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Second Journal
12 years ago
Hi hi FA!!!! It's been a long while since I updated and or did anything on here.
I tend to like observing and being a watcher of things that happen and stay out of the lime light so to speak.
I thought it was high time to update my FA though and just ramble a bit.
A lot has happened since joining this community... lots of drama... others assuming things that may or may not be true... and just games period(which I dislike and tend to stay clear of if at all possible). I can be guilty of letting things get out of hand, but hey growing up helps you realise crap like that.
After the last fur meet that was held at the house out in Dunbar, near UBC in Vancouver I left or went into a hiding phase of my life... I with drew from a lot of things and the furry community. I was hurt and had trusted people I shouldn't have and well lets just say it was kinda high schoolish.
I also lost my way in life a few years ago... and with a kid that's not a good thing to do, Though she thought of it as an adventure, living with friends and family, couch surfing, I knew it wasn't and I had to get a stable rock under us some how... I believe I may have done some damage that may pop up later in her life... I wasn't the only one to hurt her at that point in time either. She became attached to an ex of mine and when things went south with him and myself she was torn in the process and that hurt me to see her heart ache. He had promised things and they never ended up happening... I've been semi cautious and slightly picky about whom I've let back into my life... I'm not good at finding a significant other that can tell the truth and be honest... I have tried, but I seem to believe lies, but I'm good at catching them fast and ending it before my daughter notices... I try to protect her as best as I can. It's hard when all she wants is to see the good in everyone and thing and love life and make friends everywhere, she gets attached easily and quickly, right from hello most times.
I can slightly remember the carefree days that she gets to experience now, but for me they are fading the longer this journey goes on and the more jaded life gets. I'm scared that I'll never be able to make her dream of having a family a reality and for me that dream is probably fading faster for me then her right now.
I'm an outsider to everything even when it looks like I'm fitting in somewhere something will happen to destroy that groove and throw me back out to loner land.
I don't push others away on purpose it just happens. I can be socially awkward and seem distant, but in all honesty I just need to be social and have a pack that I can trust.
I'm baring my soul over the net... Why I can't say it out loud I have no clue, but I'm more honest when I type things out at the moment... I'm scared of saying this stuff out loud and being rejected... as if by doing so it will makes a bigger hole then the one I'm already trying to keep a board over and keep things and my real self hidden. Even though my real self shows through more then most think.
Oh just so you know I am stable now... or as stable as a single parent can be dealing with some medical issues and raising a beautiful vibrant hyper child who is my life and helps me live more and more every day. She is my life and has been since she was just a whisper. My next child will make this life all the more bright, colourful and beautiful, but right now that child is a dream that has yet to be whispered.
I'm rambling more then I should, but I'm thinking that this gives some of my close friends a bit of a glimpse into my head and maybe some understanding about some things...
I think this is enough rambling and baring my soul for now... I'll try to make the next journal entry soon hopefully not years from now. :P
I tend to like observing and being a watcher of things that happen and stay out of the lime light so to speak.
I thought it was high time to update my FA though and just ramble a bit.
A lot has happened since joining this community... lots of drama... others assuming things that may or may not be true... and just games period(which I dislike and tend to stay clear of if at all possible). I can be guilty of letting things get out of hand, but hey growing up helps you realise crap like that.
After the last fur meet that was held at the house out in Dunbar, near UBC in Vancouver I left or went into a hiding phase of my life... I with drew from a lot of things and the furry community. I was hurt and had trusted people I shouldn't have and well lets just say it was kinda high schoolish.
I also lost my way in life a few years ago... and with a kid that's not a good thing to do, Though she thought of it as an adventure, living with friends and family, couch surfing, I knew it wasn't and I had to get a stable rock under us some how... I believe I may have done some damage that may pop up later in her life... I wasn't the only one to hurt her at that point in time either. She became attached to an ex of mine and when things went south with him and myself she was torn in the process and that hurt me to see her heart ache. He had promised things and they never ended up happening... I've been semi cautious and slightly picky about whom I've let back into my life... I'm not good at finding a significant other that can tell the truth and be honest... I have tried, but I seem to believe lies, but I'm good at catching them fast and ending it before my daughter notices... I try to protect her as best as I can. It's hard when all she wants is to see the good in everyone and thing and love life and make friends everywhere, she gets attached easily and quickly, right from hello most times.
I can slightly remember the carefree days that she gets to experience now, but for me they are fading the longer this journey goes on and the more jaded life gets. I'm scared that I'll never be able to make her dream of having a family a reality and for me that dream is probably fading faster for me then her right now.
I'm an outsider to everything even when it looks like I'm fitting in somewhere something will happen to destroy that groove and throw me back out to loner land.
I don't push others away on purpose it just happens. I can be socially awkward and seem distant, but in all honesty I just need to be social and have a pack that I can trust.
I'm baring my soul over the net... Why I can't say it out loud I have no clue, but I'm more honest when I type things out at the moment... I'm scared of saying this stuff out loud and being rejected... as if by doing so it will makes a bigger hole then the one I'm already trying to keep a board over and keep things and my real self hidden. Even though my real self shows through more then most think.
Oh just so you know I am stable now... or as stable as a single parent can be dealing with some medical issues and raising a beautiful vibrant hyper child who is my life and helps me live more and more every day. She is my life and has been since she was just a whisper. My next child will make this life all the more bright, colourful and beautiful, but right now that child is a dream that has yet to be whispered.
I'm rambling more then I should, but I'm thinking that this gives some of my close friends a bit of a glimpse into my head and maybe some understanding about some things...
I think this is enough rambling and baring my soul for now... I'll try to make the next journal entry soon hopefully not years from now. :P
Hang in there!