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Back home, thinking about poly (too much)
12 years ago
Back from driving through Alaska/Canada/Idaho with 
thetakogun. He's off now to the rest of his trip down to Arizona. I miss him so much already... =(
I want to say something else here, but I just... can't find a good way to express it, I guess. Part of it is because I've always really tried to keep from complaining and saying sad or particularly emotional things from my journals. I mean, if I have something to say, I can say it directly to my friends. Putting it up here just feels odd, and... attention-seeking. But I don't think that when reading many other furs' journals along the same line, I just think they're venting. It's just hard not to see that in my own writing.
I dunno. Suffice to say, I miss being with my loved ones. I'm still afraid of my decision that I am poly, and still uncertain of it. It also comes with an immense palette of new responsibilities.
Concerns.
My life's direction.
Will I look back on myself and laugh at this "phase" when I'm older? Will I get stuck in this lifestyle, and regret going this path? Am I poly just because I so well fit the anxious-preoccupied model of attachment?
Logistics.
Is this something I tell my family? The ones who become very close to me I still want to introduce to my family... it's going to be hard to hide the fact if I'm introducing multiple people to them, but still telling them, "No, I didn't break up with LastPerson."
And what about being near my loved ones? They're currently somewhat spread around the country... is it always going to be like that? I can only afford and find time to visit them so often, and that's without the commitment of a job.
Love.
There's only one person in my life right now whom I truly love as more than a friend, and it's because I was able to let things grow with him. I do not believe love diminishes with multiple people, but available time does diminish, and the less time you can spend with someone, the longer it takes for those deeper bonds to form. Is that what I'm stuck with now? A group of people whom I care for but may never truly love simply because I don't have the time, money, energy, etc. to commit to them long enough to fall in love?
Jealousy.
Jealousy is odd for me. In a committed relationship where someone is nearby, compersion is easy for me. I love to see a mutual friend and a lover get along. But when I don't even know the person? Well, it gets exponentially more difficult. And I probably can't simply know all of them.
Differing standards.
Related to jealousy... I generally am only intimate with people when I truly care for them, at least as more than just a friend. My friend with benefits is far emotionally closer to me than most other people I call friends, though many of my friends could easily be closer than they are, as well. But some of the people I care for really do simply have sex with friends. Some have sex with strangers. And while that doesn't change the fact that I care for these people, it makes me... very, very uncomfortable. I don't know what, if anything, to do about that.
STDs and STIs.
Yes, this is a real concern. Love and sex are wonderful, but they both come with risks. Love's concerns may be handled with emotional maturity, and there's at least a certain beauty in heartbreak and strife that mitigates the pain, I believe.
But the ramifications of sex are much less pretty and graceful, and handling them is all about responsibility and the capabilities of medicine. And being poly means I'm significantly more at risk for those ramifications, no matter how careful I am. I could go further into this, but I won't.
They're all things in my head right now. Really though, at the moment, I guess I'm just lonely. All the people in my life, reaching out and connecting to me at various moments, sometimes briefly, sometimes longer, but sometimes I worry that it will never be enough.
thetakogun. He's off now to the rest of his trip down to Arizona. I miss him so much already... =(I want to say something else here, but I just... can't find a good way to express it, I guess. Part of it is because I've always really tried to keep from complaining and saying sad or particularly emotional things from my journals. I mean, if I have something to say, I can say it directly to my friends. Putting it up here just feels odd, and... attention-seeking. But I don't think that when reading many other furs' journals along the same line, I just think they're venting. It's just hard not to see that in my own writing.
I dunno. Suffice to say, I miss being with my loved ones. I'm still afraid of my decision that I am poly, and still uncertain of it. It also comes with an immense palette of new responsibilities.
Concerns.
My life's direction.
Will I look back on myself and laugh at this "phase" when I'm older? Will I get stuck in this lifestyle, and regret going this path? Am I poly just because I so well fit the anxious-preoccupied model of attachment?
Logistics.
Is this something I tell my family? The ones who become very close to me I still want to introduce to my family... it's going to be hard to hide the fact if I'm introducing multiple people to them, but still telling them, "No, I didn't break up with LastPerson."
And what about being near my loved ones? They're currently somewhat spread around the country... is it always going to be like that? I can only afford and find time to visit them so often, and that's without the commitment of a job.
Love.
There's only one person in my life right now whom I truly love as more than a friend, and it's because I was able to let things grow with him. I do not believe love diminishes with multiple people, but available time does diminish, and the less time you can spend with someone, the longer it takes for those deeper bonds to form. Is that what I'm stuck with now? A group of people whom I care for but may never truly love simply because I don't have the time, money, energy, etc. to commit to them long enough to fall in love?
Jealousy.
Jealousy is odd for me. In a committed relationship where someone is nearby, compersion is easy for me. I love to see a mutual friend and a lover get along. But when I don't even know the person? Well, it gets exponentially more difficult. And I probably can't simply know all of them.
Differing standards.
Related to jealousy... I generally am only intimate with people when I truly care for them, at least as more than just a friend. My friend with benefits is far emotionally closer to me than most other people I call friends, though many of my friends could easily be closer than they are, as well. But some of the people I care for really do simply have sex with friends. Some have sex with strangers. And while that doesn't change the fact that I care for these people, it makes me... very, very uncomfortable. I don't know what, if anything, to do about that.
STDs and STIs.
Yes, this is a real concern. Love and sex are wonderful, but they both come with risks. Love's concerns may be handled with emotional maturity, and there's at least a certain beauty in heartbreak and strife that mitigates the pain, I believe.
But the ramifications of sex are much less pretty and graceful, and handling them is all about responsibility and the capabilities of medicine. And being poly means I'm significantly more at risk for those ramifications, no matter how careful I am. I could go further into this, but I won't.
They're all things in my head right now. Really though, at the moment, I guess I'm just lonely. All the people in my life, reaching out and connecting to me at various moments, sometimes briefly, sometimes longer, but sometimes I worry that it will never be enough.
Personally, that sort of thing doesn't help me deal with it. For example, I view jealousy as nothing more than an evolutionary relic intended to make sure my genes get passed on... but that doesn't really make it go away for me. I know to not take it seriously, and it's not a major issue so far -- again, simply knowing the person does wonders for turning jealousy into compersion -- but until then, it can be difficult to deal with.
Wyndsong/Tilo pointed me to your journal and thought I could give you a little help and support in this matter.
My partner of seven and a half years and I have been sexually open since we started dating and have been polyamorous for around five years now. A lot of what you’re struggling with sounds familiar.
Since I don’t know you that well (really much at all), I’m going to refrain from jumping into a full blown advice-point style post, but I want you to know that if you need someone to talk to and be a sounding board, I can listen and talk if you’d like.
I also have a veritable shopping list of books if you’re interested :3
Hehe, the moment I saw your username I was like, "Wynd's friend!" :3 I didn't know you were in such a relationship. I would absolutely love to talk to more people knowledgeable about this sort of thing, especially for so long... of the poly people I know, I'm fairly certain you hold the record for longest investment in the lifestyle.
I really, really appreciate it. ♥ And tell Wynd thank you if you see her before I do.
Would IM be easiest/acceptable? E-mail? FA notes?
If you don't I can... note you my email I suppose. SInce FA notes are still kind of brutal.