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I haven't been entirely honest...
12 years ago
Herpa With myself, that is.
I may put on a smile and be all happy and optimistic an shove all bad feelings and negativity away.
But deep down inside me, there's a part of me that just isn't happy at all.
I hate talkin' about this part of me, because it always makes me depressed talkin' about it.
I'm happy that my roomie was able to get a job at the restaurant I work at, I really am.
But ever since, I've been stressed. I've never been this stressed before.
I miss Dani so much.
I'm so fuckin' tired it's not even funny.
Workin' in the kitchen while keepin' an eye on my roomie so he doesn't fudge up is like twice the amount of work.
There's just so much goin' on now that I rarely have any time to just...relax.
It's gotten to the point where I'm just not the happy and optimistic person I always was.
But, that's besides the point.
Main reason that I'm so stressed is because the current head chef is steppin' down soon.
And my manager wants me to be the head chef...again.
I was already head chef once. And I was stressed beyond belief.
With all this stress right now, I've been gettin' depressed.
And when I get depressed, I drink a lot.
That's why many of you may have noticed me bein' drunk a lot as of late.
Bein' head chef was stressful enough for me.
And with bein' promoted to the position again, I'm afraid that I'll be so stressed that I won't be able to perform well.
The thought of not performin' well at work stresses me out even more, and then I get depressed.
Despite all this, I keep a cheerful attitude.
But all it really is is just a mask to hide the truth from everyone.
The ugly truth that I'm losin' the battle to keep my sanity intact.
I lie to myself every night, sayin' that it'll be better tomorrow mornin', that everythin' will go back to the way it was before.
But the knowledge that it won't be the same again kicks me in the ribs every time I lie to myself.
Every day that passes by is a day less until I am promoted.
And every day that passes by is a day more stressful than the last.
All I can keep doin' is continuin' to lie to myself every night.
Still the truth is, it's painful.
Watchin' myself lie and put a smile on every day to work, pullin' the mask over the face of the real me.
With this mask I wear every day to work, I lie to everyone around me; friends and co-workers, and my manager.
And liein' to my friends and coworkers is like an even more painful kick in the ribs, but this time with a blade stuck to the toe of the boot.
I hate liein' to people, and I especially hate it when I lie to their very faces by wearin' a fake smile and holdin' a false attitude.
With all of this, the stress is...unimaginable.
And thus my tendency to drink increases.
14 more days until I'm promoted.
How long can I keep liein' to myself?
How long can I continue to deceive my friends and coworkers with this mask I wear?
How long until I lose what I hold dearly? My will to perform?
How long...until I lose myself entirely?
Ugh...I'm sorry...I need to be left alone for a while.
I'm goin' to drive around town for a few hours. And don't worry, I ain't drunk today.
Please get well