Ever have those days when you feel like everything just crumbles down around you? Ya, right now I'm pretty much there. I'm stressed out by work. So much is going on I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around everything. New position opens and a supervisor slips me a hint that I'm being watched for a possible promotion. Normally, this is a yay! type of thing, but right now its just added stress.

Add that to I'm trying to go back to school. So now I'm enrolled for college again, but on probationary status due to my attendance issue last time a few years ago. Again should be a yay thing, but I'm being looked at for a promotion at work so I will have to be working and going to school full time IF I get the promotion. I don't know how the hell I'm supposed to manage that and can't just up and tell my boss I'm not interested in the promotion as I need the money for school.

On the subject of money, I'm tearing my hair out trying to get all the money for college. I know my classes, depending on how many, will cost between $1500 to $1750. So I'm spending a lot of my free time searching for scholarships and grants that I can qualify for, knowing that I don't qualify for many because of my current living conditions. I have a better chance this time over last time as I can't be claimed so I don't have to file based on my parent's income which was too much since its based on Gross and doesn't deduct tax expenses to allow me to qualify for anything in the past.

Now add books which can cost anywhere from $50 to $100 per class as a minimum. I barely have enough to pay for my books with my checks as is. So it comes back to needing the scholarships/grants.

Now I also have a lot of family pressure. I'm the oldest unmarried member of my family. The rest are now taking it upon themselves to needlessly involve themselves in my lovelife. My overly christian family does not know I am into guys. Which is causing more stress as I can't just keep brushing them off. Its either out myself or start playing along, either way will end up with drama I won't want or need.

What's worse, I'm dealing with two deaths in my family. One a loyal pet who I had to bury before going to work early yesterday morning. I've barely given myself time to allow that to sink in and was told today that one of my cousins was involved in a car accident. I wasn't close to this one, in fact I barely knew who this one was, but family obligations dictate I must mourn for said family member with other family members in a very depressing atmosphere and I really just can't deal with all of this right now.

Right now, and this is the straw that broke the camel's back, I have a friend that I hold dear, yelling at me saying he hates me. I know I made a promise I didn't keep with him, but I really just couldn't bring myself to compare to his level. I'm a very negative thinker so when I start on something for friends all that goes through my head while working on it is how horrible I'm doing, how much you'll hate it and hate me for even trying to compare myself to your level. I don't think bad of you. I will continue to think of you as my friend. I know your life is way worse than mine so my issues are probably pitiful "fallen from paradise" like comparison. Call me naive, call me stupid, but I will never give up on a friend when they hurt me while their feelings are thrown through a loop.

There is just so much I cannot deal with right now and sometimes I wish I lived in the fantasy others must see me living in.

I'll at least apologize for anything or anyone I may have hurt over the years. I know I act like a whore and extremely slutty for some people. Its how I am. If people ask me to back off I do. I tone it down to an acceptable level for them. Its usually just how I tend to cope. I wish I had as many friends as I delude myself in having. I hardly talk to anyone on my friends list because they either ignore me or I don't know them. I see some people who are friendly and its easier to talk to them while others scare the hell out of me. It looks like I'm their friend on the outside because I talk to them, but I know nothing about them and most likely I'm intimidated.

I just don't know what to do with myself right now. Sorry for the pity party rant.