This morning at 5 a.m., my guinea pig Möhre died.
It was the most terrible thing that ever happened. I've lost 4 guinea pigs in the past 12 months, one of them, Lakritz, just about three weeks ago. But I could somehow live with it, because Möhre was there to comfort me every time. Now she's gone and my husband and me as well as Karamel and Habanero remain lonely. No one there to comfort us now.

Möhre may have been the one creature on earth I loved most, besides my husband. She was best friend. She was sister. She was daughter. She was baby. She was pure love. I would have done everything for her, but this morning, I just could do nothing at all. It happened so sudden and so fast. I was holding her helplessly. I don't know if she knew I was with her, because she did not see and did not hear any more. She was like in a coma.

I was having nightmares for the past 2 years or so. None of them was so frightening and horrific like reality.
If my husband was'nt there, I would lose the last drop of my will to live.

I tend to believe in God or something like this. I'm wondering what sin I must have committed to deserve all this shit. From day to day, I'm wondering: why me? What's the plan, if there is any? It's getting harder and harder to just go on. I'm just waiting for the day I have to bury my parents, since this may not be too long in the future, because they are both terminally ill. I do not hope so, since their diseases are incurable but not directly mortal. Life was never so hard as it is right now.


All this may cause an absence from art stuff, because I don't know if I will be able to do art at all in the next weeks or months. Some people use art to overcome their feelings, but this so far did not work for me. Maybe it will this time, who knows.

Thank you for reading.