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A Vicious Cycle
12 years ago
I firmly believe I'm caught in a perpetual love-hate cycle with art. It's like... how to describe it...
...it's like that one ex who you just can't get over, even though you know he's bad for you, and you keep going back to sleeping with him even after you've broken up for the fifth time despite your friends saying what a cute couple you always were.
I love art. I love beautiful things. I love making beautiful things, and the creative spark, and that feeling you get when the lines align just right and the colors are perfect and it just flows from your fingertips in an ecstatic blur of creative frenzy. That moment of perfection when the soul sings to the paper and the perfect harmony brings out something that fills the heart with life and accomplishment. So I do art.
Except when I actually get into doing art, I'm miserable. Nothing comes out right, I can't get any good ideas, and the few times I have a real vision of what I want to put on paper, it comes out nothing like the picture in my head. That perfect moment of creation is just out of reach, coming in elusive spurts that stop as suddenly as they start. Knowing that it's there, having felt it ever so briefly and being completely unable to achieve it again is like torture. Eventually, it tears me down and the pain isn't worth the promise, and I swear off art forever.
But somewhere deep inside, I never fell out of love with doing art.
This results in one of two scenarios: one, I fly into a frantic rebound of creation in other ways, obsessively cycling through meaningless crafts to try and fill the hole that's left in my creative life. Two, I withdraw completely and try to do nothing more than forget about art entirely and convince myself that I don't need it anymore, and I'm better off alone.
Eventually I get back to feeling better about myself, and I think it's safe to just go look at other people's art. It can't hurt to just look. It's not like I'm going to do anything. I'm just looking at nice things, that's all. And that's how it gets me. I look at beautiful things, and slowly the memory of that perfect creative moment comes seeping back in. I get this dull aching longing. I know better than to listen to it, really I do. But I just can't help myself from looking and feeling.
As time goes by, those defensive walls I've put up against the heartbreak of failing at art start to crumble. I look at a beautiful piece and start to think dangerous thoughts like "I wish I could do linework like that." I watch LiveStreams and think "So that's how they do it..." And before you know it, I'm drunk with Wacom in hand and LiveStream rolling, doing exactly what I promised I'd never do again. Cue the self-loathing and shame.
I'm not back to doing art, I swore off it for good. But... it felt so good to connect. Maybe if I just don't take commissions. Maybe if I take it slow, learn from my mistakes, maybe this time it'll be better. Anyone who's ever gone back to an ex knows exactly how desperate this inner dialogue really sounds, and how deceptive it is, but the heart really honestly WANTS to believe that it can work. The past gets glazed over with a nostalgia-hued patina, all the shining happy moments polished and gleaming promisingly, while the misery and anger and frustration fades into the background.
I'm at the drunken, regretful stage. The stage where I know it's wrong to try, but there's that dull ache that keeps calling me, even though I know I'm going to hate myself for answering it. That weary stage, the one that knows it's never going to work, and this is all just a self-destructive cycle of chasing a dream that's never going to be real, but can't help reaching for that pen anyways in brief moments of weakness.
...Is there an artist's rehab?
...it's like that one ex who you just can't get over, even though you know he's bad for you, and you keep going back to sleeping with him even after you've broken up for the fifth time despite your friends saying what a cute couple you always were.
I love art. I love beautiful things. I love making beautiful things, and the creative spark, and that feeling you get when the lines align just right and the colors are perfect and it just flows from your fingertips in an ecstatic blur of creative frenzy. That moment of perfection when the soul sings to the paper and the perfect harmony brings out something that fills the heart with life and accomplishment. So I do art.
Except when I actually get into doing art, I'm miserable. Nothing comes out right, I can't get any good ideas, and the few times I have a real vision of what I want to put on paper, it comes out nothing like the picture in my head. That perfect moment of creation is just out of reach, coming in elusive spurts that stop as suddenly as they start. Knowing that it's there, having felt it ever so briefly and being completely unable to achieve it again is like torture. Eventually, it tears me down and the pain isn't worth the promise, and I swear off art forever.
But somewhere deep inside, I never fell out of love with doing art.
This results in one of two scenarios: one, I fly into a frantic rebound of creation in other ways, obsessively cycling through meaningless crafts to try and fill the hole that's left in my creative life. Two, I withdraw completely and try to do nothing more than forget about art entirely and convince myself that I don't need it anymore, and I'm better off alone.
Eventually I get back to feeling better about myself, and I think it's safe to just go look at other people's art. It can't hurt to just look. It's not like I'm going to do anything. I'm just looking at nice things, that's all. And that's how it gets me. I look at beautiful things, and slowly the memory of that perfect creative moment comes seeping back in. I get this dull aching longing. I know better than to listen to it, really I do. But I just can't help myself from looking and feeling.
As time goes by, those defensive walls I've put up against the heartbreak of failing at art start to crumble. I look at a beautiful piece and start to think dangerous thoughts like "I wish I could do linework like that." I watch LiveStreams and think "So that's how they do it..." And before you know it, I'm drunk with Wacom in hand and LiveStream rolling, doing exactly what I promised I'd never do again. Cue the self-loathing and shame.
I'm not back to doing art, I swore off it for good. But... it felt so good to connect. Maybe if I just don't take commissions. Maybe if I take it slow, learn from my mistakes, maybe this time it'll be better. Anyone who's ever gone back to an ex knows exactly how desperate this inner dialogue really sounds, and how deceptive it is, but the heart really honestly WANTS to believe that it can work. The past gets glazed over with a nostalgia-hued patina, all the shining happy moments polished and gleaming promisingly, while the misery and anger and frustration fades into the background.
I'm at the drunken, regretful stage. The stage where I know it's wrong to try, but there's that dull ache that keeps calling me, even though I know I'm going to hate myself for answering it. That weary stage, the one that knows it's never going to work, and this is all just a self-destructive cycle of chasing a dream that's never going to be real, but can't help reaching for that pen anyways in brief moments of weakness.
...Is there an artist's rehab?
You...you understand.
Perhaps I'm wrong. But I do hope you keep drawing, always. I'll be watching...
I wish I could turn your IC down a few notches, because I think your work is some of the finest on the site. It might not be what you want, but it's very good.
Lately I've learned to just accept that I've hit a dry spell. Instead of trying to create my own stories, I delve into the stories of others. I play WoW and Skyrim and never even turn on the computer I use mainly just for writing. I let my muse come back on its own terms. But I don't fight it. That just seems to make things worse. I get the creativity out of my system and then move on. It's a vicious cycle, but in understanding it I have been able to master it to some degree.
got back into creating in a game called ModNation Racers and created so many creations did so many collaborations with friends
then I just started to create less and less for some reason
I dont know why but that new creative outlet on MNR was like when I first started to really get into drawing
I still get inspired by stuff I see all the time but I dont even write my ideas down like I use to anymore
I just cant muster up that will power I use to have anymore
however Ive been jonesing like crazy lately to draw my creations from ModNation Racers bout I doubt I'll ever get around to anything
perhaps you need a new outlet to help you regain that spark
I used to get a bit deterred by other peoples amazing artwork but then I realized that it doesnt matter if someones art looked better or was more more detailed
all that mattered was I liked what I had done
I miss my earlier days of drawing when everything wasnt so detailed or complex :D
Ideas will always be swimming around in my head. . .maybe I'll go fishing again some day XD
Sorry for all the weird spacing n stuff Im not a writer :P . . . most of the stuff I've learned in English class has faded from my mind XD
Im more comfortable writing messages this way
...you have no idea.
What I've tried as a creative outlet:
* Sumi e
* Jewelry making
* Latex mask making
* Leather working
* Costuming/sewing
* Crochet
* Perler bead pixel art
* Cooking
* Video game modding
Just sit relaxed and look out the window, try to describe what you see and feel, and i mean everything, even the small details like a few leaves blowing past you, how the wind is blowing through your hair, a little bee humming past you, birds, kids yelling at a nearby playground in the distance, the smell of flowers or freshly cut fruit.
How does the wind or sun feel on your skin, is there a special harmonic presence you feel e.t.c e.t.c.
You don't need to show it to anyone, just type it down for yourself and see what you get, you whould be surpriced at how many small details one normally does not think about.
looks like its time to sit on the couch and let your belly hang out for a bit
"Go home and be a family man. ( uh girl XD ) " Colonel Guile -Street Fighter
I do the manic-depressive art thing, there were months where it was "I need to bust my ass on this so I can take commissions" then months of "eww furries! I suck anyhow and can't make money at it so why bother."
The only thing that's helped is getting zen about it, just calming the fuck down. I've been trying to do daily sketches as well, so it's not as mood based, I just do something regardless of how I feel, even if it turns into a mess. It helps a lot to look at other artists and see how much they sketch, instead of just the polished pieces they put out. I'm am terribly unproductive compared to some people who draw for hours each day, when I just scribble for one or two on average.
It's also hard because now there's so MANY, like I got on FA in 2006, it was a little place then, now every artist is on the internet and there's a million competitors.
You just gotta like, break out of the cycle of self-abuse, at least the extremes, since I still get the need for ego stroking x3
It's not easy, especially if you have other emotional stuff going on like I do, but it's either try or be stuck in the same place :p
"Kitty Kitty Bang Bang" XD
http://www.furaffinity.net/full/7555778/
My Second MNR ( account just mouse over the icon to see a bigger view although its still small <_< )
https://community.modnation.com/en-.....acal/creations
My MNR creations from my first account
https://community.modnation.com/en-.....Tzun/creations
yeah the bodies look weird but that was the style of the template :P
met some really cool people in that game, alot of great Track, Mod, and Kart creators
I keep telling you, everyone feels that way.
There's nothing wrong with looking at other people's art. I enjoy looking at your art, just as much as I do looking at say...
I look at a beautiful piece and start to think dangerous thoughts like "I wish I could do linework like that."
Answer: Then practice drawing in that style. Sure, you're not going to do well at it right off the bat, but it will come with time and practice. It's just like learning to strive a stick shift. You're going to make mistakes along the way while practicing said style you want to try. Big freaking deal. It's part of the learning process, [b][i]NOT[i][b] a flaw on your part, in the way the sketch came out.
I know you're not desperate. You never have been. It's not a weakness to reach for that pen, or pencil and do nothing more than draw. You're doing something you enjoy and doing it well.
*hugs tight, just because*
It's not an addiction, it's a calling. Not many people have what it takes to become artists, or even draw decently. Most people that think about it spend a few hours before giving up, but you, YOU!!! the artist, is the one that kept going when everyone else quit, you are the one that have become disappointed of your own art even more times than "regular people" even cared to try. You are the one that kept going no matter how much you THOUGHT you failed, and even though you deep in your mind honestly think your art is not good enough, i have seen a thousand people out there not being able to get even close to you, and they are happy with what they can draw.
Don't draw art as a business, because it WILL wear you out, it WILL tear you down and tire you out eventually. No, you should draw art because you want to, because you feel the need to express yourself beyond words and instead want to draw a picture or a scene. They say a picture say more than a thousand words, and you are indeed good at drawing, don't let anyone ever tell you you are not, and don't ever let your mind trick you into thinking you are not, because you ARE good at it, and your confession is not required because you are STILL good at it, regardless of what you or anyone else think, say or do.
You have great skill K'sharra, but only you can decide what you want to do with it. I know for a fact it must have taken you MANY years to learn what you have learnt, and it can't be an easy thing doubting yourself, but sometimes doubt is necessary, because it makes one question one self and perhaps if you are in a certain state of mind, you are able to give an honest answer to your own questions calmly rather than just ignoring it or pushing it away.
If you enjoy drawing, then don't deny yourself from drawing.
If you don't want to make the drawing into a business, then don't, because a business WILL tear at you.
But I can try and offer this, if it helps: I always considered the art you created to be beautiful. And different, too; you always drew body types that were subtly different from the wasp-waist girl norm. More powerful, impressive bodies, with a sense of mass in motion. I always appreciated that.
Kick up a chair, K'sharra. Let Creed tell you a little story.
This is the story of a man who has about a score and a half of stories currently on hold. Fics, stories, novellas, novels, and short stories, all piling up on my desk- er, on this man's desk. Oh fuck it, MY desk. In a manner of speaking, they're actually on my computer but...whatever. The thing is, I can't complete any of them. Oh, I know, I tell myself I can, and will, and I do try...but here's the thing, when I start writing, I start fretting. I fret over what I've already written. I go back and re-read it, and ideas that once sounded so fun and fresh suddenly read as incredibly stupid or childish or unoriginal. Maybe they are, maybe they aren't. My peers tell me a mixed bag of the two, so I get no confirmation in either direction there, either.
See, when I read, I get ideas, tons of them. I adapt them to my own fictional worlds and their settings to improve them and make them better but when I start putting the effort in I start hating my work because it starts to sound too damn familiar. Even if I've re-adapted it, it sounds like a rip-off, even if it really isn't. I start to criticize every single last damn thing I write, every paragraph sounds inferior or sub-par. I compare what I've written to the works of others and I think "man, there is a reason they've gotten published so often and why you've only been published once."
No matter how hard I try, I can never get what I want to describe to come out sounding like I want it to. I have tons of ideas before I start writing and once I start I can't focus.
Welcome to creativity hell. There's no way out. You gotta conquer it. You can tell yourself as many times as you would like that you're quitting. You might even believe it. For a few months. But like you said. It WILL keep pulling you back. It's like sex in a bondage arena. No matter which you wriggle, no matter how you squirm, it's going to happen, and there is nothing you can do to stop it...and deep down, in some weird little way, you really DON'T want to stop it. Which is why you keep going back to the bondage arena to begin with.
That's how it used to be, at any rate, for me. Nowadays, though...I've learned to acknowledge my inferiority when it comes to my works. I've learned to realize in what technical ways I come up short as a writer, in what ways my stories are unsatisfying. I've learned to accept that. I've learned to stop going "this idea is too hard" or "this idea is too easy" when I'm thinking up ideas. If it sounds daunting and challenging for me to write, and I feel like scuttling away to write a short quick-fic, then yes, I will. I'll close my mind down and just type out some bullshit, and then I'll turn my mind back on and go back and tackle the daunting task, motivation be damned. What my conscious mind wants, and what my creativity demands, are two different things. But the conscious part is the sub, and the creative mind is the domme, and I've learned to accept that.
Submit to the creativity. Submit to the self-deprecation. Submit to the blows to your self-esteem every time you come up short. Take 'em, and you'll soon learn the lesson the left brain is trying to teach you. It's gonna be a pain, though, not gonna lie.
jk do what you feel is right
The whole object is this: write. Just write. Something about a daily word count, can't remember. Even if it comes out a masterpiece, or word salad, or a pile of shit, or even worse than that - *gack!* - Twilight, just write.
...well, OK, you draw. You write poetry, but you do art.
So, if you feel so inclined, just draw. Even if it's absolutely beautiful, or just a doodle, or junk, even if you absolutely hate it, even if it's some surreal building shaped like some guy's head with a postage stamp on its left "cheek"* and a giant coffee cup imprint someplace**, even if it's unsatisfactory, if the inspiration hits you, just draw. And when you are done, it is done.
---
* This was drawn out by a sketch artist somewhere in Orange County, who did a presentation for our fifth grade class. The whole point of the presentation was a rather fun lecture as to the fact that, well, haters gonna hate - as a child, he drew something vaguely like this, but his older brother started explaining why this was a terrible picture (a stamp on the building's cheek? What the hell is that?).
** Reference to a one-panel comic I saw yeaaarrrs ago in the newspaper. I think it may have been Bizarro, and back in the late '90s. Don't remember. The comic had an imprint from a dribbled cup of coffee placed on a building, and the builder explained to a shocked somebody that it was exactly as the blueprints had specified. I wish I still had the photocopy I had made of that one-panel.