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Life Update - *Warning - May be depressing for some*
12 years ago
Just want to put down what has been happening with me and let you all know.
But to start, i know that a lot of people will delete this journal without even checking out. Even less will look in it to see if anything is interesting and decide not and remove it. Then there even fewer that will read and not comment. I'd like to say to those people, thank you for taking time out of your day to see how i'm going. And for those few who read and comment, i thank you whole heartedly and repeat for previous. It is much appreciated as well.
Now to me.
I guess you caould say i'm depressed, bored, unmotivated and all meh.
Why? Well, i got a new job after having been unemployed for 9 months. I've been at this new job for going on 6 months now. Damn. It has gone fast.
That isn't the depressing bit. What it is, is that i am 1250km or so away from my wife and kids. I'm in Canberra while they are in Brisbane. I call them every night just to try to connect and talk to them, but my now 3 year old says a few words and runs off to play. And my 1 year old doesn't even talk yet. And my poor wife is stuck up there while she finishes her university course. And we have no real money for me to fly up there and back on the wekends to visit.
So when i left was end of September and didn't see them again for 2 months. They were down for 2 months over christmas and new years but went back end of January.
I'm currently living with my parents and my wife is living with hers. But she has it worse. She has to rely on her mother to look after the kids while she goes to university 3 days of the week. And her mum has a bad back and gets sore quite easily. On top of that her mum is having marital issues with her current, second husband and they are always arguing and carrying on so her mum is always depressed. And since my wife is her confidant, she gets all the crap piled on her and she gets depressed from it too. And at the end of the day she gets teary and needs a hug but can't get it.
What really pulls on my heart and makes me feel even worse it when i am on the phone, my 3 year old says, miss you daddy. I can't tell my wife it hurts when i hear that. I miss them so much. And he goes around all day saying that and asking where daddy is.
It also doesn't help that the step dad is a shovanistic pig as well. He treats women with a lot of disrespect, BUUUUT will only do it if there is no other males around, or does it with males who will support him.
So here i am, a long way from those whom i love and want to be with but can't. Wanting to be there to help and support them, but can't because i need to work to support my family. I'm depressed because of it and lonely. And i've got nothing to do here. And on top of that, i'm unmotivated to write or get creative.
So for those who RP with me or who are waiting for the next part of my story, please be patient. I'm really not my happy self at the moment and don't feel inspired to even get out of bed at the moment, but do because of my sense of responsibility to my family. So if i'm slow on my RPs or not on chat, this is why. I don't want to be a drag on every one and pull down anything good or fun.
And i'm not looking for sympathy of well wishes or anything else. I know those who know me care enough to want the best for me. And i'm not asking for people to try and make me feel better. Nothing short of me being with my family will solve that.
And for those who don't know me don't really care 'cause i don't affect their lives, that is fine. It is the same with me too. I may care on some level, but in reality, there is little or nothing that can be done.
There is one small bit of good though. I'll be up with my family in two weeks, for a week. It will be good, but nowhere long enough.
I should be happy though. I have full time work that i am good at. Which is better than a lot of people have at the moment. And is the best paying job i have ever had to boot. It is still hard in the end though. You know, if i was female and more in-tune with my emotions like women are, i would be crying myself to sleep every night the way i am now. But i'm not. I'm a dude, and crying over emotions is almost impossible for me. So it all says inside and gets me down in an ever incresing tide of sadness and depression.
Damn it sucks being a male at times. Sometimes i wish i could be my forsona as shi is better with hir emotions, with a male and female side, which allows for a more stable emotional state. But alas, it is not so.
So yeah. I think that's it.
Nuf said.
But to start, i know that a lot of people will delete this journal without even checking out. Even less will look in it to see if anything is interesting and decide not and remove it. Then there even fewer that will read and not comment. I'd like to say to those people, thank you for taking time out of your day to see how i'm going. And for those few who read and comment, i thank you whole heartedly and repeat for previous. It is much appreciated as well.
Now to me.
I guess you caould say i'm depressed, bored, unmotivated and all meh.
Why? Well, i got a new job after having been unemployed for 9 months. I've been at this new job for going on 6 months now. Damn. It has gone fast.
That isn't the depressing bit. What it is, is that i am 1250km or so away from my wife and kids. I'm in Canberra while they are in Brisbane. I call them every night just to try to connect and talk to them, but my now 3 year old says a few words and runs off to play. And my 1 year old doesn't even talk yet. And my poor wife is stuck up there while she finishes her university course. And we have no real money for me to fly up there and back on the wekends to visit.
So when i left was end of September and didn't see them again for 2 months. They were down for 2 months over christmas and new years but went back end of January.
I'm currently living with my parents and my wife is living with hers. But she has it worse. She has to rely on her mother to look after the kids while she goes to university 3 days of the week. And her mum has a bad back and gets sore quite easily. On top of that her mum is having marital issues with her current, second husband and they are always arguing and carrying on so her mum is always depressed. And since my wife is her confidant, she gets all the crap piled on her and she gets depressed from it too. And at the end of the day she gets teary and needs a hug but can't get it.
What really pulls on my heart and makes me feel even worse it when i am on the phone, my 3 year old says, miss you daddy. I can't tell my wife it hurts when i hear that. I miss them so much. And he goes around all day saying that and asking where daddy is.
It also doesn't help that the step dad is a shovanistic pig as well. He treats women with a lot of disrespect, BUUUUT will only do it if there is no other males around, or does it with males who will support him.
So here i am, a long way from those whom i love and want to be with but can't. Wanting to be there to help and support them, but can't because i need to work to support my family. I'm depressed because of it and lonely. And i've got nothing to do here. And on top of that, i'm unmotivated to write or get creative.
So for those who RP with me or who are waiting for the next part of my story, please be patient. I'm really not my happy self at the moment and don't feel inspired to even get out of bed at the moment, but do because of my sense of responsibility to my family. So if i'm slow on my RPs or not on chat, this is why. I don't want to be a drag on every one and pull down anything good or fun.
And i'm not looking for sympathy of well wishes or anything else. I know those who know me care enough to want the best for me. And i'm not asking for people to try and make me feel better. Nothing short of me being with my family will solve that.
And for those who don't know me don't really care 'cause i don't affect their lives, that is fine. It is the same with me too. I may care on some level, but in reality, there is little or nothing that can be done.
There is one small bit of good though. I'll be up with my family in two weeks, for a week. It will be good, but nowhere long enough.
I should be happy though. I have full time work that i am good at. Which is better than a lot of people have at the moment. And is the best paying job i have ever had to boot. It is still hard in the end though. You know, if i was female and more in-tune with my emotions like women are, i would be crying myself to sleep every night the way i am now. But i'm not. I'm a dude, and crying over emotions is almost impossible for me. So it all says inside and gets me down in an ever incresing tide of sadness and depression.
Damn it sucks being a male at times. Sometimes i wish i could be my forsona as shi is better with hir emotions, with a male and female side, which allows for a more stable emotional state. But alas, it is not so.
So yeah. I think that's it.
Nuf said.
i know you said you don't want sympathy or well wishes but that's just too bad. i wish you well and i'm truly sorry you're in that situation
*hugs tightly* just know that they love you ok? things won't stay like this forever
I do know you guys will overcome this, and will soon be reunited. *hugs*
Perhaps the best thing to do is try and find some work again closer to home in the meantime because lord knows it's not so simple to quit a job in these economic times, and it probably wasn't an easy decision to take that job in the first place, being so far away...
Sounds like the father in law and my brother are from the same molds. I don't understand what women see in men like that in the first place.
I'm a dude, and crying over emotions is almost impossible for me. It has NOTHING to do with being a dude or not. You have fallen into the trap of men don't cry and that's bull. In western culture we have set things where you have to be this or that with no middle ground. We are emotional beings and have the right to express their full range. I remember when I came out to my family and gave Dad a heart felt hug... the man was shocked and didn't know what to do. 30 years later one of the things he looked forward to was getting a hug or three from me. I'm the only one of us kids that hugged Dad as we got older. Show the world the finger and do what your heart tells when you need to express your feelings to those you love! Because someday it will be to late.
I'm in agreement with you on those type of people too. One thing is though, shovanism has a side I agree with, treat women differently to men. Treat them with respect and courtesy over others. That is the side I live by and by crikey I hate to see women treated otherwise.
Hmmm. I guess I'm caught in that stigma but it also stems from my childhood. Being bullied has also done it to me and now the negative feelings don't have any sort of outlet. But the culture doesn't help. At least I'm a hugger like you. That is one thing that is always good.