It has just been one of those days where my mind is plagued with all of these "what if" scenarios. It, also, happens to be one of those days that I just do not know who I can go to talk to about anything. I know that my friends are always there for me but I assumed getting my words down somewhere else would possibly sort things out, even in the most minuscule way. I know how my brain works and just writing something in word and leaving it like that is not enough for me to even have the slightest feeling of achievement (I don't know if that is the word that I am looking for)?

I already apologize for this brain numbing spew.

I woke up this morning even more disgusted with myself than normal and I do not know what brought these thoughts to the foreground of my mind but they have not left. I began to wonder if it had anything to do with the girl that I met just shy of a week ago. If anything she is the female version of myself down to she has the level of obsession of boots (yes boots, like cowboy boots) as I do and the fact that she can quote Star Wars by heart. She lives a solid five hours away and I know that nothing would come of this besides a friendship and a nice person to talk to, about everything. But I couldn't help but feel and think "If I was only born the right gender...would I be going about this differently?" A huge part of me is saying that I would not. I am terrible when it comes to long distance relationships (Even though five hour is not that far away). I would rather have the person here relativity close to me that I could show of, enjoy their company, take them out to dinner, and spoil them with a handful of gifts whenever I desired. I can't help but like her...she's the splitting image of what my "ideal" partner would be. I am not kidding, even slightly, that she likes/loves everything that I do. She loves roller-coasters, she loves all of my bands and even knows some that I don't and is happily tossing them my way like I do to other people, she's going to culinary school (which is an art in itself)...I love food, she's beyond carrying even if the person doesn't give back the same amount of affection or love, she has played and loves every single game that I have ever been attached too, she draws, she loves and has tattoos but...even though the list could keep going...is it really that I like her? Or is it just a void to fill the spot that my ex left behind? I would like to believe my brain does not work that way...but the rebound effect has been scientifically proven. Though...I have already hinted at that I am horrible with long distance relationships to her and I would not do well in one. And she's already told me "that's fine. :3 I don't care." along with a handful of other texts and conversations on the phone that she would still love to adventure everywhere that we have talked about.... But...I just don't know..... And the more I talk to her the more I keep thinking about how I am stuck with this body until I can do otherwise. The more I think about all of the what if's. Like what if I was born in the right body? Would I have the friends that I have today? Would I have been able to get the other girls that I liked? Would my self esteem be as high as I believe it will be once I go through transitioning over? Then it doesn't help when I am on the internet and I can't help but stumbled across males either cosplaying or from a band or just in a random picture and I can't help but look at it and think "Damn...why can't that be me?" If anything....I just don't know anymore...The world is full of unknowns and questions, and there's time that I wish there was some ghost that could show me a world of what it would be like if I was the right gender originally. How would everything be? What challenges would I have faced? Would I still have had the friends that liked me in more than a friendly manor? Would I like myself? Would I actually see myself as "handsome" or "goodlooking" like how people call me "pretty" or "beautiful" now and I can't see what the hell they're talking about?

I just don't know....