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A small change in organization and other thoughts
12 years ago
I'm writing this message to thank everyone kind enough to dedicate me some wonderful art and the talented artists who drew it. A special thanks to ben300 for some astounding photomanipulations he tried and I unfortunately cannot post, as real nudity breaches FA's code of conduct (or so I think).
To better organize my gallery and separate the things I drew myself from the work of other artists, from now on I will showcase other's art in my main gallery for a week, then move it into scraps. This is not to belittle a work which is far better than my own, just to keep them better organized. They are always there. And thank you.
This was the "important" part. Now I'm going to write a bit about myself, read on if you are curious or if you want to get to know me better, but it's by no means important. Writing my troubles down has always been an useful exercise to sort out my mind, I used to do it on LJ but I haven't used it in years.
Some of you might have noticed I recently had my birthday and I subsequentely became, almost immediately, much more silent, colder and distant. I apologize for that and I will try to be a better friend. The truth is, hitting this important deadline, the change of a decade, made me think... long and hard, more than I should have. I realize I'm not all that young anymore and, as in now, I'm living an unsatisfactory, hopeless life.
I have been unemployed for almost two years. The reasons are several, and I'm not completely without blame, as I have been trying to pursue dreams and move out of Italy. Then a combination of global economics, earthquakes, and god knows what else, and I am still unemployed. I have an university degree in computer science, I speak good english and yet I am ready and willing to do any job, with any pay. Even scrubbing down pigs and cleaning septic tanks.
When you are 30 and you feel this... useless, living out of the kindness of your parents, you really feel less of a man. This may explain what appears to be unsavory greed, as I cannot spend for anything superfluous. I'm not poor, not yet, but I don't feel safe spending any money until I have a source of income.
I have forfeited every unnecessary expenses, inculding anything that could bring me pleasure. Trips, gadgets, clothes, fursuits... and art, are all in this category. The few time I visit my friends I try to do it in economy, with great shame. And here, on FA, I have a really complicated life. I envy immensely anyone else getting art, yet I'm too ashamed to ask for some of my own. And while I can draw, I feel blocked and inferior to real artists, so I do not even bother. And, just to be clear, if you have a fursuit you have my undivided envy...
My parents are divorcing right now, and I'm being dragged in a whirlwhind of nonsense and lawyer stuff. I feel tremendously ashamed and guilty, at this age I should be supporting them, not the other way around. I pay my own bills, but one part insists I ask to be recognized "unable to fend for myself" in order to get the other parent to maintain me to some extent. It's degrading, disgusting and very, very stressful.
I don't know. This is not my fault, but maybe, partially, it is. If only I worked! It's this accursed unemployment, preventing me from doing anything. I'm slave to the few savings I have but cannot even dare to touch, as I have to save them for a rainy day, even if now it's pouring.
This is it. Complicated, messy, tempestous mess. It feels nice to write it down sometimes, and reading back makes me realize I'm not completely irrational, just deeply sad.
All of this with a big thank you for putting up with me, and a promise to get better. Return enjoyable, productive, chatty and drawing again. I'll do my best, I really want that.
To better organize my gallery and separate the things I drew myself from the work of other artists, from now on I will showcase other's art in my main gallery for a week, then move it into scraps. This is not to belittle a work which is far better than my own, just to keep them better organized. They are always there. And thank you.
This was the "important" part. Now I'm going to write a bit about myself, read on if you are curious or if you want to get to know me better, but it's by no means important. Writing my troubles down has always been an useful exercise to sort out my mind, I used to do it on LJ but I haven't used it in years.
Some of you might have noticed I recently had my birthday and I subsequentely became, almost immediately, much more silent, colder and distant. I apologize for that and I will try to be a better friend. The truth is, hitting this important deadline, the change of a decade, made me think... long and hard, more than I should have. I realize I'm not all that young anymore and, as in now, I'm living an unsatisfactory, hopeless life.
I have been unemployed for almost two years. The reasons are several, and I'm not completely without blame, as I have been trying to pursue dreams and move out of Italy. Then a combination of global economics, earthquakes, and god knows what else, and I am still unemployed. I have an university degree in computer science, I speak good english and yet I am ready and willing to do any job, with any pay. Even scrubbing down pigs and cleaning septic tanks.
When you are 30 and you feel this... useless, living out of the kindness of your parents, you really feel less of a man. This may explain what appears to be unsavory greed, as I cannot spend for anything superfluous. I'm not poor, not yet, but I don't feel safe spending any money until I have a source of income.
I have forfeited every unnecessary expenses, inculding anything that could bring me pleasure. Trips, gadgets, clothes, fursuits... and art, are all in this category. The few time I visit my friends I try to do it in economy, with great shame. And here, on FA, I have a really complicated life. I envy immensely anyone else getting art, yet I'm too ashamed to ask for some of my own. And while I can draw, I feel blocked and inferior to real artists, so I do not even bother. And, just to be clear, if you have a fursuit you have my undivided envy...
My parents are divorcing right now, and I'm being dragged in a whirlwhind of nonsense and lawyer stuff. I feel tremendously ashamed and guilty, at this age I should be supporting them, not the other way around. I pay my own bills, but one part insists I ask to be recognized "unable to fend for myself" in order to get the other parent to maintain me to some extent. It's degrading, disgusting and very, very stressful.
I don't know. This is not my fault, but maybe, partially, it is. If only I worked! It's this accursed unemployment, preventing me from doing anything. I'm slave to the few savings I have but cannot even dare to touch, as I have to save them for a rainy day, even if now it's pouring.
This is it. Complicated, messy, tempestous mess. It feels nice to write it down sometimes, and reading back makes me realize I'm not completely irrational, just deeply sad.
All of this with a big thank you for putting up with me, and a promise to get better. Return enjoyable, productive, chatty and drawing again. I'll do my best, I really want that.
Ciao dragotto, ci vediamo presto