Recent conversations and events have lead me down a train of thought that I have found most engulfing and after watching the latest Code Geass R series it just came to a conclusion of sorts that feels as if it is riddled with questions...

I have always believe that life is not worth living if you do not have something that is worth dying for, yet in recent times I have found myself engaged in a feudal attempt to keep both my future and my failed past alive simultaneously, that I would not have to let go but yet still move on but that very thing is what is killing me inside, the conflict that I made to end that very same conflict (that will twist your brain for a while).

I keep trying to hold on to a past in which I failed in nearly every way possible and went across the country to start over, only to return a year later and start literally from scratch and now I am sitting in the result of that new life, but I still want the old one. Why the hell is that for? That has been the question, but tonight after years of asking I finally know.
I didn't want to admit defeat.... I know that I lost but I didn't want to acknowledge that I had failed in my mission so I made up my own reality but no more.

The past sucks when you take away the blinders of shadow and replace it with the harsh light of truth. But only when you clean the wound completely will it begin to heal....
If you are having this problem take it from me right now, just face it and be done, there is nothing to be gained from saving a sinking ship, even if your life is aboard it all things can be replaced, even people.