Pff another really long journal from me, read if you want to =3

I'm feeling a bit spiritual today, it might be the sleep deprivation from FWH but I've been thinking a lot about stuff lately. Watching some inspirational videos like the "to this day project". This weekend was FWH, which was way better than I expected. I really cherish the moments I can be with the people I have the honour to call my friends and especially the person I can call my life partner. At these times, all is well, I love all the moments, laughs and love with my friends. All I can hope is that I can be of some value in return for these amazing people. It's really times like these that keep me alive. Without them I promise you, I am nowhere, lost and alone...

Because of my background I've always had trouble sharing my feelings with other people. I've been working on it because of my boyfriend, who is the total opposite of what I am in that regard. So I've decided to spill the beans here. I'm pretty sure that a lot of these people don't know much about my personal situation. I don't like talking about it, because it makes me feel worthless and sad. That's why I pretty much always put on this "happy mask" in front of everyone and try to avoid questions about my personal life. I mean, all is well if you don't think about the bad things right?...Not really...I've been carrying this weight on my shoulders for a couple of years now, and now it seems like the last call to drop the weights and rise above it. Now, I'm really making it sound even worse than it may be to you people, but let me explain.

I've always considered myself to be an intelligent person, which I may or may not be. But what is intelligence if you don't put it to use. Exactly, not much, it's like putting gasoline in a car that is broken. During my school careers I've never had any troubles getting good grades. That was, until I had to write my thesis. For some reason I've never got myself to finish the damn thing, and I'm paying the price for it. I'm getting older and older and I've achieved pretty much nothing on a professional level. At FWH, someone asked me how old I was, and I couldn't answer it. I always was one of the younger people in class, now I'm the oldest, still living with my parents, feeling trapped. I've cut the connections with my non-furry friends out of shame, I'm ashamed where I stand at this age. I’m seeing my self confidence crumble to a point when sometimes I'm not even sure why people want to spend time with me. It's idiotic that I let this thing take over my whole life. But I can't help it. There's something inside me that keeps me from "just doing it". And it is not until someone held a mirror in front of my face and told me things I already knew. Because I think about it every single day, it's gnawing on me like a leech, and being confronted by the things you put away deep by not talking about it anymore is painful. But it may be good that it happened, sometimes you just need a kick in the pants to get something done.

I’m currently looking into ways I can fix this issue, I’m going to give hypnotherapy a try. But also this last couple of days I’ve really had the urge to talk about it with some friends. Some people think talking about stuff is a kind of therapy as well. I just wonder if the friends I can laugh with, also are willing to listen to my problems. I’m afraid to bore and bother someone with this. Some people just sense that there’s something bothering me and ask me about it, some can’t see through my defence mechanism, which is fine, some are more sensitive to underlying emotions than others. Really want to visit some friends and just have a talk about serious stuff, but don’t know how to bring it up to them. I don’t really like talking over MSN or something about this stuff unless there’s no other choice. I also don’t really feel I’m able to maintain friendships that well either, I suck at messenger chatting, it makes me feel bad not being able to keep a conversation on the Internet going.

In the end I am so very glad I’m a part of this community, things like someone that you’ve never even met in real life genuinely listens to your story and tries to help you the best he can. I’m so glad I’m a part of a community where you can just hug and hold someone without saying anything, and all is well, no matter how you are different from the standard. We are all people carrying luggage from the past, we can all learn from each other.

Geez another long, long journal, thank you for reading. And I have a question for people that know me personally, if you think of me, how do see me?

Oh and just want to share this video Ator shared, so damn powerful! Made me wanna think and talk about stuff