Okay. So I haven’t been around these past two weeks. I’m not sure how many people here noticed, but I know a lot of my friends have been worried. Probably for good reason. But… Here’s the whole situation.

Basically, I’d been feeling trapped. Very trapped. Like I had no freedom. And I kept being treated like an ungrateful child who wasn’t allowed to suffer and needed to be shielded from himself. I ended up making plans with a friend of mine to move to South Dakota. I knew there were a fuckton of problems with this plan, but I was incredibly desperate, and so I figured I’d just have to make it work. When I was planning it, I felt more hope, more joy in me than I had ever experienced in my life. I could not sit still.


Then I got found out. And talked down out of it. Told how I wouldn’t have any money, I’d be in debt, a bunch of things I’d already figured out… Then told that I wouldn’t be able to hold a job. That I wasn’t emotionally capable of handling it.

I guess I kind of deflated. The next day, I went to see my counselor. I don’t remember much of that session, but one piece in it still stands out in my mind. My counselor was talking about how my internet relationships were “unrealistic” and kept going on and on about things. Finally, I said “What I’m getting from this is that I’m not suited for reality.” Her response? “That’s a good observation.”

…Everything else she said from that point didn’t really matter, even clarifications of how she really didn’t mean it badly, most people’s problems are the same thing, that can be changed. It didn’t matter. When she said that, something was struck deep inside me. Venom I’d long internalized went straight to my heart. I didn’t react just then, but on the way home, it wormed inside me. I started crying uncontrollably. I felt like stupid, weak, selfish, useless, worthless coward. Every poisonous thing of my incapabilities and my failings I’d been told crushed me.

I managed to stop crying that day. I still felt bad.

The next day, though, it started up again. I was in math class, and I’d just broken down. One of my caretakers was standing outside so I wouldn’t skip. I wasn’t trusted. I was never trusted. I sat there, sobbing in math class until my teacher asked me to leave.

I went to see my psychiatrist. We waited a long time. Several times I said, “Maybe I should just go outside and jump in front of a car. Skip all this waiting.” I didn’t. But the thought was there. The desire was there. I wanted to die.

My psychiatrist referred me to the hospital he usually works at to get treatment and medication adjustments. I stayed there from that day, Wednesday, til Friday of the next week, today. I start going through electroconvulsive therapy, and I got some new medication. Now I’m finally back, and on my way to moving out soon to somewhere with more independence. Not South Dakota though, this time. I’m staying around here for now. But… Hopefully it should help.