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Realization
19 years ago
General
I'm always the last to notice these things, but now that it's made itself apparant, suddenly it kind of makes sense.
The lack of inspiration.
The feeling like I'm pushing myself too hard to say anything 'interesting'
The fact that, when I finally did have something to say, it hurt someone deeply.
this stuck-in-the-mud feeling isn't something new; it's just familliar enough to be uncomfortable, to be a thorn in my side, to tint everything the subtlest shade darker, the slightest taste bitterer. It was conveniently omitted from my memory and senses, like so many unpleasent things... and as usual, it took the observation of a complete outsider to open my eyes.
... I'm depressed.
Now, I'm not saying this to look for attention or sympathy... I find no enjoyment in sapping the energy and empathy of my loved ones, or even complete strangers--but the fact remains that this is a problem, and it is worthy of addressing.
I don't know how it happened or even when it began, but I know that my grave insult, albeit an unintentional one, toward another incredible artist, was the result of it, as is a recent trouble as pertains to the creation of new art. It is amazing what a lack of confidence can do... and, it is devastating what FALSE confidence can do...
I only had the slightest inkling that something was amiss when my smiles started to feel fake, when the world started to feel heavy, when the colors started to become sucked away, and day-in, day-out began to tax... but now it all makes sense and I know exactly what the problem is. Unfortnately, I don't know what to do about it. These are the sorts of revelations that blindside you. The ones that you -never- see coming until it's too late. And now it is too late.
Why is it too late? Depression is like an infection, for me. It anchors itself in my heart and strengthens itself, it builds walls, fortifications, and countermeasures, and manifests feelings of doubt, insecurity, irrational fear, and hesitation. It, for all intents and purposes, takes my life, and reduces it to a ruined state for its duration... and I am blessed that I can look at it so objectively now rather than just curl up in a ball and start bawling.
Like so many things wrong with me, though, my depressions are too powered by some form of haywire defense mechanism. When you've sealed yourself away in a dark hole, even if the loneliness gets you, the bullets won't. Perhaps it was once necessary, but is now just a vestigial hinderance that will do nothing but damage a person and their life. Me and MY life.
And as an aforementioned blocked-away unpleasentness... I lack the key to open it. Or do I? ... sometimes the key itself is right behind me, also blocked away. But further is the issue of whether or not I want to open it at all... an idiocy that could make me infinitely worse. In the end, all I end up doing is sitting and thinking about it, and drifting further and further into debility...
it's quite a connundrum.
I could enjoy pondering a puzzle like this, normally ._.
Go Figure.
--five minutes later--
omigawd...
oh my god...
I GET OUT OF DEPRESSIONS BY FAILING.
SHIT. SHIT! SHIIIIT! >_< *HOLE+WALL=PUNCH*
Gods mother-fucking DAMMIT --THIS is why college didn't work for me! THIS is why I'm depressed--I got calls from TWO Architectural firms and now there's PRESSURE. I haven't worked on my resume in YEARS and I can't get started on it, and it's WHAT-IF. The WHAT-IFS. It's always the WHAT-IFS that attack me, they creep up on me and make me DOUBT! And then I hesitate for SO LONG that failure becomes such a GIVEN that I just GIVE UP and 'go on' with my 'life' but my 'LIFE' isn't more than THIS SHIT because I crumble every time I have a chance to make it something MORE! And I'm afraid of change, and I'm afraid of progress, and I'm afraid of ... losing what little I already have...
I'm depressed... because the depression will make me 'flunk' out of sending in resumes to architectural firms that are actually interested in me... and when I have no hope of any success whatsoever... I shrug it off and say, "If I don't pay attention to my depression, I'll just forget that I'm depressed, and it'll be okay, it'll all be over and I'll be back where I started with no trouble!"
Depression was the one thing I THOUGHT -would- go away if I ignored it, that it would just correct itself and phase out because it was NOTHING more than a hormonal imbalance, because I was SURE that it had NO cause, but THIS IS CAUSE.
FUCK!
-_- now I have to DO something about it...
*shudder*
...When I moved to Roanoke, Virginia... I was afraid of losing everything. Ironically, I did lose all semblence of stability I used to have. I lost touch with my best and closest friends--ONLINE!!--because I merely didn't even have a desk to sit at... and now I have a job with strange hours that takes up strange times...AND YET...
Roanoke... is STILL an improvement over chicopee. It's STILL a 'success' to me, somehow. I guess I just got so fed up... and the depression that rose about the big move was too weak. And then!! There's the fact that moving is not hard at all, especially not when your only IMPORTANT possession is your laptop and you never sit back and ask yourself 'what the fuck am I doing' until it's over... heh... like climbing a cliff and not looking down.
But I still don't know how to FORCE MYSELF to write that resume. When I open that word document, my mouth goes dry and my mind goes blank, and i can't find that 'ranting energy', that capability to DELUGE like I have here in FA.
So if it only works in FA... hah.. ahah... AhahahahaHA.. AHaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAH
AHAHahaHAHAhaHAAhahahAHAHAAAAHahaHAHAHAhahAHahaHAAAhhhh...
I'LL JUST DO IT HERE, MOTHERFUCKER! YOU CAN'T TOUCH ME -HERE-, -HERE- IS WHERE -I- AM IN CONTROL! I WIN! I WIN YOU DIRTY SONOFABITCH! I FUCKING WIN!
Alright people, I'm gonna tell you a little story about what I'd love to get paid for and why someone should pay me to do it!
EDUCATION:
CHICOPEE COMPREHENSIVE HIGH SCHOOL:
Graduated in 2003 with Carreer/Technical specialization in Computer Aided Drafting.
In the Drafting Technology course, not only did I excell in following specifications to the letter, but I also did it in unforseen, creative ways that turned the heads of my instructors and developed my assignments among the farthest of the class as pertains to aesthetics and detail.
At the end of the course, I not only completed American Design and Drafting Association certification as a draftsman, but also was one of the two highest scores in the class (even higher than the assistant instructor) on the certification exam.
I hoped to find a challenge, later.
HOLYOKE COMMUNITY COLLEGE:
Attended between 2003 and 2005,
Found inability to pursue other fields, because they were not Drafting OR Architecture.
This community college did not possess the necesssary programs to train me in the ways that would best suit my profession of choice. Not only did I complete the majority of my obligations in the one drafting class they possessed almost more than a week ahead of schedule, but I also regretfully found myself turning into the class tutor, allowing several other students to pass as well.
I needed a challenge.
WORK EXPERIENCE:
TARGET CORPORATION stores:
October 2003-January 2004
50 Holyoke Street, Holyoke, MA 01040
Supervisor no longer present
There was little to no room to express creativity at this job, but it did promote teamwork, and taught me how to buckle down and execute tasks on-command with considerably less hesitation.
It was not, however, a challenge.
LOUIS AND CLARK drug store:
January 2005-May 2006
1481 Memorial Drive, Chicopee, MA 01020
Supervisor: Maureen Boutin
This job did allow me to express some creativity, with the arrangements of shelves in attempt to promote an aesthetically pleasing, 'quaint' environment, especially in the gift section. My ability to percieve such a purpose is a direct testiment to how desperate I'd become to create anything worthwhile.
This job was not useful or a challenge either.
ERMC Mall Security:
May 2006-present
4802 Valley View Blvd NW Roanoke, VA, 24012
Supervisor: Eddie Langan
Required minimal use of a computer to generate regular status reports and organize paperwork. The majority of it is walking, and it is the monotony of this employment that is driving me the most to assume a position in a field where my abilities are actually utilized.
This job was the least challenging OF ALL.
CAPABILITIES:
Typing speed rated up to 120 words-per-minute
Experience with all Microsoft Office applications
Mastery of AutoDesk AutoCAD versions R14 through 2000i
Experience with AutoDesk Inventor 6
MERITS:
American Design and Drafting Association certificatoin
(Extra: ) PERSONAL SKILLS and INTERESTS:
freehand drawing
literature
musical composition
REFERENCES:
########################
(PRIVATE, not for FurAffinity ^^)
########################
The lack of inspiration.
The feeling like I'm pushing myself too hard to say anything 'interesting'
The fact that, when I finally did have something to say, it hurt someone deeply.
this stuck-in-the-mud feeling isn't something new; it's just familliar enough to be uncomfortable, to be a thorn in my side, to tint everything the subtlest shade darker, the slightest taste bitterer. It was conveniently omitted from my memory and senses, like so many unpleasent things... and as usual, it took the observation of a complete outsider to open my eyes.
... I'm depressed.
Now, I'm not saying this to look for attention or sympathy... I find no enjoyment in sapping the energy and empathy of my loved ones, or even complete strangers--but the fact remains that this is a problem, and it is worthy of addressing.
I don't know how it happened or even when it began, but I know that my grave insult, albeit an unintentional one, toward another incredible artist, was the result of it, as is a recent trouble as pertains to the creation of new art. It is amazing what a lack of confidence can do... and, it is devastating what FALSE confidence can do...
I only had the slightest inkling that something was amiss when my smiles started to feel fake, when the world started to feel heavy, when the colors started to become sucked away, and day-in, day-out began to tax... but now it all makes sense and I know exactly what the problem is. Unfortnately, I don't know what to do about it. These are the sorts of revelations that blindside you. The ones that you -never- see coming until it's too late. And now it is too late.
Why is it too late? Depression is like an infection, for me. It anchors itself in my heart and strengthens itself, it builds walls, fortifications, and countermeasures, and manifests feelings of doubt, insecurity, irrational fear, and hesitation. It, for all intents and purposes, takes my life, and reduces it to a ruined state for its duration... and I am blessed that I can look at it so objectively now rather than just curl up in a ball and start bawling.
Like so many things wrong with me, though, my depressions are too powered by some form of haywire defense mechanism. When you've sealed yourself away in a dark hole, even if the loneliness gets you, the bullets won't. Perhaps it was once necessary, but is now just a vestigial hinderance that will do nothing but damage a person and their life. Me and MY life.
And as an aforementioned blocked-away unpleasentness... I lack the key to open it. Or do I? ... sometimes the key itself is right behind me, also blocked away. But further is the issue of whether or not I want to open it at all... an idiocy that could make me infinitely worse. In the end, all I end up doing is sitting and thinking about it, and drifting further and further into debility...
it's quite a connundrum.
I could enjoy pondering a puzzle like this, normally ._.
Go Figure.
--five minutes later--
omigawd...
oh my god...
I GET OUT OF DEPRESSIONS BY FAILING.
SHIT. SHIT! SHIIIIT! >_< *HOLE+WALL=PUNCH*
Gods mother-fucking DAMMIT --THIS is why college didn't work for me! THIS is why I'm depressed--I got calls from TWO Architectural firms and now there's PRESSURE. I haven't worked on my resume in YEARS and I can't get started on it, and it's WHAT-IF. The WHAT-IFS. It's always the WHAT-IFS that attack me, they creep up on me and make me DOUBT! And then I hesitate for SO LONG that failure becomes such a GIVEN that I just GIVE UP and 'go on' with my 'life' but my 'LIFE' isn't more than THIS SHIT because I crumble every time I have a chance to make it something MORE! And I'm afraid of change, and I'm afraid of progress, and I'm afraid of ... losing what little I already have...
I'm depressed... because the depression will make me 'flunk' out of sending in resumes to architectural firms that are actually interested in me... and when I have no hope of any success whatsoever... I shrug it off and say, "If I don't pay attention to my depression, I'll just forget that I'm depressed, and it'll be okay, it'll all be over and I'll be back where I started with no trouble!"
Depression was the one thing I THOUGHT -would- go away if I ignored it, that it would just correct itself and phase out because it was NOTHING more than a hormonal imbalance, because I was SURE that it had NO cause, but THIS IS CAUSE.
FUCK!
-_- now I have to DO something about it...
*shudder*
...When I moved to Roanoke, Virginia... I was afraid of losing everything. Ironically, I did lose all semblence of stability I used to have. I lost touch with my best and closest friends--ONLINE!!--because I merely didn't even have a desk to sit at... and now I have a job with strange hours that takes up strange times...AND YET...
Roanoke... is STILL an improvement over chicopee. It's STILL a 'success' to me, somehow. I guess I just got so fed up... and the depression that rose about the big move was too weak. And then!! There's the fact that moving is not hard at all, especially not when your only IMPORTANT possession is your laptop and you never sit back and ask yourself 'what the fuck am I doing' until it's over... heh... like climbing a cliff and not looking down.
But I still don't know how to FORCE MYSELF to write that resume. When I open that word document, my mouth goes dry and my mind goes blank, and i can't find that 'ranting energy', that capability to DELUGE like I have here in FA.
So if it only works in FA... hah.. ahah... AhahahahaHA.. AHaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAH
AHAHahaHAHAhaHAAhahahAHAHAAAAHahaHAHAHAhahAHahaHAAAhhhh...
I'LL JUST DO IT HERE, MOTHERFUCKER! YOU CAN'T TOUCH ME -HERE-, -HERE- IS WHERE -I- AM IN CONTROL! I WIN! I WIN YOU DIRTY SONOFABITCH! I FUCKING WIN!
Alright people, I'm gonna tell you a little story about what I'd love to get paid for and why someone should pay me to do it!
EDUCATION:
CHICOPEE COMPREHENSIVE HIGH SCHOOL:
Graduated in 2003 with Carreer/Technical specialization in Computer Aided Drafting.
In the Drafting Technology course, not only did I excell in following specifications to the letter, but I also did it in unforseen, creative ways that turned the heads of my instructors and developed my assignments among the farthest of the class as pertains to aesthetics and detail.
At the end of the course, I not only completed American Design and Drafting Association certification as a draftsman, but also was one of the two highest scores in the class (even higher than the assistant instructor) on the certification exam.
I hoped to find a challenge, later.
HOLYOKE COMMUNITY COLLEGE:
Attended between 2003 and 2005,
Found inability to pursue other fields, because they were not Drafting OR Architecture.
This community college did not possess the necesssary programs to train me in the ways that would best suit my profession of choice. Not only did I complete the majority of my obligations in the one drafting class they possessed almost more than a week ahead of schedule, but I also regretfully found myself turning into the class tutor, allowing several other students to pass as well.
I needed a challenge.
WORK EXPERIENCE:
TARGET CORPORATION stores:
October 2003-January 2004
50 Holyoke Street, Holyoke, MA 01040
Supervisor no longer present
There was little to no room to express creativity at this job, but it did promote teamwork, and taught me how to buckle down and execute tasks on-command with considerably less hesitation.
It was not, however, a challenge.
LOUIS AND CLARK drug store:
January 2005-May 2006
1481 Memorial Drive, Chicopee, MA 01020
Supervisor: Maureen Boutin
This job did allow me to express some creativity, with the arrangements of shelves in attempt to promote an aesthetically pleasing, 'quaint' environment, especially in the gift section. My ability to percieve such a purpose is a direct testiment to how desperate I'd become to create anything worthwhile.
This job was not useful or a challenge either.
ERMC Mall Security:
May 2006-present
4802 Valley View Blvd NW Roanoke, VA, 24012
Supervisor: Eddie Langan
Required minimal use of a computer to generate regular status reports and organize paperwork. The majority of it is walking, and it is the monotony of this employment that is driving me the most to assume a position in a field where my abilities are actually utilized.
This job was the least challenging OF ALL.
CAPABILITIES:
Typing speed rated up to 120 words-per-minute
Experience with all Microsoft Office applications
Mastery of AutoDesk AutoCAD versions R14 through 2000i
Experience with AutoDesk Inventor 6
MERITS:
American Design and Drafting Association certificatoin
(Extra: ) PERSONAL SKILLS and INTERESTS:
freehand drawing
literature
musical composition
REFERENCES:
########################
(PRIVATE, not for FurAffinity ^^)
########################
the only thing we can hope to do is keep drawing. don't stop drawing. this is the only means through which I perpetuate what skill I do have, and refine it.
I'm sure you can do it... especially if I can x.x
there are amazing, practically god-like artists out there who have been at it for half the time I have. I've been trying for almost seven years ;_;
so please, don't discredit yourself. Keep open your eyes, your mind, and your heart, and the pictures will come to you.