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Someday...
12 years ago
Someday I will write again.
I have ideas for stories to write. Clean ideas. Dirty ideas. Short simple ones, long, complex involved ones, some that are silly and fun and some that might be too serious for their own good... The concepts are there. The free time is (mostly) there, too, with my evenings and weekends generally wide open.
The energy is what's missing. I have no drive. I sit down at my computer and I don't want to do anything. I sit here, I annoy people on messengers, I browse the internet, I play the same video games over and over, but I'm just passing the time and not really doing anything at all. It's like there's simply no room in my head for creative thought. Heck even writing the journal is coming in stops and starts, staring at the screen for a minute or more between sentences. Something has just kind of broken my ability to string words together. String thoughts together.
Yeah, maybe a part of it is work. I was new to the particular field of engineering I work in when I started in March, and I've been trying my hardest to learn what's necessary to be able to do my job with as few mistakes and as little assistance as possible. That takes energy, that takes time, but that's just an excuse to be lazy, isn't it? Lots of people have full-time jobs and it doesn't stop them from pursuing hobbies or interests. I have things I want to do, things I'm interested in, and I just don't pursue them. Maybe I'm too passive. Too lazy. Too willing to let life just move along, let it carry me wherever it wants to rather than focusing on someplace I want life to go.
It could be depression, too. It's a mood I'm too familiar with, one that saps my drive to do anything at all, be it work or play or social interaction. With how tired I am all the time, the signs are there, but half of that is just never going to bed early enough and never sleeping through the night and never even catching up on sleep on the weekends. Whether depression makes me tired or tiredness makes me depressed is irrelevant; either way I can feel my mind being far too blank, too hazy, and unable to focus for more than a few moments before freezing up again. The rambling nature of this supports that, I'm sure. But it's another thing I've dealt with before and another thing I know I can work through, know I can solve. I'm just not.
I will write again someday. I have too many ideas not to, and every now and then, for just a moment or two, the drive to get those ideas out of my head and into words builds up inside me. It's been a long time since it's lasted long enough to put the desire to use, but I will again eventually.
I just don't know when.
Someday.
I have ideas for stories to write. Clean ideas. Dirty ideas. Short simple ones, long, complex involved ones, some that are silly and fun and some that might be too serious for their own good... The concepts are there. The free time is (mostly) there, too, with my evenings and weekends generally wide open.
The energy is what's missing. I have no drive. I sit down at my computer and I don't want to do anything. I sit here, I annoy people on messengers, I browse the internet, I play the same video games over and over, but I'm just passing the time and not really doing anything at all. It's like there's simply no room in my head for creative thought. Heck even writing the journal is coming in stops and starts, staring at the screen for a minute or more between sentences. Something has just kind of broken my ability to string words together. String thoughts together.
Yeah, maybe a part of it is work. I was new to the particular field of engineering I work in when I started in March, and I've been trying my hardest to learn what's necessary to be able to do my job with as few mistakes and as little assistance as possible. That takes energy, that takes time, but that's just an excuse to be lazy, isn't it? Lots of people have full-time jobs and it doesn't stop them from pursuing hobbies or interests. I have things I want to do, things I'm interested in, and I just don't pursue them. Maybe I'm too passive. Too lazy. Too willing to let life just move along, let it carry me wherever it wants to rather than focusing on someplace I want life to go.
It could be depression, too. It's a mood I'm too familiar with, one that saps my drive to do anything at all, be it work or play or social interaction. With how tired I am all the time, the signs are there, but half of that is just never going to bed early enough and never sleeping through the night and never even catching up on sleep on the weekends. Whether depression makes me tired or tiredness makes me depressed is irrelevant; either way I can feel my mind being far too blank, too hazy, and unable to focus for more than a few moments before freezing up again. The rambling nature of this supports that, I'm sure. But it's another thing I've dealt with before and another thing I know I can work through, know I can solve. I'm just not.
I will write again someday. I have too many ideas not to, and every now and then, for just a moment or two, the drive to get those ideas out of my head and into words builds up inside me. It's been a long time since it's lasted long enough to put the desire to use, but I will again eventually.
I just don't know when.
Someday.
I wouldn't blame yourself at all. What you do requires a heck of a lot of mental power, and the body and mind have their limits. What's probably happening is that you're exhausting all your mental resources, and are essentially "brainfried" after a day of work. Just compare what you feel like at 4-5 pm at work as opposed to lets say 10-11 am. It takes its toll.
I wouldn't worry about your lack of production all that much. I wouldn't even compare to others as well. Chances are they might not have a job as challenging or difficult as yours is. Also, your job probably involves a lot of computer/desk work, and then to come home and do more is quite hard and unbalanced to do.
Don't beat yourself up over it. It's seems very difficult to have both free time and money in this world. Both are needed for sanity's sake, but it seems like you have to pick one or the other. Both is a pipedream...
That said... eh. I feel like I could be doing more.
deppresion has Always given me plenty of energy but simply block any attempt to make use of that.
it doesn't sound to me like you are really blocked.
The most important thing is not to make yourself feel guilty or shameful. There are reasons why you aren't able to write right now and you'll work through them in time! *hugs*
*hugs back*
We will wait patiently. And hope you will get some more time for yourself too. *patpats*
I'd say that at least I can use this newfound income to get more commissions, but a lack of creativity extends to not being able to think of what to commission, either. >.>
It's gotten to the point that I just want to read the stories I'm not able to write.
A couple you could do include:
Carry around a notebook and writing down snippets whenever the random flash hits you (this also helps people remember their ideas later when you actually are writing the story);
Sit out in public and write down the EXACT words that people say so you can draw on those forms of speaking for your characters, instead of having to write through your own 'lens of language'.
Take a scene from a movie, television show, video game, or a real-life experience and retell it in your own words. It will feel a little like homework but it forces you to use those parts of your brain.
Set aside time (and hour or two) at your BEST time of day, and go somewhere where the Internet is shut off. isolate yourself so that you aren't procrastinating. Life doesn't give you "time to write" you have to MAKE the time.
And if you need to hear it from some one that actually has credit in the field of writing, I'll direct you to K.M Hirosaki and Kyell Gold of Unsheathed http://www.furaffinity.net/user/unsheathed/ . Both are published writers AND both have multiple novels to their name. They're also quite unique in that they cover furry erotic fiction as one of their biggest focal points. I highly recommend listening if you're bored out of your skull.
That being said, you are one of the writers on FA that inspired me to start posting my own work, and I've enjoyed your stories very much over the years. I know those ideas will make their way out eventually, just like mine will. ^^
Awr, thanks! I certainly hope so, for us both. ^^
Plus it'd be great to see new ideas out there instead of the brony fan fiction plague and the fat fur story bonanza that seem to have gripped the writing section of FA....and both are equally dull D: