Cutting My Break Short After a Moment of Realization -- CommanderTaneShepard's Journal -- Fur Affinity [dot] net

Cutting My Break Short After a Moment of Realization

12 years ago

Hey all



During my time away I have been thinking and I have had a moment of realization, I thought just taking a break from the fandom would be the best idea but really this would be a bad idea.



For those of you who have known me for a long time you know that I suffer from really bad depression and there have been moments were things have been really bad just like lately, I have tried to get help in the past by seeing councilors but its always seemed rushed and I have never stuck to it because once I start feeling better again I think I have gotten over it, but the fact is it is something I need to work long and hard with.



I have pushed a lot of people away in my life and for all of those still with me it means so much and I owe it not just to myself but to all my friends to get better, I have done some things I am not proud of and quite frankly been really horrible to some people and I don't know how it gets to that stage, but that person is not me, the person I am is very caring and loyal to my friends who likes to have a laugh and would do anything for my friends.



Its really hard to explain what goes on in my mind when I'm depressed and things can just trigger it off, but I just turn into this whole different person, all my life I have been isolated from social groups because I have been '' the loser'' or ''the freak'' but im to damn nice that I would do anything for anyone just to feel accepted so I would be a doormat for people and then be treated like crap and then when I get upset about it its my fault?



The reason why it would be a bad idea to take a break from the fandom is because this is where I belong, here there are people like me and who understand me and what I am into, but the problem is I'm starting to feel isolated again even within the fandom and I think this is my own doing, after pushing people away, in my head I feel that people in the fandom know who I am and as soon as they hear my name they think '' that depressed asshole'' but maybe this is all in my head.



I just don't want to be known as that guy because I am not that person, but if I do keep getting depressed like then that's what people are going to think and it really needs to stop, I feel like I cant go to meets sometimes because people don't want me there, I really need to get a control on this, what also worries me is I find it hard getting close to people, whenever I meet someone I seem to just ruin the relationship, its like I turn into this other person who tells me I don't deserve to be happy so they ruin it, if this hadn't happened maybe I would of still been with the person I loved...



This has gone on long enough, I am sick of feeling like this and ruining things, I have been blaming my depression for things to much and it has been apart of my life for too long, this is my life and I choose how to live it, I understand that I have burnt some bridges beyond repair and I cant do anything about that, but the fact this bothers me so much and that I want it to end shows I am a good person, I need to move forward with my life and with the people I care about because they wouldn't be with me if they didn't see the good in me, so I owe it to them as well as myself to get better.



I need to socialize more and just jump right into things like fur meets and meeting new people and if people don't like me I shouldn't take it so personal, but I need to start living my life, because its only getting shorter and shorter and I have so much to look forward too like starting university this year, I see the doctor tomorrow and I'm going to talk to him about my depression and see what he things, but the fact I can still pull myself up after all this time, shows I still have strength to get through this.



and with all the important people in my life ( you know who you are)  then I will get through this.





with any luck this will be my last emotional post

6 Comments

SableTheDog ~coyotedark

Watcher

12 years ago

Depression is a serious thing. I know, as I got it too. The one thing that will help anyone who has depression is friends. One, two, three, maybe a whole group. Maybe even a "family" of friends. But friends none-the-less. Speaking from experience, I know that each trigger for depression varies greatly, and its primary factor is memories. Every time I hear the sentence "you aren't good enough", or a variation of that, it triggers the depression. Push away people who are negative towards you all the time, and embrace those who know who you are, and accept you for all you that you are- faults included. If you need someone to talk to when you're feeling down, just send me a note. I'm always down for chatting with people.