awww, hope you don't leave the fandom dude, everybody has baggage and in a way it is what makes a person. imperfections make perfection.
Fuck what has happened in your past, its gone and cant be changed, leave the past in the past...

huggles

I try to but it always seems to come back and bite me in the ass...

your saying you feel bad about things you've done due to being depressed, but is leaving the fandom you or the depression talking?

This fandom is one of the most receptive and understanding groups I've found, and I hope you reconsider leaving as you can likely find someone who brings you out of your pit

I have no idea who is talking anymore, maybe I am my depression, but I have to say ever since joining the fandom my depression has only increased, now I cant blame the fandom for that as the same thing might of happened if I didn't join but I have been put into horrible situations and hurt a lot of people because of it, I have had a lot of people mess with my heart and I have fucked up a lot of relationships up because I cant trust them.

Yes the fandom is full of nice people and its one of the most understanding groups I have been in, but there is also a lot of elitism in the fandom and I'm worried its turning into a cult, it feels like it has lost sight of its true purpose and just turned into a massive popularity contest.

And as for finding someone, well I always just ruin that, you can ask anyone who knows me....

I don't know what happened, but I imagine if I keep going with my goal of being more social around here I'll eventually end up with some unpleasant memories too. That doesn't change the fact that starting last month I'm tired of watching quietly.

Everyone has their baggage. Some of the few people here that I already consider friends, and that I know consider me one in turn after just a couple weeks, or even just days of chatting have opened their cases and shown a few things to me, and I've done the same in turn. There's really no reason we had to, but I think no less of them or myself for it.

And everyone feels alone like that sometimes. I was more miserable in my loneliness and depression than I can ever remember a couple weeks ago after I started writing. I put myself into it, and in return I suffered greatly and ended up dependent on it just to ease the pain for a while.

I find new people to chat with nearly every week. I even found one who wanted to exchange details on stories and discuss where each of us is going with ours. I got on skype last Sunday in the late evening and didn't get off until well into early morning because I was unexpectedly led into my first RP. Which happened to be in a group skype chat, so I've been gaining new contacts left and right as I meet people in there.

I'm beginning to wonder where I'm going with all this myself. Leave if you truly want to, but stay if you don't. I didn't know where to start getting to know people here just a few weeks ago. I've always had trouble with that, but I've managed to get past it lately. Sometimes all my commenting and so on the last couple of weeks seemed fruitless and pointless, but it hasn't been. I've gotten more responses than I expected to, and someone with whom I discussed making a skype account 10 months ago was willing to add me when I finally did; then bring me into that RP group chat a couple weeks later.

I don't think letting go of this will help, but what do I know? I have my own baggage, and some of that is from letting go when I shouldn't have. I'm not sure if any of that is helpful or if all that personal jabber is offensive to anyone, but there it is. This took me way longer to write than I thought it would, and I apologize if it doesn't make any or just seems pointless. I hope you find someone or something that makes it all feel worthwhile; like I have, and continue to.

I appreciate you taking the time to write all that as I don't know you that well, and you are right of growing dependent on it, I just wish I could break the cycle, but when I do meet people I hardly hear from them again, and the ones I am close with have to put up with all my whining and selfish behavior.

My need to write has been waning for the last two weeks. I have to make myself get stories done now. I'm also spending less time prowling FA this week thanks the sudden influx of people to chat with from that RP group. I think I'll be able to ease off of it all when I do get a summer job, but I have no intention of quitting cold turkey; unless I really want to start writing feverishly again. My laptop could be taken and I fear I'd still grab and pen and paper and just write.

There are people in my contacts list on skype that I haven't chatted much with since I added them, but there are others that will often give a response or two at least and straight-out tell me when they're busy sometimes. I know the small few that always respond constantly when they're on get an earful sometimes x3

So far I typically initiate conversation, but I always jump on a conversation initiated by someone else. Well, almost always. I at least respond quickly and greet them before I let them know if I'm neck-deep in other conversations or an RP or two. (I really can't believe that I'm already to the point where that happens, but it does once in a while)

I try not to spill all sorts of random stuff for people on skype, but it happens sometimes. Everyone I've done it to so far has put up with it well, or just ignored those particular messages. I don't mind when people do it to me; it makes me feel like I'm not the only one trying to keep a conversation going sometimes. It's also an indication to me that they feel they can trust me with some of their troubles, and I find that touching. I often can't do much more than offer comfort, but I've always been good at listening.

Please ignore the two hidden comments: they are exactly the same as the one I just posted. FA slowed down on me, and I tried stopping the page refresh and hitting post again twice. I didn't think all three would go through.

If you seriously think leaving will help you then do so, though it will be sad to see you leave. But as others had said already, is that really going to be the case? Do you honestly think it will help or is that the depression talking? If you enjoy your time here there's no point leaving!!

Fursona wise, if you wanted to change to get a new design/backstory that would be fine. But I think changing just to remove excess baggage is perhaps not the healthiest thing to do...

I honestly don't know anymore, I don't want to leave but I feel like I have to because of everything I have done, I mean I lost you as my furry sister I think that was the final blow for me...

Like I said before, my not wanting a furry family is a completely separate matter in that I just didn't think it was something I personally really wanted.

So. to get to the point:

Fursonas: I've been in the position of wanting to change my fursona to hide/loose baggage three times. The reason I didn't each time is I've become so attached to Ember -because- she's been through so much shit with me. It makes us even more alike I guess.
If you want to change your fursona however, make your character unique to you, have a fresh start, we'll be here to support you and even help you through that process.

Fandom: I've been about for a long while, after all you were my first introduction into this crazy sub-culture. And I tend to find that a lot of people never really leave the subculture, just the community that surrounds it. Personally, I feel that the fandom has been supporting you, as you have been supporting people in the fandom. Everyone has their troubles here, and even if they are difficult to see past sometimes, you'll never be alone. You do have some good friends.

Furmeets: I can't overly relate to this one as I was either the one running the meet, or one of the few females there. So desperate furs would be all over me even though I -wanted- to be left alone. I think the key to this one is trying to get involved with a few people maybe, instead of the whole group. A quote I saw once comes to mind:

"Crowds make me feel lonely... Until I try to guess which one of them is feeling the same way."

Whatever you decide to do in the end, there are people who will support your choice. Stay strong. And sorry for the book-post.

You are right ember, you always know the right things to say, it really means a lot to me knowing I still have people like you all in my life, thankyou everyone, im sorry I got this way again, im just in a bad place at the moment but I will be staying with the fandom, I have some great friends here "hugs you all"