I’m scared. Okay? I’m really scared. I’ve been through a lot. I went through 18 years of emotional abuse, and from there I went into a home where I initially felt liberated, but then felt trapped. It nearly killed me. I made desperate decisions not based on material benefit, but on attempts at salvaging something of my emotional health. They were risky decisions. Those decisions did not go through, but they may now be contributing to what is terrifying me deeply. Just… Read for a bit, will you?

So… I’m autistic, for those that do not know. I have some difficulties with social things, with anxiety, some other issues. I don’t deal with stress well, or anger. Because of this, I’ve been receiving assistance from the state of Missouri. That assistance has, at times, come with strings attached, however, or so I’ve been told. I do know that those strings, whether they were attached to what I was told they were, had tremendously negative impact on my life.

My internet access, which kept me sane, was taken away, and then kept restricted, for a long time. My sole outlet, which allowed me to keep in contact with my friends, the only people that I cared about… It was taken away. I was told that I was addicted, that I needed to be shielded from myself. That I’d made bad decisions and so needed to be watched, and limited.

The feeling of being trapped, controlled, pushed me toward the edge. I barely hung on, and in desperation, once, I made plans to leave, with someone I didn’t know well. I was desperate for companionship, for freedom. I needed SOME way out of where I was, even if it ran the risk of destroying me, because I was slowly dying.

I was caught before it happened, and it didn’t go through. But I did get to leave, and I’m in a situation where I have much more freedom than I did before… But I’m not sure why the rules were changed. I think they might have been imposed at the old house by my host parents, not by the state, despite what I’d been told. There’s been evidence of other lies by them, so it wouldn’t surprise me.

Somewhere along the way, I was hospitalized twice for being suicidal. I never attempted, and I was… “voluntarily” committed, though the second time I just didn’t have enough will to resist it despite my terror. This probably has something to do with the problem I’m having now.

Anyway, right now, I have as much internet access as I could ever want, and I’ve been fairly happy, able to interact with my friends and do things. But there’s something that’s been looming over me, that I’ve managed to not let get to me until recently, but it’s haunting me.

They want to put me under a guardianship. My autonomy would be stripped away, basically all decisions about my life would be made by someone else. Legal decisions, medical decisions, who I can and cannot see. Total authority over me.

There are others with worse issues than I have that don’t have their ability to make decisions for themselves stripped away. There are people who waste their life away, don’t even TRY to improve it, who destroy themselves and yet are allowed to. So why me? I don’t know. I have some vague ideas of the reasons they’re trying to say I need it, they’re saying I don’t make good decisions for myself.

That doesn’t justify taking my autonomy away. That doesn’t justify my living in fear that my ability to talk with my friends when I want, or to even see them ever, will be taken away. And I’m certain that with this, they could take that away. They could cut off my internet, they could check every person that I ever want to meet up with and stop it from happening. I don’t trust anyone who would be a likely candidate for the guardianship not to impose their will on me because of what they think is better, overriding my wishes for MY life.

I’m scared. And I don’t know how to fight this. And I guess I just… I want some way out. And I want support. I want… Something. More than anything I just want freedom. I’m so tired of living with people having absolute power over me that they’re ready and willing to exercise. I’ve lived it my whole life. It nearly killed me. Ultimately, I want to LIVE. And I’m tired of people trying to stop that from happening.