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No good news for me after all; only bad news and worse news
12 years ago
General
I had wanted to share some happy news, but the expected good news went bad very quickly in the last two days.
I was planning to return to school to restart my Master's degree in the Autumn and get a fresh start on a career change. I intended to pay for this using a combination of scholarships, academic loans, and an assistantship within the department that would have granted me large tuition breaks and a stipend.
Unfortunately, it hasn't worked out that way. I was awarded one scholarship by the school, but was unable to secure more from any sources I investigated. As for the assistantship, I was given the impression by the Program Director that I was a shoo-in, but it turns out that I was not even considered for either of the positions for which I applied. That leaves loans - and considering the expense of attending this school, plus living expenses, the amount I would need to borrow in the absence of large scholarships and tuition breaks is dangerously high and would put me in a very precarious position both during my education and afterwards; I cannot safely borrow that much money or I risk being unable to service the debt when I graduate. Considering that I'm already dealing with debt issues now because of a LENGTHY period of partial employment, this qualifies as an Incredibly Stupid Idea.
So, despite spending most of the last 2 months working on this and expecting to return to school in the Autumn to start over, it all came crashing down this week when I was informed that I would not receive any real financial aid. It is impossible to see this through.
I had planned to move to a new apartment before June 1st, but now I have to cancel that and may lose my deposit.
I am running out of ideas. This was already Plan C, and I didn't have a Plan D. The amount of money that I now owe is staggering and I am in very real danger of defaulting.
I am waiting to hear back on a couple of short-term Summer jobs, but I am not getting my hopes up, and in any case, they will not solve the larger problem. My only option at this point is to restart my full-time job hunt and try to land another position as an IT Director, which is a job I thoroughly dislike, but it seems I am locked in that prison for the foreseeable future. And this assumes that I can even find work with my dated skill sets and a work history that has a hole large enough to drive a truck through. The economy has improved marginally, so perhaps I'll have better luck this time.
On the heels of utterly devastating personal problems around the beginning of the year, mounting debt during the Winter, and now a false start with graduate school, I have been pretty thoroughly ground into dust.
I am in trouble. I don't find myself smiling very much these days.
I was planning to return to school to restart my Master's degree in the Autumn and get a fresh start on a career change. I intended to pay for this using a combination of scholarships, academic loans, and an assistantship within the department that would have granted me large tuition breaks and a stipend.
Unfortunately, it hasn't worked out that way. I was awarded one scholarship by the school, but was unable to secure more from any sources I investigated. As for the assistantship, I was given the impression by the Program Director that I was a shoo-in, but it turns out that I was not even considered for either of the positions for which I applied. That leaves loans - and considering the expense of attending this school, plus living expenses, the amount I would need to borrow in the absence of large scholarships and tuition breaks is dangerously high and would put me in a very precarious position both during my education and afterwards; I cannot safely borrow that much money or I risk being unable to service the debt when I graduate. Considering that I'm already dealing with debt issues now because of a LENGTHY period of partial employment, this qualifies as an Incredibly Stupid Idea.
So, despite spending most of the last 2 months working on this and expecting to return to school in the Autumn to start over, it all came crashing down this week when I was informed that I would not receive any real financial aid. It is impossible to see this through.
I had planned to move to a new apartment before June 1st, but now I have to cancel that and may lose my deposit.
I am running out of ideas. This was already Plan C, and I didn't have a Plan D. The amount of money that I now owe is staggering and I am in very real danger of defaulting.
I am waiting to hear back on a couple of short-term Summer jobs, but I am not getting my hopes up, and in any case, they will not solve the larger problem. My only option at this point is to restart my full-time job hunt and try to land another position as an IT Director, which is a job I thoroughly dislike, but it seems I am locked in that prison for the foreseeable future. And this assumes that I can even find work with my dated skill sets and a work history that has a hole large enough to drive a truck through. The economy has improved marginally, so perhaps I'll have better luck this time.
On the heels of utterly devastating personal problems around the beginning of the year, mounting debt during the Winter, and now a false start with graduate school, I have been pretty thoroughly ground into dust.
I am in trouble. I don't find myself smiling very much these days.
Thanks for your concern!
I will be rooting for you, mister Bear!
Somehow I have this image of you cheerleading from the sidelines, now... *shudder* :)
Thanks for your support!
You're always a source of enormous help. ;-p
I have faith in you, sir! You'll come out on top of all this... it's just going to take a little more time than you originally though.
Thanks for your support. See you in July - or at least I expect to!
That's how I got my second Masters' and how I'm getting my PhD.
What I had planned to do was pursue this degree in Human-Computer Interaction and use that as a gateway to more creative work, since it involves at least some level of 2D design, animation, interface artistry, and so on. I worked for a good while for a small game studio as their Creative Director and thought it was vastly more fun than what I've done for most of my career, which is Network Administration/IT Management; that really just involves sitting in a lot of meetings and fixing broken equipment in isolated, heavily air-conditioned rooms, and it's long since grown stale, to put it charitably.
I'm doing my best to find a good way to make a transition, but IT work is so far removed from everything else that I find interesting, it's quite a leap. I wound up in this field somewhat accidentally, and going into computers was probably my biggest mistake ever - and one I've been trying unsuccessfully to correct for 15 years. I'm very good at IT, and very bad at getting into something else, it seems. It would probably be easier if I were bad at my job. :P
I do keep looking and trying to find a way. This program I am now abandoning is available partly online, so even if I end up moving out of the area for work, I may be able to pursue it at a slower pace in my off hours - though that's the other problem, as my experience in this field has been almost universally one of endless, unpaid overtime, and there is often little opportunity for side pursuits. Hence my description of it as "prison."
I don't know what the answer is, but I do keep searching for it. It's a very deeply entrenched problem.
Thank you for your support. I've been following your PhD progress, of course, but I didn't realize you were doing it through distance learning. Something to keep in mind should I need just a bit more inspiration to pursue an advanced degree!
BUT... it paid a decent price for my soul. I took advantage of the good income and set up retirement programs, then when they downsized me I was able to retire early. Went back for a Masters' in Anthropology and am getting my PhD in Information Science, and am not doing it on student loans -- that's the income from my years working in computers.
You're never too old to be someone new. Now, I'm not pressured to get a job in my field. I can enjoy being freelance, and taking (or not taking) projects as they come up. If I'd gotten that Masters' in Anthropology 15 years ago, I can tell you that there were almost no jobs for men with no publications or experience and that there were zero jobs for women. I'd have been flipping burgers.
We don't always get what we want, but sometimes what we get works out.
In any case, don't give up and do look into online schools. Sounds like you're after an Engineering degree, and I can tell you that those are very brutal (math, physics, materials, and they're very picky about who they keep. My son couldn't manage the degree program and went back to computers -- others I know have the same problems.)
At my prior IT Director job, despite not being thrilled there, my plan was to stay for about 5 years to save up massive tuition money and then just throw myself into school full-time when I had enough of a nest egg. (I was hoping to study animation at the time.)
We'll see if the old plan still seems viable, or if something better appears on the horizon. I'll keep at it.
I'm doing some work I don't like, just to make ends meet.
I'm hoping I'll get a decent job and things will turn around, but until it happens, I can't count on it.
Thank you for all of your support. It really means a lot. I'll keep trying.
In a rather twisted sense, I may be mentally better off now because I know I really have no choice; encroaching feelings of desperation have a rather effective way of focusing one's vision better than any lens.
I hope we can chat sometime about more cheerful things! I'm sure better days lie ahead.
While I'm not happy about your current situation, I am very glad to see you are still posting; keeping contact with us [your friends] is going to help alleviate some of the negative self destructive mental behaviors that seem to come about when the times are tough.
While it might not be the most wanted or preferred choice of action, maybe the "secure" way you were referring to- re-entering the work force with your prior employment- might be the best way to stave off some of the immediate stresses concerning the finances, and there for the living expenses. During which time, you are free to pursue other job hunts and savings/scholarships for your return in education.
That being said maybe it will also lend you a happy engagement; perhaps a new place of employment will be a different environment that will lend a different perspective to a once gloomy situation... I've worked in studios that have nearly made me feel that I want to leave my industry, and others that make me feel as if I'm barely working at all.
My bottom line tends to be very simple, yet obviously "shallow" to many; keep optimist. It's easier to get through hardships if one merely believes that it isn't' as bad, or that things will get better. We all live in cycles... and it is inevitable that a good day follows a bad day, simply because by comparison alone, a neutral day will seem better than a horrible one.
I've gone through so many detours that unfortunately I have no idea where I am; the Master's was itself several detours removed from my original plans. Going back to basics is not only necessary, it may just be the best idea. At this point, I'm floundering, and feel like I know nothing - thus it's probably best to return to what I know and get my bearings before I decide how to go forward again.
The source of my negativity about my profession is deeply rooted. It's possible I've simply had bad luck and worked in truly terrible environments, but it has been a long time since I've had an IT job that I felt was viable in the long-term, which is why I've long held serious doubts about my suitability for this line of work. At my prior job, they fired the CFO (my supervisor) after my very premature departure, and at the preceding job, the CEO was the one who was fired by the owner for being such a pain in the neck. Regardless of how that impacted me directly, firing C-level executives for a combination of incompetence and bad attitudes is the mark of a pretty dysfunctional organization.
After all of this nonsense, it's become fairly clear that I need to push back harder. I avoid being expressly assertive - not because I'm not assertive (I am) but because I sometimes let my patience stretch just a bit too far; I need to change the way I approach these problems should I encounter them again. And I have no doubt that I will, given that IT touches every corner of organizations now from top to bottom; we see ALL the problems, and almost as a matter of course, end up involved.
When you get down to it, I believe the problem is me. Fixing other people's problems is not what I should be doing. I firmly believe that the solution lies in creation and invention, and until I make my way down that road, I will remain forever unsatisfied. Looks like it will take a bit more time to get there. May I find an uplifting group to work with in the interim!
You know, maybe you can help by baking cookies! ^__^ ...actually, don't. I've been overeating as it is and I'd better not stumble any farther down the path of becoming more bearish!
every cloud has a silver lining
you are a great guy :D heck you're one of the people that makes me comfortable when the first time i came here :D
your generosity will lead you to another better place
it just takes time and a little patience :D
as i said again, don't give up
and don't forget to keep smiling ^_____^
i wish i can do more than just saying some lengthy words here
if you have Skype, please add mine "saturnboy77"
we can talk there ^ ^
i will be rooting for you :D
please dont feel sad... im sure theres another opportunity lies ahead
hm... maybe this song may cheer you up a bit ^ ^
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HkY_BksDUxo
its one of those cheer-up songs that could probably elevates you and make you smile a bit :D
the lyrics are the main point I'm trying to express to you right now :D
don't give up and everything's gonna be okay ^ ^
I am already making progress on my search for new work, so I am hopeful that something will pop up before too long. I will keep trying, and I look forward to posting some good news eventually. Hopefully things will not get too bad before then.
I think I already have you on Skype, but I have not been online very much for a while now. I look forward to talking with you there sometime soon. Cute song, too. ^__^
Be proud of that at least.
Things are still not good, but just might be on the verge of turning around. In the meantime, I am now late with my rent this month. Ugh... I am doing my best to get back on track.
And thank you for taking the time to comment; I appreciate the kind words.
It wasn't clear to me, but do you have previous student loan debt? I assumed you did since you mentioned being at risk for default. If you've looked into every option, disregard my suggestions, but in case you haven't, have you looked into IBR (Income Based Repayment)? If you have federal loans, you can pay based on a ratio of your yearly income to student loan debt, which I believe doesn't exceed 10% of your yearly income. For me, my ratio is so out of whack that I pay $0 a month. It's not ideal, but it's much better for your credit than defaulting, and it's a way to pay less while still fulfilling your repayment obligation.
Unfortunately, my existing debt is not student loans; I was fortunate to make it through school the first time with zero debt. What I'm shouldering now is other debt that's a heck of a lot less flexible, and it's been a fun little game shuffling payments around to make sure I hit my minimums every month while still paying rent, keeping gas in my tank, and buying groceries. I feel like I'm working on one of those shifting tile puzzles, but never quite get the picture to come out right. :P
I think things will be all right by the end of this month and I can breathe a bit easier. New work will hopefully be in the offing sometime by mid-Summer, which will finally give me the means to solve the problem once and for all. Without going into detail, I spent a great deal of money pursuing work opportunities that were contingent upon a personal situation, which was tantamount to a gamble. Unfortunately, I lost, and I am now paying the price for it (literally). Ordinarily I am careful with my spending and never go beyond my means, but this was something I felt was important enough to take the risk on. C'est la vie.
I am still putting cash aside so I can make my trip to AC as planned. Despite convention-going being a luxury, it's one of very few avenues I have for seeing friends these days, so skipping it would probably be ill-advised and would only save me a few hundred dollars, in any case. Even so, this is why I have not accepted any of my friends' offers of help - how would it look if I took people's money and then went to a con? :P
Thanks again for offering suggestions. I am sure that brighter days lie ahead, and I'll get there.