders, and someone crossing the lines of it. For instance, a good example would be that one woman that was a Nascar driver. I dont think she ever once won a race, but she was on the TV and radio and even some cerial boxes. Publicity she wouldn't have gotten if she was a man, because a man would have to do something exceptionally well like win EVERY race, not just enter it. I dunno, just seems that sometimes thoes differances are good, long as their not taken out of contex; least in my oppinion. >.>
~N~
Though, personally I still would've voted Obama b/c Hillary as a person scares me. Plus the pharmaceutical companies bought her out years ago...
Anyway, I agree with you. It's sad that women feel they can't be equal to men in some ways, and it's stupid how our society conditions women. I hope this will eventually change some day :/
I guess it also brings out the divided way I feel, though. Women have a lot of obstacles to overcome in society but things have been slowly getting better, though this does not mitigate the horrible ways we treat one another. There has never been a female Red Ranger, except for one that turned evil. All-female teams tend to be quarrelsome and/or cute. In cartoons you almost never see a woman as strong as a man or stronger (though there are exceptions on occasion). On the other hand men have rough restrictions on them too. Men are not allowed to show emotional hurt, for instance. If they go into baking, sewing, crafts, interior decorating, or most other arts and crafts they are often labeled as gay whether they are or not. Gay men are not tolerated in many fraternal organizations. Is this because gay men are seen as effeminate? Is it more of the same type of misogynistic behavior by males who want to assert their testosterone? I don't know. All I know is that people are still people at the end of the day, and that all of us are burdened with our own hates and fears.
Certainly this is the societal default, but it's more that because it doesn't affect us, we don't notice it. This sort of male privilege is more common than conscious sexism.
Men need to hear about the effects of sexism and male privilege from women they already care about: mothers, sisters, friends, and lovers. That question of "why should I care" is always more easily answered when the suffering party is one who you already care about, you know? Some men still won't listen, but more will with each subsequent generation. The successes of feminism have all come from not being afraid to talk about these things.
Anyway, I believe men and women have both good and bad sides, women can do some things better then a man, and vica verca. To cry around who is better is just stupid. It's like saying water is better then fire - we need both to live! But then again; I agree that there have been too many arrows pointing towards the men and their existences, leaving the women looking less important.
Would like to see how men would survive with out us.
I've grown skeptic to the male breed, so I think they are not better at all.