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semi-yearly personal rant
12 years ago
Hmm... more people have an interest in my life, this'll be weird if people actually read this, instead of just like 3 or 4 or so this time. Most of you can, and should probably just ignore this XD
I don't even know where to start this one. I guess my personal issues with being in relationships. I can't deal with the "obligations" of being in a relationship. As soon as a title is attached to whatever is going on, my brain tells me everything someone is doing for me is because they are obligated to, and not because they want to. And if a "they want to" escapes, it's because they are obligated to want to. It scares the crap out of me. It makes me uncomfortable. It makes me cringe at every little thing that is done for me. It terrifies me. I feel like everything they do becomes for me, about me. It causes all kind of issues, and I push them away. As much as a relationship would be neat, I feel like I'm happier single. It's weird, but it's somehow more stressful than anything to be in a relationship with someone?
I've somehow been made to feel bad that I'm not overtly sexual. A barrage of people telling me that because I don't have regular sex, I'm wrong. I'm just wrong. The media, the fandom, TV, non-fur friends. Everything always seems to boil down to sex. Conversations end up there far too often. I'm generally not afraid to answer questions asked of me about it, but I never advertise about it. I never just suddenly come out and be like "I AM DOING ADULT THINGS, EVERYBODY! ISN'T THAT SEXY?!?!?" I don't understand the need to do that. I somehow feel alone in thinking that stuff is supposed to be more private, and less jammed down your throat (wording used purposely lolol). I see people who aren't even 18 yet talking about sex and other adult stuff to such a high degree, that I feel like I've somehow wronged my past self? At that age, those thoughts were absolutely not anywhere to be found for me. Maybe I'm just a late bloomer? I'm that poor high school girl who didn't get her breasts until she was 16, when all the other girls were fully boobified at 13. Except instead of boobs, it was my sex drive that took forever.
Maybe I just have more control over my urges than most people? Maybe I don't have the urges that other people have? I don't know, but it bothers me. I don't understand flirting. At all. There were apparently like 6+ people hitting on me at FCN. I didn't know about this until I was told afterwards. And these were just the ones one friend observed. I mean, unless they are blatant about it, I'm just like "Oh neat! A nice person!". The flip side of that, I'm a nice person. I don't know how often people think I'm flirting with them, when I'm honestly just being a decent human being. I probably send mixed signals to a ton of people.
I've had multiple people ask me out. Most of which I only have friendship feelings for. I barely have any hints of anything more at best. I destroy those thoughts subconsciously before they can get out of control. I've come to the conclusion that for me, gender is pretty much completely irrelevant. I'm more about personality than anything. I barely care about looks. I only care about them in that there are a few body styles that can imply the personality I might like. I constantly find people asking me to rate people on their attractiveness, and I'm just like "uhh.... what? What is 'attractive'?" and then they put me down because I don't think the same way they do.
I can't look at someone and just go "I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH THAT!" ... how does that even happen? You don't know where that's been. You don't know if there's any diseases. If given the chance, would you? Would you actually tap that? If every person you saw in the public area came up to you and offered you sex, would you accept all the offers? Because you sure implied you would. I've been made to feel wrong that I don't want to sex everything.
How many people treat sex as the absolute number 1 in their life? Look how many images on FA have "THAT IS SEXY. I WANT TO SEX THAT!" types of comments. Is there a limit to how desperate you are? Have you just never had sex and thus you just lust after everything and everyone until you get it? Desperation is not an attractive trait to most. I see people who have entire galleries full of X rated commissions, and then I see them say "I can't wait until I actually get to have sex!" ... I'm just like "...whut? .... WHUT?!??". You flirt with them a bit, and they'll do anything for you. They just want attention. But somehow I've been made to feel wrong that I can think at a level that isn't "sexsexsexsex"
Truth is really important to me. I try to follow through with everything I say. I try to stick to plans. Yes, I know I'm not perfect at everything, but I feel like I'm better than most. I like being reliable. I like being dependable. If you ask me a question and I answer it, you have like a 95% chance that it is 100% accurate to the best of my knowledge. A lot of people don't believe me when I say things, and it kind of makes me sad, but truth is stranger than fiction.
I'd like to get better at art, but it's one of the few things I have 0 patience for. I just want the art to magically come out good. My brain is logic aligned. I don't work on the art side of things. Anything beyond doodles just frustrates me. I can't make the images in my head happen on paper. Maybe some day long in the future I'll have the patience for art thing, but not any time soon for sure.
If you ever want to put me in a bad mood, make fun of my food tastes. It's one of the fastest ways to kill my mood, and ruin my meal. It's not my fault things taste bad to me or feel bad in my mouth. I can't just magically enjoy things that make me want to vomit. If you point out me requesting certain things be not on my sandwich, or not having my burger cooked to your favored temperature, FUCK. YOU. seriously. just shut up. You won't change my mind, and all you do is ruin my mood and my meal. Let me enjoy the few food I can. Imagine that one food you don't like. Now imagine if 50% of everything you ate tasted like that one thing. That is my life. You quickly grow weary of EVERYTHING when every other thing you eat just tasted awful.
The short take home version of this is don't make me feel wrong for my personal choices and tastes. It destroys what little self confidence I have, and just make me slowly start despising you. This goes for absolutely everything.
I guess that's enough for now. There will be another one of these in 4, 5, 6 months or so when all my thoughts bottle up and need to come out again ^.^
I don't even know where to start this one. I guess my personal issues with being in relationships. I can't deal with the "obligations" of being in a relationship. As soon as a title is attached to whatever is going on, my brain tells me everything someone is doing for me is because they are obligated to, and not because they want to. And if a "they want to" escapes, it's because they are obligated to want to. It scares the crap out of me. It makes me uncomfortable. It makes me cringe at every little thing that is done for me. It terrifies me. I feel like everything they do becomes for me, about me. It causes all kind of issues, and I push them away. As much as a relationship would be neat, I feel like I'm happier single. It's weird, but it's somehow more stressful than anything to be in a relationship with someone?
I've somehow been made to feel bad that I'm not overtly sexual. A barrage of people telling me that because I don't have regular sex, I'm wrong. I'm just wrong. The media, the fandom, TV, non-fur friends. Everything always seems to boil down to sex. Conversations end up there far too often. I'm generally not afraid to answer questions asked of me about it, but I never advertise about it. I never just suddenly come out and be like "I AM DOING ADULT THINGS, EVERYBODY! ISN'T THAT SEXY?!?!?" I don't understand the need to do that. I somehow feel alone in thinking that stuff is supposed to be more private, and less jammed down your throat (wording used purposely lolol). I see people who aren't even 18 yet talking about sex and other adult stuff to such a high degree, that I feel like I've somehow wronged my past self? At that age, those thoughts were absolutely not anywhere to be found for me. Maybe I'm just a late bloomer? I'm that poor high school girl who didn't get her breasts until she was 16, when all the other girls were fully boobified at 13. Except instead of boobs, it was my sex drive that took forever.
Maybe I just have more control over my urges than most people? Maybe I don't have the urges that other people have? I don't know, but it bothers me. I don't understand flirting. At all. There were apparently like 6+ people hitting on me at FCN. I didn't know about this until I was told afterwards. And these were just the ones one friend observed. I mean, unless they are blatant about it, I'm just like "Oh neat! A nice person!". The flip side of that, I'm a nice person. I don't know how often people think I'm flirting with them, when I'm honestly just being a decent human being. I probably send mixed signals to a ton of people.
I've had multiple people ask me out. Most of which I only have friendship feelings for. I barely have any hints of anything more at best. I destroy those thoughts subconsciously before they can get out of control. I've come to the conclusion that for me, gender is pretty much completely irrelevant. I'm more about personality than anything. I barely care about looks. I only care about them in that there are a few body styles that can imply the personality I might like. I constantly find people asking me to rate people on their attractiveness, and I'm just like "uhh.... what? What is 'attractive'?" and then they put me down because I don't think the same way they do.
I can't look at someone and just go "I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH THAT!" ... how does that even happen? You don't know where that's been. You don't know if there's any diseases. If given the chance, would you? Would you actually tap that? If every person you saw in the public area came up to you and offered you sex, would you accept all the offers? Because you sure implied you would. I've been made to feel wrong that I don't want to sex everything.
How many people treat sex as the absolute number 1 in their life? Look how many images on FA have "THAT IS SEXY. I WANT TO SEX THAT!" types of comments. Is there a limit to how desperate you are? Have you just never had sex and thus you just lust after everything and everyone until you get it? Desperation is not an attractive trait to most. I see people who have entire galleries full of X rated commissions, and then I see them say "I can't wait until I actually get to have sex!" ... I'm just like "...whut? .... WHUT?!??". You flirt with them a bit, and they'll do anything for you. They just want attention. But somehow I've been made to feel wrong that I can think at a level that isn't "sexsexsexsex"
Truth is really important to me. I try to follow through with everything I say. I try to stick to plans. Yes, I know I'm not perfect at everything, but I feel like I'm better than most. I like being reliable. I like being dependable. If you ask me a question and I answer it, you have like a 95% chance that it is 100% accurate to the best of my knowledge. A lot of people don't believe me when I say things, and it kind of makes me sad, but truth is stranger than fiction.
I'd like to get better at art, but it's one of the few things I have 0 patience for. I just want the art to magically come out good. My brain is logic aligned. I don't work on the art side of things. Anything beyond doodles just frustrates me. I can't make the images in my head happen on paper. Maybe some day long in the future I'll have the patience for art thing, but not any time soon for sure.
If you ever want to put me in a bad mood, make fun of my food tastes. It's one of the fastest ways to kill my mood, and ruin my meal. It's not my fault things taste bad to me or feel bad in my mouth. I can't just magically enjoy things that make me want to vomit. If you point out me requesting certain things be not on my sandwich, or not having my burger cooked to your favored temperature, FUCK. YOU. seriously. just shut up. You won't change my mind, and all you do is ruin my mood and my meal. Let me enjoy the few food I can. Imagine that one food you don't like. Now imagine if 50% of everything you ate tasted like that one thing. That is my life. You quickly grow weary of EVERYTHING when every other thing you eat just tasted awful.
The short take home version of this is don't make me feel wrong for my personal choices and tastes. It destroys what little self confidence I have, and just make me slowly start despising you. This goes for absolutely everything.
I guess that's enough for now. There will be another one of these in 4, 5, 6 months or so when all my thoughts bottle up and need to come out again ^.^
Just be yourself. To hell with what others think! *hugs*
And fuck other people's opinions. No one thinks similarly.
I've always identified as Demi-sexual / Grey-A ( http://www.asexuality.org/wiki/inde.....tle=Demisexual) and am currently in the "asexual mode". It gives an interesting perspective that generally makes me think sex things are weird, gross, and limited.
Unfortunately the whole thing can cause a bunch of misundestandings =/
YOU MUST TELL ME YOUR SECRETS. Hell getting hit on would be interesting too, but people just talking to me period would be nice. ;_;
And bleh, I kinda feel ya there. People holding hands in public makes me feel awkward, let alone listening to people talk about stuff or being pressured to talk about my experiences (or lack thereof).
And Daxxy-dax has a nice point there. I also feel I'm demi-sexual. Hell, until college I was pretty much asexual. If you don't like sex being a main anything in your life, you don't have to make it be. If people make you feel bad about not wanting to fuck everything that moves, to hell with them. Only you know what's good for you/what you like, so try not to let other people influence or change what makes you, you. Cause that's just silly! (/hypocrite)