WHY i keep even trying. to do anything.
finally a nice day out. the yard looks like it was face fucked by a tornado. the winter fucked everything again. broke more large pots even though they were not filled with things. stuff is knocked over and everywhere. i would swear little kids were in there after eating all the fucking sugar and drinking all the damn redbulls. it is going to take me forever to fix anything. and if this was just something that happened once i would be a lot less mad and be all Yeah it was a shitty winter. but it is not. in fact i cannot remember a time this has not happened. I cannot remember a time anything i have done has meant anything or lasted longer than a cheeseburger in front of an average american. i wanted so much to have the house clean and good to do art this winter. that of course did not happen and when i got even remotely close to getting the upstairs done we had ceiling collapse. which i am still waiting to have completely fixed. now it is spring.

part of me wants to give up so bad. on every single thing. and i mean everything. my body only gets worse every day. soon i will not be able to do anything really. so why do i keep torturing myself by trying to do anything.