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part of a story pls help me critique it
12 years ago
General
I stared at the man I had been dating for the last three years.
“What do you meant Justin?” I wanted to run before he said it. Taking a deep breath he looked to the ground.
“My name is not Justin, its actually Matt. Justin is my middle name.” my heart nearly stopped. Matt Justin the name is the same as my first love. He looked at me with the blue gray eyes that I had fallen for. I realized I fell for Justin … Matt before I left for here.
“you cant be matt. At least not my matt.” He nodded then squared his broad shoulders.
“I am sorry that I didn’t tell you before but I was sworn to secrecy.”
“by who!” my head began to spin. My first love was my ex boy friend. How did this end up happening?
“I will tell you after we get to the train station.” I stopped him there.
“Sorry matt I had already made plans with a friend.” Whistling I signaled my companions from the trees.” They have been honest with me form the get go and now I will travel on foot with them.” Matt smiled but looked surprised.
“When did you get a horse? And a wolf for that matter!?”
“Why dose he sound so surprised? I mean really you have clothing that states that you are going to ride back.” I had to hide my laugh from matt because I did not want to explain to him about the power I have.
“What’s so funny? I am trying to be serious.”
“Nothing just though of something I said once. Anyhow you will have to make the trek back home by your self. So have fun with your secrets.” Matt’s eyes twinkled. I hated when they twinkle it always means that he had some kind of plan.
“Well if our mare holds two people then I can come with you.” I snorted.
“And you think that just because you say it she’ll do it.”
“I don’t mind corrie. But he will walk or no deal I don’t like that he hurt you.” I nodded.
“If you are going to ‘escort’ me then you will have to walk. My mare does not trust you.” Matt nodded and said he would love to escort me back home. With that I wanted to get going.
“He can come because I will run most of the time but you have to help him up and if he hurts me he will have a painful experience” shadow bared her teeth.
“You will be riding with me for most of the time I want to get going as fast as I can.” Matt smiled. I hoped up onto the mare with no problems. “Oh and by the way you should not hurt her when you get up. Just warning you.” He chuckled and waited for my hand to help him jump on my 17 hand horse. I pulled as he jumped and swung on. With a jolt shadow began to gallop off. Paw’s was keeping up with ease. I felt Matt rock trying to keep his balance. I put the reins down and helped him steady. When I turned around I felt his arms circle around my ribs and waist tightly. A shiver ran up my arms but I chose to ignore, it. This is not going to work very well. I thought to my self. I looked one more time behind me and as the forest engulfed us I said Farwell to my old home.
We ran until it turned dusk. Soft paws had been leading the way for hours now. With an abrupt stop I felt matt lung forowred only for my body to stop his tumbling forwored, only to have him slide side ways. I cluched to him as we both plumied to theground. Luckly he was not hurt unluckly he landed on me. I sat there sidways like youd see in a cartoon or movie.
“ eh hem do you mind kindly getting off me” shadow helped me with the point as she grabed his shirt in her mouth and yanked him away. Dragging him five feet away she laied by me to let me grab to her mane. When I was finally up I dusted my self off.
“ you know I don’t think that horse likes me. But what waswith the whole dragging me upandaway?” I shrugged my sholders and grined.
“ you know that is the darnest thing when you cheat on your girlfriend with a skank.” I patted my horse and started to set up camp. The tent went up no problem, but the fire was another story. Matt came up and took my flint. Striking it four times he was finally fed up.
“this is not going to work.” Rolling my eyes I took my flint stone back.
“ that’s because geniuse the wood is to wet. We need drier wood.i looked around and saw stiks laying under a tree. Those should do. But look out for foxes they are notorius for stealing stuff from humans.” I snikerd because I knew that there was a really badcover up job for a trap. As I turnd my back I heard a shreak coming from the trees direction.
“What do you meant Justin?” I wanted to run before he said it. Taking a deep breath he looked to the ground.
“My name is not Justin, its actually Matt. Justin is my middle name.” my heart nearly stopped. Matt Justin the name is the same as my first love. He looked at me with the blue gray eyes that I had fallen for. I realized I fell for Justin … Matt before I left for here.
“you cant be matt. At least not my matt.” He nodded then squared his broad shoulders.
“I am sorry that I didn’t tell you before but I was sworn to secrecy.”
“by who!” my head began to spin. My first love was my ex boy friend. How did this end up happening?
“I will tell you after we get to the train station.” I stopped him there.
“Sorry matt I had already made plans with a friend.” Whistling I signaled my companions from the trees.” They have been honest with me form the get go and now I will travel on foot with them.” Matt smiled but looked surprised.
“When did you get a horse? And a wolf for that matter!?”
“Why dose he sound so surprised? I mean really you have clothing that states that you are going to ride back.” I had to hide my laugh from matt because I did not want to explain to him about the power I have.
“What’s so funny? I am trying to be serious.”
“Nothing just though of something I said once. Anyhow you will have to make the trek back home by your self. So have fun with your secrets.” Matt’s eyes twinkled. I hated when they twinkle it always means that he had some kind of plan.
“Well if our mare holds two people then I can come with you.” I snorted.
“And you think that just because you say it she’ll do it.”
“I don’t mind corrie. But he will walk or no deal I don’t like that he hurt you.” I nodded.
“If you are going to ‘escort’ me then you will have to walk. My mare does not trust you.” Matt nodded and said he would love to escort me back home. With that I wanted to get going.
“He can come because I will run most of the time but you have to help him up and if he hurts me he will have a painful experience” shadow bared her teeth.
“You will be riding with me for most of the time I want to get going as fast as I can.” Matt smiled. I hoped up onto the mare with no problems. “Oh and by the way you should not hurt her when you get up. Just warning you.” He chuckled and waited for my hand to help him jump on my 17 hand horse. I pulled as he jumped and swung on. With a jolt shadow began to gallop off. Paw’s was keeping up with ease. I felt Matt rock trying to keep his balance. I put the reins down and helped him steady. When I turned around I felt his arms circle around my ribs and waist tightly. A shiver ran up my arms but I chose to ignore, it. This is not going to work very well. I thought to my self. I looked one more time behind me and as the forest engulfed us I said Farwell to my old home.
We ran until it turned dusk. Soft paws had been leading the way for hours now. With an abrupt stop I felt matt lung forowred only for my body to stop his tumbling forwored, only to have him slide side ways. I cluched to him as we both plumied to theground. Luckly he was not hurt unluckly he landed on me. I sat there sidways like youd see in a cartoon or movie.
“ eh hem do you mind kindly getting off me” shadow helped me with the point as she grabed his shirt in her mouth and yanked him away. Dragging him five feet away she laied by me to let me grab to her mane. When I was finally up I dusted my self off.
“ you know I don’t think that horse likes me. But what waswith the whole dragging me upandaway?” I shrugged my sholders and grined.
“ you know that is the darnest thing when you cheat on your girlfriend with a skank.” I patted my horse and started to set up camp. The tent went up no problem, but the fire was another story. Matt came up and took my flint. Striking it four times he was finally fed up.
“this is not going to work.” Rolling my eyes I took my flint stone back.
“ that’s because geniuse the wood is to wet. We need drier wood.i looked around and saw stiks laying under a tree. Those should do. But look out for foxes they are notorius for stealing stuff from humans.” I snikerd because I knew that there was a really badcover up job for a trap. As I turnd my back I heard a shreak coming from the trees direction.
As it is out of context as a part it’s hard to critique. It is very dialogue heavy with too little description. The reflective dialogue seems forced from the female protagonist. Try thinking of conversations that you’ve had or heard other people have, think of emotion, and think of action in those conversations and try to create your dialogue in that light.
