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Rough couple of days... [Vent/Trigger Warning/NOT a note]
12 years ago
General
These past couple of days for me, has been hell. Dealing with the stress, anxiety, and nervousness to find a place within 2.5 weeks, pack up my room, and move out to a new city for school; has me not being able to get a proper sleep, let alone keep the severely negative thoughts out of my mind. I've tried to be happy, think on the bright side, even went out with friends and got drunk; all to avoid coming back to the realization that I can't do this alone.
I feel as though even in the brightest and happiest of times, I'm falling deeper into something I can't escape. Yes, I suffer from depression, severe anxiety, and have had suicidal attempts in the past.. However with the help of friends I've been able to not even think about those for the past year. Recently though, I'm fighting them again, especially within this past week. I've talked to a few friends about it, but never mentioned the fact that I was actually thinking about suicides again.. It hurts me, It honestly hurts me to the point where my stomach is being turned, my heart sinks, and my breathing becomes heavy.. I can't imagine leaving the people who've helped me come this far with my life.
TRIGGER WARNING
I often find myself sitting here in my room, the lights off, typing infront of my computer, when something feels like its overwhelming me, and I stare at the support beam of the house (I live in the basement) and just wonder. what does it feel like?
Boop
My life isn't terrible, in fact, some say it's an awesome life. To quote a friend I "Have parents who love [me], the most amazing boyfriend that [I] could ever dream of, [I'm] the first kid to go to college, and that [I] have friends who would do anything to keep me safe."
Some days are better than others, but there's always this nagging in the back of my head that worries me about going to school again.. "you're going to fail, you're going to fail, you're going to disappoint everyone around you, You'll be the laughing stock of the family, Who're you kidding; You're a nobody.. You're nothing special, and you never will be"
I've learned to tune it out, but as of right now, I'm waiting for a call back from my neurologist who's setting me up with a counselor.
Until than, I'll just learn to deal with it.
This is not a goodbye, at least not yet.
P.S. To those who may worry, don't. I'll be better within a few days.
I feel as though even in the brightest and happiest of times, I'm falling deeper into something I can't escape. Yes, I suffer from depression, severe anxiety, and have had suicidal attempts in the past.. However with the help of friends I've been able to not even think about those for the past year. Recently though, I'm fighting them again, especially within this past week. I've talked to a few friends about it, but never mentioned the fact that I was actually thinking about suicides again.. It hurts me, It honestly hurts me to the point where my stomach is being turned, my heart sinks, and my breathing becomes heavy.. I can't imagine leaving the people who've helped me come this far with my life.
TRIGGER WARNING
I often find myself sitting here in my room, the lights off, typing infront of my computer, when something feels like its overwhelming me, and I stare at the support beam of the house (I live in the basement) and just wonder. what does it feel like?
Boop
My life isn't terrible, in fact, some say it's an awesome life. To quote a friend I "Have parents who love [me], the most amazing boyfriend that [I] could ever dream of, [I'm] the first kid to go to college, and that [I] have friends who would do anything to keep me safe."
Some days are better than others, but there's always this nagging in the back of my head that worries me about going to school again.. "you're going to fail, you're going to fail, you're going to disappoint everyone around you, You'll be the laughing stock of the family, Who're you kidding; You're a nobody.. You're nothing special, and you never will be"
I've learned to tune it out, but as of right now, I'm waiting for a call back from my neurologist who's setting me up with a counselor.
Until than, I'll just learn to deal with it.
This is not a goodbye, at least not yet.
P.S. To those who may worry, don't. I'll be better within a few days.
and i hope I'll be amazing, I don't want to fail at anything anymore :( it's time to stand up tall, and be strong for once.
And with all the tutoring and having Gree there to help you I'm positive you'll make it through your classes. The school doesn't want people to fail. They have so many programs in place to prevent that.
As long as you're willing to help yourself, they're willing to help you. <3
sure hope everything with getting the the place to stay for school gets all worked out for yah otties