FA+
Shop
The Animal Within page 1.
12 years ago
"Mikhal! Hurry up, the movie is gonna start before we get our seats!" Mikhal Andersen sighs and takes off his helmet, hooking it onto the handle bars of his dark green Ducati Monster. "Jeez, Ashe. I got us here ten minutes early, what else do you want me to do?" Alice Makker, known to her friends as Ashe, runs to the ticket booth, breathlessly asking the young teenager behind the window if there were any seats left. Mikhal jogs up to the window, pulling a twenty out of his wallet and paying for their tickets. "Aren't these movies just dreamy, Mik? I love romances..." Mikhal sighs again and puts his arm around her waist. "If you like them, I like them." Ashe laughs and lightly punches his shoulder. "Yeah right, you know I know you better than that. Thanks anyway", she says, still giggling slightly.
"How'd you find me out?!", Mikhal says with a deep laugh of his own. "Is it really that obvious?"
"Yes, but I love ya anyway. We should get to our seats, before we lose them again", she says with a smirk.
"Hey, that happened one time! Plus, we did almost get squashed. I'm still getting rocks out of my exaust pipes from that night you absolutely had to get to that midnight premiere", he says, walking her down the long hallway of the multiplex.
"I know, I know, I'm just teasing you. You know how much I appreciate your driving skills. Even if you do scare the everloving crap out of me on occasion", she says, brushing her lips across his cheek. "Besides, that wasn't my fault. You're the one who decided to take that back road you called a 'Shortcut'."
"Yes, but I wouldn't have taken it had you not been trying to shatter my helmet telling me how we were gonna be late if we didn't start hauling it. Plus, need I remind you again, I wouldn't have gone through that bush and crashed on that old man's driveway had you not been messing around putting your hands around in front of my eyes so I couldn't see a dang thing."
"Oh please, you know you coulda stayed on the road if you wanted to. You can't fool me, remember?
It's my job as the obsessive female to learn everything about my guy."
"God, Ashe..." Mikhal says laughingly. "You've been watching too many romance movies. Besides, it's hard to drive with your arms around my neck. You're distracting enough, without even trying. Ah, here's our movie."
"Well then, mister distracted driver. Let's go get me some new material." She laughs and kisses him again, then arm in arm the couple walks toward the dark entrance of the showing room.
Comment please! I'd love everyone's honest opinion on my work.
"How'd you find me out?!", Mikhal says with a deep laugh of his own. "Is it really that obvious?"
"Yes, but I love ya anyway. We should get to our seats, before we lose them again", she says with a smirk.
"Hey, that happened one time! Plus, we did almost get squashed. I'm still getting rocks out of my exaust pipes from that night you absolutely had to get to that midnight premiere", he says, walking her down the long hallway of the multiplex.
"I know, I know, I'm just teasing you. You know how much I appreciate your driving skills. Even if you do scare the everloving crap out of me on occasion", she says, brushing her lips across his cheek. "Besides, that wasn't my fault. You're the one who decided to take that back road you called a 'Shortcut'."
"Yes, but I wouldn't have taken it had you not been trying to shatter my helmet telling me how we were gonna be late if we didn't start hauling it. Plus, need I remind you again, I wouldn't have gone through that bush and crashed on that old man's driveway had you not been messing around putting your hands around in front of my eyes so I couldn't see a dang thing."
"Oh please, you know you coulda stayed on the road if you wanted to. You can't fool me, remember?
It's my job as the obsessive female to learn everything about my guy."
"God, Ashe..." Mikhal says laughingly. "You've been watching too many romance movies. Besides, it's hard to drive with your arms around my neck. You're distracting enough, without even trying. Ah, here's our movie."
"Well then, mister distracted driver. Let's go get me some new material." She laughs and kisses him again, then arm in arm the couple walks toward the dark entrance of the showing room.
Comment please! I'd love everyone's honest opinion on my work.
As a first page hook, I think there may be a little too much bland dialogue. It's all well enough written, but it's also fairly generic. Banter between a happy couple doesn't really draw me in or set up what the story will be about. It's usually a good idea to try and start off either with some sort of conflict/tension, or with something unusual that makes the reader want to know more about what's going on.
Anyhow, I think this shows a lot of potential. You have a good grasp of how to put words together, especially in dialogue. None of it felt stilted or artificial.
Best of luck going forward! ^^