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Not Being Enough
12 years ago
I realize as people, we all fail as a whole and on an individual level. I struggle with both concepts.
As a race, humanity is doomed, because- well, you know. Overpopulation, power control, pollution, etc. None of that is good.
As an individual, though, I realize I lack quite a bit. As part of my general decline in the last year and a half, I noticed that I have begun to lose some of my skills. Particularly, it is in writing. That, to my understanding, was never too great to begin with without a plethora of revision. My musical writing style lacks serious thought and construction, plus I have no education in music theory, which only compounds the inadequacy. My art skills never developed, so I'm stuck to stick figures and lines for facial features.
I feel that there is instead a trade off, for my skills. Instead of being generally broadly-skilled as I was when I was younger, I have been culled into focusing on one thing. So the enrichment of education has disappeared into the numbing down process of specialization. As I have become more focused on computer science and technology (along with theology), I have begun to lose my skills from lack of use.
So there comes the challenge of meeting bars set in place by others, education systems, friends... It seems I'm failing those across the board. It's an awful feeling, realizing that I failed to meet expectations, or to fulfill a job placed before me. I feel that I'll be doing that as a student too, and I don't want that to happen. That's where all my focus will be going. I've been shown repeatedly that dating people is bad, so I'll be dating computer science for the rest of my life. (Along with the fact that I'm not good-looking, as I've been told by approximate three non-family persons.)
(No, I won't create a computer girlfriend, that's disturbing).
I need a model, or a plan of some sort, to really construct a schedule so I can maintain what I have. Hopefully, I don't get burnt out or shut down while I do all this- College costs a lot. I'll owe >$40,000 just for the first year. That's a lot of debt for my degree, and just my first degree.
However, this conflict may not be that surprising to other people. But for an overanalytical "genius" it can be very destructive over time. It doesn't look like I'm losing my skills to me, really, it looks like I'm not enough. As far as I'm aware, that's true. I can apparently only set certain bars and meet those if I give all of myself to meet that bar.
I am, however, not enough to meet all those bars, as I struggle with one. Hopefully, I'll be a better student than I would ever be as a boyfriend, or a musician/composer, an artist. Depressing thoughts, maybe, but it's been my life growing up, so I'm neutral about it. It's like becoming familiar to an annoying colored paint on the wall. You hate it, but end up liking it because it soon becomes all you know.
Oh well. I just have to suck it up and endure, because apparently it will all be worth it in the end. Who knows what that would be like? I've only had one taste of my own happiness, and that ended terribly, so maybe my hopeless constructs of utopia hold up into the next world.
As a race, humanity is doomed, because- well, you know. Overpopulation, power control, pollution, etc. None of that is good.
As an individual, though, I realize I lack quite a bit. As part of my general decline in the last year and a half, I noticed that I have begun to lose some of my skills. Particularly, it is in writing. That, to my understanding, was never too great to begin with without a plethora of revision. My musical writing style lacks serious thought and construction, plus I have no education in music theory, which only compounds the inadequacy. My art skills never developed, so I'm stuck to stick figures and lines for facial features.
I feel that there is instead a trade off, for my skills. Instead of being generally broadly-skilled as I was when I was younger, I have been culled into focusing on one thing. So the enrichment of education has disappeared into the numbing down process of specialization. As I have become more focused on computer science and technology (along with theology), I have begun to lose my skills from lack of use.
So there comes the challenge of meeting bars set in place by others, education systems, friends... It seems I'm failing those across the board. It's an awful feeling, realizing that I failed to meet expectations, or to fulfill a job placed before me. I feel that I'll be doing that as a student too, and I don't want that to happen. That's where all my focus will be going. I've been shown repeatedly that dating people is bad, so I'll be dating computer science for the rest of my life. (Along with the fact that I'm not good-looking, as I've been told by approximate three non-family persons.)
(No, I won't create a computer girlfriend, that's disturbing).
I need a model, or a plan of some sort, to really construct a schedule so I can maintain what I have. Hopefully, I don't get burnt out or shut down while I do all this- College costs a lot. I'll owe >$40,000 just for the first year. That's a lot of debt for my degree, and just my first degree.
However, this conflict may not be that surprising to other people. But for an overanalytical "genius" it can be very destructive over time. It doesn't look like I'm losing my skills to me, really, it looks like I'm not enough. As far as I'm aware, that's true. I can apparently only set certain bars and meet those if I give all of myself to meet that bar.
I am, however, not enough to meet all those bars, as I struggle with one. Hopefully, I'll be a better student than I would ever be as a boyfriend, or a musician/composer, an artist. Depressing thoughts, maybe, but it's been my life growing up, so I'm neutral about it. It's like becoming familiar to an annoying colored paint on the wall. You hate it, but end up liking it because it soon becomes all you know.
Oh well. I just have to suck it up and endure, because apparently it will all be worth it in the end. Who knows what that would be like? I've only had one taste of my own happiness, and that ended terribly, so maybe my hopeless constructs of utopia hold up into the next world.
