It's six AM, and I haven't slept. I've spent the better part of the past three hours or so browsing YouTube for documentaries on transgender people (mostly children), and it occurred to me that I've never really talked about my own, personal experiences regarding it. This is mainly because I figure there is no point to it, since I don't hide who I am online. I have no need to officially 'come out' - the transfurs and FtM groups in my journal footer are enough for anyone who views my page to know.

When I first started this account in 2008, I presented myself as a cisgender (basically, not transgender; 'biological') male. This was before I even fully realized that was what I was, and at the time thought myself to be some freaky tween (I was 13) chick who pretended to be a guy on the internet, because maybe she wished she was. I learned about FtM (female-to-male) transmen a year later, from an episode of Maury my mom had left on the TV, and everything seemed to click immediately

It wasn't until 2010 when I started really exploring the idea of being transgender. I had spent the past few months in a relationship with a straight guy who I had convinced myself I loved enough to be a girl for him. Naturally, that didn't work out too well, but once I was out of that I was free to be who I wanted online. I joined a support site for transpeople, and a lot of the guys on there helped me figure out just what it meant to be a transman. For the first time, I didn't feel like I was a freak because pretty much every one of them felt similar things to what I had always felt.

Things went well online, but of course there was the real world. In 2009 (pretty much around the time I first learned about being trans) I switched from public school to homeschool, so there wasn't that to deal with, but there was still my parents. The majority of my family is Southern Baptist, which automatically presents a red flag, but my parents have never really pushed religion. I was raised to believe in God and heaven and whatnot, but we never went to church or anything like that. Long story short, my parents drew the "when you're 18 you can do whatever you want, but while you're in our house you're how we see you," card.

I figured that was fine, because what was another three years? The problem was, the Internet was (and still is) my only outlet. When I first started going on forums at age 10, and realized I could present myself as male and no one would know, I was hooked instantly. I slowly started shutting out the 'real world' in favor of the one where I could be free, which was part of the reason I switched to homeschooling once I started highschool. It eventually got to the point where the only regular, physical, human contact I ever got was my parents (and occasionally my extended family).

Quite honestly, the past three years feel like they were only months because so little had changed, and not much happened. My brain feels like it was frozen until very recently, age-wise. It's one of the reasons I freak out when I realize I'll be eighteen in five months, because mentally I still feel 15 (at most). I look around on FaceBook, and I see people my age talking about driving and having jobs and relationships, and preparing for college, and I think, "I should be on that same level...", but I'm not.

Anyway, this is getting long, and I haven't even really expressed my thoughts on actually being transgender. It's definitely not something I'd choose had I been given the option, but I feel like it has, and will continue to, presented me with opportunities that I otherwise would not have experienced. The reason I'm posting this? I managed to somehow 'unlock' the chains on my mental growth sometime earlier this year, and I guess I've been in a more reflective mood. I managed to come out to some people in real life, and it feels like finally the ball is rolling.

Thanks to anyone who managed to read all of this. I know it was a lot.

- Jerry/Matt (along with any other name I've ever used)