....so...just now I was reading about how to determine if a guy is gay and all because i just wanted to make sure so that...i'm not that obvious...however this led me into depression due to how I'm not going to have a good life even if i force myself to date a girl.....and I still need to get a girlfriend....yeah then at some point it led to remembering how the society goes hating on the gay guys so I got more depressed after remembering that.... I really need to keep forcing myself to be straight....

And then I tried to cheer up a little so my mood went a little normal but as I read a journal recently...I got depressed again how there are other people who still hates other people.....I really get depressed so easily when I enter someone's world where he got hated.....because I can easily absorb the feeling of being hated....and that is why I can't control myself and cause people to hate me.....in other words.....I kind of have a ability to absorb and release hatred from another source..... that's why i hate the hate in this world....

So my mood is not normal anymore right now....then there is that popufur and all....then......I remember how I caused some of them to go upset and I seriously regretted that....which then....was one of the causes to my submission clean up......I really can't control my mood swings and hatred...... I'm really sorry to the ones that got upset........

Now also I know people tried to cheer me up through the net....but really its not enough anymore because all i recieve is an indirect feeling of care from friends.......i never had much of the direct feeling because of my isolation........So yeah...every time people cheer me up on the net....it barely affects too well.....because I understand how the feeling of care is yet.....and i easily forget the feeling once I do feel it....

sorry for the rant....I just needed to release my problems again....