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What is joy? A rant? no...something more
12 years ago
BY THE LIGHT OF THE MOON!
So, I found myself asking recently....'What is Joy'?
To some? It's icecream on a hot day. It's getting to go to a water park in summer, or getting to see snow for your first time. It's being an artist finally gotten good enough that you can make a decent income on commissions alone. It's a day off, where you can just relax, and do NOTHING.
I thought these things fit the bill, till now. Now? I learned the real meaning of joy, and I want you guys to just bare with me, and let me paint a picture of TRUE joy.
Imagine...almost 6 years ago today, you worked at a poor job, being overworked and underpaid. A day off is a godsend, and you spend each day off either at the bottom of a bottle, or in your choice of addictions, just to make the week you'll have to endure for that one day off a little less hellish. Managers bare down on you, co-workers half treat you like shit, Customers are rude and unappreciative of your work...only to go home to a landlord or renter who is more than happy to drain you of nearly every dollar you make, leaving you with little to your name. In my case, every extra dime I had to spare I shared with my friends, because half of them were worse off than me in money.
Suddenly....the job is gone. Something goes wrong...someone dies, or the term of a temp job is over, or whatever reason you can relate to. For some reason, nwo you are unemployed. But you have a bit of cash left over, right? I mean, you didn't even have time to spend your own money most times, anyways. But then you realize that use of this money comes at a price...you're funds drain out in a matter of weeks. In my case....days. Now, back to living with you're parents, broke, living on hand-outs again, like you were some child. You look for a new job, but the economy seems to have taken a bad hit while you worked too much to keep track. Getting a job...well, it wasn't as easy as you thought it'd be. No...the first few weeks go by...no luck. A month or two, and you're loosing hope.
Lets fast forward this story a bit. 3 years later, still no job. By this point, you've been being insulted, degraded, and undermined by your family, even. The few good gems in the family helping you can only help you so far. As you grasp for sanity, you turn to your friends you've made in the years, to escape once in a while. when they can't aid, you dig yourself into a video game, when not looking for a job, where in these games you've now become important. It's the only place you matter, anymore. Nobody cares. You feel more alone than you have in your whole life.
Once more, we push ahead. Lets go to just a few months ago. You've started your someteenth dozenth online relationship, since nobody in real life seems to want you, or the ones that do, you keep your distance, as you feel it's not right that you'd drag them down with you. Now you are looking at moving...leaving the few good relatives you have behind, and having to turn your back on your friends...all in hopes that something will finally go right. You arrive in a new town, hundreds, if not thousands of miles away from all you've ever known, only to find that the town is little different. You've your new partner, and hope this works out than the last several. But that's about it. Still begging your way through life, living on the funds of others just to get by. you have become nothing but a leech. A parasite. one more slip of bad luck....and you'll be on the streets, left to die. No friends. no family. Nobody. Forgotten and left to rot. this is all your life has come down to. this is your reward for 6 long years of fighting...of hunting...hopeing...praying...Begging for anything to go your way. this is all you amount to, now. By this point...you are grasping at fine threads to hold any memory of your sanity. Sure that your time to die is comeing...your time in this world, as far as the rest of the world matters, is done. You've all but given up.
you are nothing.
Nobody cares.
You have nothing
You will never amount to anything
why do you even bother fighting, even to just stay alive?
Suddenly...things look up. The relationship....it's...it's coming together in a way you dared not even dream. You meet people...sure a bit of a rag-tag bunch, everything from those unwilling to touch a beer, to drunks and addicts. But once you get to know them...they are actually a very amazing group...reminding you of home...every good thing about it, anyways. Without any of the bad. You're old addictions...these people want to help you break them. Then...as if just being able to feel at home, and happy again, wasn't enough....The bomb drops.
You land an interview. First one in years. it don't pan out. you land another, same week. get a second one from that, but it don't work out. finally, a third place pulls you in for an interview....then the second...and they ask you to come in Monday, that they are willing to give you a chance, despite your 6 years of hell.
A new home. A loving mate. New friends. Pushing free of you crutches. And now a job? And yet, this is only the beginning. 6 years of bad luck has finally broken.
This, my friends....This is Joy. this isn't just joy, but the type to bring tears to my eyes. I was beside myself in joy when the owner said he'd give me a chance. How the years have strained me...they nearly broke me. I don't know what I'd have done if my track record kept up. You see, THIS is the meaning of joy. this is joy in it's truest form.
Let nobody say a bowl of ice-cream could ever even look at this and call itself joy. No day off from work is joy. I've fought 6 years for this. Finally...finally my time has come. Finally, it looks like I'll get to stop leeching from my friends and loved ones...and able to show the world that these last 6 years have not rendered my useless.
To some? It's icecream on a hot day. It's getting to go to a water park in summer, or getting to see snow for your first time. It's being an artist finally gotten good enough that you can make a decent income on commissions alone. It's a day off, where you can just relax, and do NOTHING.
I thought these things fit the bill, till now. Now? I learned the real meaning of joy, and I want you guys to just bare with me, and let me paint a picture of TRUE joy.
Imagine...almost 6 years ago today, you worked at a poor job, being overworked and underpaid. A day off is a godsend, and you spend each day off either at the bottom of a bottle, or in your choice of addictions, just to make the week you'll have to endure for that one day off a little less hellish. Managers bare down on you, co-workers half treat you like shit, Customers are rude and unappreciative of your work...only to go home to a landlord or renter who is more than happy to drain you of nearly every dollar you make, leaving you with little to your name. In my case, every extra dime I had to spare I shared with my friends, because half of them were worse off than me in money.
Suddenly....the job is gone. Something goes wrong...someone dies, or the term of a temp job is over, or whatever reason you can relate to. For some reason, nwo you are unemployed. But you have a bit of cash left over, right? I mean, you didn't even have time to spend your own money most times, anyways. But then you realize that use of this money comes at a price...you're funds drain out in a matter of weeks. In my case....days. Now, back to living with you're parents, broke, living on hand-outs again, like you were some child. You look for a new job, but the economy seems to have taken a bad hit while you worked too much to keep track. Getting a job...well, it wasn't as easy as you thought it'd be. No...the first few weeks go by...no luck. A month or two, and you're loosing hope.
Lets fast forward this story a bit. 3 years later, still no job. By this point, you've been being insulted, degraded, and undermined by your family, even. The few good gems in the family helping you can only help you so far. As you grasp for sanity, you turn to your friends you've made in the years, to escape once in a while. when they can't aid, you dig yourself into a video game, when not looking for a job, where in these games you've now become important. It's the only place you matter, anymore. Nobody cares. You feel more alone than you have in your whole life.
Once more, we push ahead. Lets go to just a few months ago. You've started your someteenth dozenth online relationship, since nobody in real life seems to want you, or the ones that do, you keep your distance, as you feel it's not right that you'd drag them down with you. Now you are looking at moving...leaving the few good relatives you have behind, and having to turn your back on your friends...all in hopes that something will finally go right. You arrive in a new town, hundreds, if not thousands of miles away from all you've ever known, only to find that the town is little different. You've your new partner, and hope this works out than the last several. But that's about it. Still begging your way through life, living on the funds of others just to get by. you have become nothing but a leech. A parasite. one more slip of bad luck....and you'll be on the streets, left to die. No friends. no family. Nobody. Forgotten and left to rot. this is all your life has come down to. this is your reward for 6 long years of fighting...of hunting...hopeing...praying...Begging for anything to go your way. this is all you amount to, now. By this point...you are grasping at fine threads to hold any memory of your sanity. Sure that your time to die is comeing...your time in this world, as far as the rest of the world matters, is done. You've all but given up.
you are nothing.
Nobody cares.
You have nothing
You will never amount to anything
why do you even bother fighting, even to just stay alive?
Suddenly...things look up. The relationship....it's...it's coming together in a way you dared not even dream. You meet people...sure a bit of a rag-tag bunch, everything from those unwilling to touch a beer, to drunks and addicts. But once you get to know them...they are actually a very amazing group...reminding you of home...every good thing about it, anyways. Without any of the bad. You're old addictions...these people want to help you break them. Then...as if just being able to feel at home, and happy again, wasn't enough....The bomb drops.
You land an interview. First one in years. it don't pan out. you land another, same week. get a second one from that, but it don't work out. finally, a third place pulls you in for an interview....then the second...and they ask you to come in Monday, that they are willing to give you a chance, despite your 6 years of hell.
A new home. A loving mate. New friends. Pushing free of you crutches. And now a job? And yet, this is only the beginning. 6 years of bad luck has finally broken.
This, my friends....This is Joy. this isn't just joy, but the type to bring tears to my eyes. I was beside myself in joy when the owner said he'd give me a chance. How the years have strained me...they nearly broke me. I don't know what I'd have done if my track record kept up. You see, THIS is the meaning of joy. this is joy in it's truest form.
Let nobody say a bowl of ice-cream could ever even look at this and call itself joy. No day off from work is joy. I've fought 6 years for this. Finally...finally my time has come. Finally, it looks like I'll get to stop leeching from my friends and loved ones...and able to show the world that these last 6 years have not rendered my useless.
Now i just have to go to the store on time to get my uniforms, and bust my ass in hopes I don't screw this up. i'm 6 years of rusty for the work force, but I can't afford to let this chance slip through my paws. This is my chance of redemption, and I have to admit...i'm scared i'll screw it up.