FA+
Shop
Am I In the Wrong Here?
17 years ago
MarmelmmOk, so nothing really brought this up (Ok, yeah it did), but I just want to know if my reasons are justifiable.
So I have my girlfriend who is very close and dear to me, and she has this friend who is close and dear to her due to "history" and whatnot. Anyways, I don't like her friend, I don't like him one bit, yet my gf says that she can't understand why I hate him so much (Yes, hate). At first, I'm stumped, maybe I just don't like him because I'm a guy and I get jealous when other guys are around her? No, because there's been other guys she's talked to that I really didn't care about too much. Or is it because she defends him so gallantly that really bothers me? Yes, I think that's it.
Now I wouldn't be making such a big deal if I felt I was being an ass trying to get rid of one of her friends, but let's look at this. I'm very much the anti-hedonist, I used to steal in my younger days, but I'd usually return the items anonymously within a few weeks out of guilt. The most alcohol I've ever had at one time was when I took a shot of Sake last New Year's, not to mention my parents were the ones who offered it. Never smoked.....anything :P I always offer help when it doesn't conflict with my own plans too much, whether I know the person well or not is hardly a factor. I strive to be honest in most endeavors, though like anyone I slip up at critical moments. I emphasize monogamous, loving relationships (Despite how low my own has gotten at times). I don't believe in free or anonymous sex. etc. etc.
Yet this guy.....ohhhh this guy who happens to be my gf's BEST FRIEND has the nerve to downtalk my character? Saying I'm dishonorable and other such bullshits? Well, this guy here has stolen thousands of dollars worth in merchandise from various places, namely Best Buy. He says he stopped doing drugs years ago, yet recently I heard he almost DIED because he was trippin' on some substance and trying to drive. He's taken the virginity or at LEAST a dozen girls. He's cheated on one of his girlfriends almost as many times (No idea how many he's had....at least 3 or so since I met him). He's mistreated some of my gf's belongings when she left them at his house, and also has failed to return things to her that were NEVER given to him by her in the first place. He constantly (Or at least has) poked fun at her because of her religion. Sure I tried to convert her on more than one occasion, but it was only because I THOUGHT it was the best for her (This has since been disproven). And on TOP of all that he actually did hit on her one time he spent the night at her house, for whatever reason be it out of pity or failure to withhold male urges is unimportant, the fact is it shows that it CAN happen.
The real funny thing is I didn't exaggerate ANY of this.
Yet I'm still a horrible person for trying to get him out of my girlfriend's life? Right, gotcha.....
So I have my girlfriend who is very close and dear to me, and she has this friend who is close and dear to her due to "history" and whatnot. Anyways, I don't like her friend, I don't like him one bit, yet my gf says that she can't understand why I hate him so much (Yes, hate). At first, I'm stumped, maybe I just don't like him because I'm a guy and I get jealous when other guys are around her? No, because there's been other guys she's talked to that I really didn't care about too much. Or is it because she defends him so gallantly that really bothers me? Yes, I think that's it.
Now I wouldn't be making such a big deal if I felt I was being an ass trying to get rid of one of her friends, but let's look at this. I'm very much the anti-hedonist, I used to steal in my younger days, but I'd usually return the items anonymously within a few weeks out of guilt. The most alcohol I've ever had at one time was when I took a shot of Sake last New Year's, not to mention my parents were the ones who offered it. Never smoked.....anything :P I always offer help when it doesn't conflict with my own plans too much, whether I know the person well or not is hardly a factor. I strive to be honest in most endeavors, though like anyone I slip up at critical moments. I emphasize monogamous, loving relationships (Despite how low my own has gotten at times). I don't believe in free or anonymous sex. etc. etc.
Yet this guy.....ohhhh this guy who happens to be my gf's BEST FRIEND has the nerve to downtalk my character? Saying I'm dishonorable and other such bullshits? Well, this guy here has stolen thousands of dollars worth in merchandise from various places, namely Best Buy. He says he stopped doing drugs years ago, yet recently I heard he almost DIED because he was trippin' on some substance and trying to drive. He's taken the virginity or at LEAST a dozen girls. He's cheated on one of his girlfriends almost as many times (No idea how many he's had....at least 3 or so since I met him). He's mistreated some of my gf's belongings when she left them at his house, and also has failed to return things to her that were NEVER given to him by her in the first place. He constantly (Or at least has) poked fun at her because of her religion. Sure I tried to convert her on more than one occasion, but it was only because I THOUGHT it was the best for her (This has since been disproven). And on TOP of all that he actually did hit on her one time he spent the night at her house, for whatever reason be it out of pity or failure to withhold male urges is unimportant, the fact is it shows that it CAN happen.
The real funny thing is I didn't exaggerate ANY of this.
Yet I'm still a horrible person for trying to get him out of my girlfriend's life? Right, gotcha.....
Though I will say, if he invites her to a party/outing I would not let her go without you. Not to distrust her but in distrust of him.
You have to be the better person here.
As Amun said.
People will look at others differently through their own version of "glasses". Do voice your concerns in a polite
but firm matter.
But don't sugarcoat the situation.
Ultimately, it just may come down to you and her parting ways. As difficult as that is. It's not easy but sometimes.
People hold value to different things.
Also keep in mind. Your values are different from hers. Yes, be concerned. But it's her decision.
You need to have a heart to heart conversation with her. If you two aren't still seeing eye to eye by then. It just
may be time as very difficult as it is. But it maybe time to say good bye.
Good luck with your relationship and I'll have you on my mind.
*Reads*
Sounds like Narffet has great advice, though. Do that. I will say this also: Don't ever let yourself think that if this crap about him doesn't work out, then you're out the door on it. If you ever have the thought that it may be "him or you" then that's just walking down a path to giving up no matter which way you look at it.
yet best thign for any relation ship is communication. and i agree with telling the consernse calmly but nto force them on her type thing.
this guy seems like a dick, and she isnt going to listen to you about it, obviously. let her find out on her own, and then be there for her. thats all you can do :]
I made that mistake before and I regret it forever. I feel like such a dick looking back on it.
Don't worry, I'm regretting this bullshit already. The funny thing is I KNEW that I was wrong as I was writing the journal, but ya know what, the fact that their bond is inseparable and OURS is really drives me insane. And she speaks to me as if I know WHAT THE FUCK a real friend is? Bullshit! I've been alone practically my whole life with a few acquaintances here or there. I can deal with it, I guess I just want her to be the same way.
You don't have to LIKE him; but for the sake of your relationship, TOLERATE him. At best, you might get to see why she trusts him despite his flaws; at worst, she'll at least see that you're trying. I know it doesn't sound logical. But getting between a girl and her "best friend" is a patently bad idea. Best bet is to get along with her friends, in a mutual-non-aggression-treaty sort of way if nothing else, so that (heaven forbid) if something does go wrong, you're there for support.
Odds are she doesn't want to be put in the position of having to choose between the two of you. Old friends have been with us through thick and thin, often seen us at our best and our worst, and stuck by anyway; we've a lot invested in them, and those friendships aren't easy to let go of. Beaus have a somewhat more tenuous relationship than friends; the bonds may run deeper, but haven't had the time to branch and interweave as finely as those of old friends.
Also, we girls can have some fancifully romantic ideals when it comes to all our friends getting along with one another.
Nyro, you need to get off Yuri's back about her and her friends' habits. You have no right to judge the way people choose to live based off how you live. Right and wrong, sense of morality, these things are relative and differ from person to person. No matter how much you may think you are helping, imposing your believes and trying to get people to change, you are not. All you achieve through this is appear arrogant to others, piss them off and make them feel lesser of a person.
Living a clean life does not make you a good person and certainly does not make you better than anyone else. What makes someone a good person is treating others kindly and accepting them despite their faults. You do not have to agree with how they live their life, but it is there life to live and unless directly affects you is none of your business.
I think you need to stop worrying about Yuri's friend and reflect more on yourself and how you have been behaving. If you trust her, if you truely trust her, then you should leave things be. This is not about if you trust him or not, only if you trust her. If you believe that she would not do anything then it does not matter what he does, because she will do the right thing. However, if you feel you cannot trust her around this guy, then you have a serious problem.
"Honestly...I can see where your bf is coming from. You've done nothing but indicate that some other guy is such a huge part of your life, that despite his obvious problems, the bond between you two is unbreakable---essentially you give your bf the impression that he comes SECOND behind your bestfrield---and that he will never be as close to you (nor have that same position in your heart) as your bestfriend.
Wouldn't you be jealous, or at least very upset by that? What if nyro had a girl whom he said was his bestfriend....that his bond with her was unbreakable, but she only hit on him once, and she's really just a friend. Would you be jealous? How would YOU feel knowing that some other person ranks higher in his life than you do, despite being his gf?"
Yup. That's it. Jealousy. I know I'll never hold such a strong position in her heart whether she says it or not. Sure she's with me and not him, but that's really not my concern. The fact is they've known eachother longer than we've known and because of that we'll never know eachother as well as the two of them do.
You really should get over it, fixating on such things is bad for your relationship. Do you honestly think she should dump a long standing friend just because you feel uncomfortable?
Most single college aged guys are nice to girls in hopes to get some play, and anyone who thinks otherwise is totally and utterly naive. your girlfriend needs to openly and assertively object to any and all advanced by this guy.
He sounds like the typical, run of the mill, regular white trash. A real winner.
The world of full of backstabbing shits. Never turn your back on a shady motherfucker.
Your GF should do the same.
He can mistrust this guy as much as he wants, but if he truely trusts her and she is worth trusting then he has nothing to worry about. Maybe he does need to worry about this guy trying something, I really don't know him well enough to say he would or not, but I would put some benefit to the doubt that Yuri is going to turn down any advances.
Trust, communication and compromise. The three most important things to any relationship.
ANY attempt to stop any of this will SERIOUSLY backfire. Your anti-hedonistic values are yours, but YOURS alone. Accept your GF for who she is. Have a cool head and chill out some.
I'm seeing a common thing in many of your responses, the anger about the fact that she can "so easily toss aside your relationship" vs. this relationship with her friend. I can't speak for Yuuri of course, but speaking from my own experience it seems easier to let go of your boyfriend because deep down you feel that he still loves you enough to come back. That if you were to break up over trying to make her get rid of something, you'd go but end up coming back to her seeing the error of your ways. This sort of thinking ties into what JenKiwi was getting at with the "utterly unrealistic, but holding on to that tiniest sliver of hope that it might just still be possible" thing.
Again, just a possibility I'm putting out there. But it certainly doesn't mean that your "worthless" to her or anything like that, even though it may seem that way, to paraphrase what she said in her journal she's with you for a reason and not him.
Even though Yuuri's friend certainly doesn't match your average description for a good human being, trying to force your opinion of getting rid of him on her will only 'cause any rifts between you two to become deeper (as you've seen I'm sure). And don't listen to those saying "it's either him or me!" because ultimately ultimatums never work how you want them to, and people just end up being hurt. If you truly love Yuuri, and you have to think about all that that entails, you will talk very openly with her about all of your concerns with her friend. Don't just say it the way you said it in the journal here (because you have to admit, when you feel that you live to a higher code then another it's hard not to be condescending) tell her exactly why the things her friend does bother you. Say out loud that you're afraid of losing her to her friend or that your afraid for her safety. And if your jealous, then just say that plainly too. Sugar coating or covering up your feelings with accusations or just trying to over reason it all only bogs it down.
Again, just my opinion. I think in a way it's good that this surfaced online if Yuuri seems to be so very upset over things that have happened, but be careful who you listen to. You can get good advice from others, and also some very bad advice. Your in a bit of a rough spot with everything thats been brought to light and lots of people will immediately take sides (as we've seen on both journals) but try not to let this affect how you'll talk this over with Yuuri. Relationships are all about compromise too, just because you may feel like you've figured out exactly how you'd like to live does not mean that Yuuri will agree with it and just go along.
Anyways, I do hope that the two of you are able to talk this out and work things out. You've been together for quite awhile and you've made it work so far, so I wish you luck. Sorry for the extremely long comment too. :<