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Life update (very long and personal)
12 years ago
General
Disclaimer - Writing this while half asleep and only semi cognitive. Not to mention all the feels that will ensue. I just wanted to let people know a bit that's been going through my mind, and let them know the cause for being radio silent so much.
The past 8 months have been literally some of the roughest times of my entire life... Ever hear the phrase, "ignorance is bliss?" I've come to truly respect the term. Before I found the furry fandom I was content blending in and fading away... Forever single, very few friends, distanced from my family, void of emotions, buried in videogames. Basically, just another statistic fading away into darkness. I used videogames to run from life and merely did what I was told to do.. go to college, get good grades, do your homework. I would always find the best way to accomplish what I was told. Never really allowing myself to think for myself. Merely existing to please those around me (a few friends and my parents). Following two main beliefs, Attempt to not be hypocritical, and do unto others as you'd prefer they do to you.
I never had the confidence to pursue anything I really wanted... Really, I didn't think I was good enough or deserved to have what I wanted.. I still struggle with it to this day. It often spews out on Twitter or as whining to friends... To which I sincerely apologize to. After finding the fandom I came to realize I should branch out and meet those around me. Experience life and learn what it had to offer outside of the internet. I forced myself to have limited access to video-games. My vice since the age of 7.
I've since met so many amazing people! Both in and outside of the fandom. The biggest influences on my life being an otter that happens to reside in Ohio and my previous bf. The otter opened my eyes to what can be accomplished if you put your mind to it. The amazing people you think only exist in movies? They do exist in the world around us. You just need to open your eyes. He helped inspire me to pursue bodybuilding and made me realize you can have fun doing what you love as a profession.
My ex, bless his soul. Pulled me out of my shell. He showed me what a real significant other was all about. He helped me grow emotionally and actually form deep connections with those around me. He also, however, planted a seed that made me question my career path and selfworth. pushing me to pursue goals outside of my work in an attempt to move on with my life. I wish our minds and goals were more synergized and things would have worked out between us. I've considered so many career paths and still have no clue what to pursue. I'm actually still too afraid to cut ties with my current path and pursue the ideas I have.
This leads to the past 8 months... I followed work to southern Indiana. Away from all my old friends, my family, and any comforts I used to know. I was lucky enough to have a wonderful husky, a welcoming tiger, n a yote. Things kinda went haywire and I lost touch with these guys. mostly alienating myself in a location I hated, surrounded by some of the most demotivational folks. Every weekend I found myself driving a minimum of 200 miles (total) to hang with and meet new people. I've learned so much and touched so many lives over the short while this was happening. Seymour literally drained me of my life and the will I had built up to be more than just a number.
Life in Seymour, however, did give me a lot of time to reflect and learn many things. I've learned life isn't about material things, looking rich, having a big house, or anything so superficial. I've learned to try to find the silver lining in everything. I realize that life is about the people you meet, the experiences you share and enjoy with those around you. The "American dream" of a white picket fence and 2.5 kids really is a pipedream... that often leads to over extended financial situations and more stress than is needed. I'm happy I've learned this now rather then when I'm 10 years into a career that I find no real purpose in and have no more energy to move on. It's been stressful pushing myself so hard to find a place in life... and a significant other. Something I never realized could bring so much to my life (dumb I know).
I do know that I've always been happiest serving a purpose for those around me. My gaming days were often filled with being one of the go to guys. Helping my team succeed even against some of the most stacked odds. I've been searching for a career path that lets me learn skills that I can help those around me with and/or gives me the time to network and learn/teach the most I can. I've since used what knowledge I've gained to help anyone who asks for advice. Life is about learning, helping, taking care of, and teaching those around you (to me at least). I have so many ideas and have set limits on my current path that will force me to take the leap into the unknown. Without great risk, there can be no great reward.
As for a significant other... I've grown close to a number of people but... I'm too scared to leap. I'm scared I'll hurt them like I hurt my last significant other. I never want to put someone through the emotional rollercoaster I put them through. There's also the aspect of location. I would never want someone to endanger their true potential for lil ol me. I would be crushed if someone sacrificed their dreams or goals for me. This is part of why I'm career searching for something flexible so no matter what happens we can both succeed and achieve our true potential. I force myself to remain (relatively) alone and learn the most I can until something works out. I can only hope I bring joy to those I encounter and speak with.
When I was in college I had a path, since graduation that road has become a darkened tunnel with no light at the end of it. I can merely approach every day looking to take in the most knowledge I can and do what I can to have a positive effect on peoples lives... while trying to find a path myself. I hope to learn skills to one day improve education in this country (or the world if possible) and the health of our nation. I need a path or source of income that allows me to do just this. I've found several ways... I just need to take em. All while balancing a drive to meet and learn from as many people as possible and keep myself sane enough to keep the drive I've found ><
I'll probably take this down in a few days... but I thought I would give folks an update on why I've been so absent from most things furry and communication related.
I'm truly grateful for the fandom, the people I've met, and the opportunities that have arisen in my life.
The past 8 months have been literally some of the roughest times of my entire life... Ever hear the phrase, "ignorance is bliss?" I've come to truly respect the term. Before I found the furry fandom I was content blending in and fading away... Forever single, very few friends, distanced from my family, void of emotions, buried in videogames. Basically, just another statistic fading away into darkness. I used videogames to run from life and merely did what I was told to do.. go to college, get good grades, do your homework. I would always find the best way to accomplish what I was told. Never really allowing myself to think for myself. Merely existing to please those around me (a few friends and my parents). Following two main beliefs, Attempt to not be hypocritical, and do unto others as you'd prefer they do to you.
I never had the confidence to pursue anything I really wanted... Really, I didn't think I was good enough or deserved to have what I wanted.. I still struggle with it to this day. It often spews out on Twitter or as whining to friends... To which I sincerely apologize to. After finding the fandom I came to realize I should branch out and meet those around me. Experience life and learn what it had to offer outside of the internet. I forced myself to have limited access to video-games. My vice since the age of 7.
I've since met so many amazing people! Both in and outside of the fandom. The biggest influences on my life being an otter that happens to reside in Ohio and my previous bf. The otter opened my eyes to what can be accomplished if you put your mind to it. The amazing people you think only exist in movies? They do exist in the world around us. You just need to open your eyes. He helped inspire me to pursue bodybuilding and made me realize you can have fun doing what you love as a profession.
My ex, bless his soul. Pulled me out of my shell. He showed me what a real significant other was all about. He helped me grow emotionally and actually form deep connections with those around me. He also, however, planted a seed that made me question my career path and selfworth. pushing me to pursue goals outside of my work in an attempt to move on with my life. I wish our minds and goals were more synergized and things would have worked out between us. I've considered so many career paths and still have no clue what to pursue. I'm actually still too afraid to cut ties with my current path and pursue the ideas I have.
This leads to the past 8 months... I followed work to southern Indiana. Away from all my old friends, my family, and any comforts I used to know. I was lucky enough to have a wonderful husky, a welcoming tiger, n a yote. Things kinda went haywire and I lost touch with these guys. mostly alienating myself in a location I hated, surrounded by some of the most demotivational folks. Every weekend I found myself driving a minimum of 200 miles (total) to hang with and meet new people. I've learned so much and touched so many lives over the short while this was happening. Seymour literally drained me of my life and the will I had built up to be more than just a number.
Life in Seymour, however, did give me a lot of time to reflect and learn many things. I've learned life isn't about material things, looking rich, having a big house, or anything so superficial. I've learned to try to find the silver lining in everything. I realize that life is about the people you meet, the experiences you share and enjoy with those around you. The "American dream" of a white picket fence and 2.5 kids really is a pipedream... that often leads to over extended financial situations and more stress than is needed. I'm happy I've learned this now rather then when I'm 10 years into a career that I find no real purpose in and have no more energy to move on. It's been stressful pushing myself so hard to find a place in life... and a significant other. Something I never realized could bring so much to my life (dumb I know).
I do know that I've always been happiest serving a purpose for those around me. My gaming days were often filled with being one of the go to guys. Helping my team succeed even against some of the most stacked odds. I've been searching for a career path that lets me learn skills that I can help those around me with and/or gives me the time to network and learn/teach the most I can. I've since used what knowledge I've gained to help anyone who asks for advice. Life is about learning, helping, taking care of, and teaching those around you (to me at least). I have so many ideas and have set limits on my current path that will force me to take the leap into the unknown. Without great risk, there can be no great reward.
As for a significant other... I've grown close to a number of people but... I'm too scared to leap. I'm scared I'll hurt them like I hurt my last significant other. I never want to put someone through the emotional rollercoaster I put them through. There's also the aspect of location. I would never want someone to endanger their true potential for lil ol me. I would be crushed if someone sacrificed their dreams or goals for me. This is part of why I'm career searching for something flexible so no matter what happens we can both succeed and achieve our true potential. I force myself to remain (relatively) alone and learn the most I can until something works out. I can only hope I bring joy to those I encounter and speak with.
When I was in college I had a path, since graduation that road has become a darkened tunnel with no light at the end of it. I can merely approach every day looking to take in the most knowledge I can and do what I can to have a positive effect on peoples lives... while trying to find a path myself. I hope to learn skills to one day improve education in this country (or the world if possible) and the health of our nation. I need a path or source of income that allows me to do just this. I've found several ways... I just need to take em. All while balancing a drive to meet and learn from as many people as possible and keep myself sane enough to keep the drive I've found ><
I'll probably take this down in a few days... but I thought I would give folks an update on why I've been so absent from most things furry and communication related.
I'm truly grateful for the fandom, the people I've met, and the opportunities that have arisen in my life.
The fact you can take lessons from your past relationships, rather than scorn them entirely, is also a very positive trait to your personality. Far too many people see nothing but the negatives from their exes, and take absolutely no benefits or lessons from them. Continuing to scorn your past lovers only makes you weak, and it'll become a pattern that makes you take it out on future relationships. Your worry of hurting new people shouldn't make you scared, it should make you proud that you know better, and cause you to be more confident that you can find someone new, and treat them well.
You're worried this journal is full of feels and dramas, but it was a surprisingly intelligent mind-dump, full of past-reflection, and how you can benefit yourself. It really is a shame we didn't hang out as much as we did, considering I'm in Indy too. I've been looking for jobs in Michigan with hardly any luck, but I live well enough here that it isn't too much of a problem.
You'll get what you want. There plenty of cute ones out there that would love to have you take care of them as well as you seem to want to treat them.
I can relate to thinking about having your career and goals all set while in college, and then when graduating... nothing; completely lost with seemingly no direction on where to go.
You shall find someone in good time. just always think about yourself and your goals first before others
The most important thing to remember is that spending too much time thinking about what will make you most happy is taking time away from exploring what will make you happy. Sometimes, all the rational thought in the world isn't enough to predict without a catalyst to get it there. You've let yourself be that catalyst for others--me for one--and I know you're the sort of person who can do that for yourself as well.
Life rarely closes all the doors but one. I've found at times when I feel like I have to make an all or nothing gamble on low probable returns, getting the nothing makes me aware that there are other options for less dramatic progress; I just hadn't been looking for them the right way.
I should really get to know you better by talking to you instead of just "being near you" when you "visit" with a certain roommate of mine at furcons. lol