UPDATE: The ceiling, the roof and now the floor are all structurally unsound, and our social workers have advised that a homeless shelter would be safer for us at this juncture... My dad's response? 'The trailer is old but sound. I'll be up to repair the roof as soon as possible, I need to pull together some $ first. Last time I repaired the roof the fix lasted 7 years.'
So yeah, the situation grows more dire with each passing day...

Some of you have been asking what I've been up to, so here's the situation:

I'm about to be homeless.

In May I told my husband I wanted a divorce, for various reasons, he went back to his family. For the next couple of months after he left, my daughter's attitude deteriorated dramatically. She became violent and even bit and kicked and punched me several times. I drew the line when she told my new mate that he 'had to kill her to protect her brother.' When he said 'No, I will never hurt you or hit you or do that, because I love you.' She replied 'Fine, then I will just have to kill myself.' My four year old, who had started cutting herself with my razor and my scissors, which have since been removed from her reach.

I started getting everything together that I possibly could under the direction of the Social Workers with Family Preservation Services, the Pyscho-Analyst with the Infant/Toddler Program, and the councillor that my new mate, Ghizmo sees every week, to get her into therapy as soon as humanly possible with Medicaid.

Also at the request of the Social Workers, Ghizmo and I began documenting every time she had a violent outburst. To see if we could figure out any constant triggers. We came up with three things:

First: That if the temperature of her surroundings was higher than 92 degrees F, it was like a switch that turned her from soft, kind and caring to raging, violent and down right mean.

Second: If she didn't get exactly what she wanted when she wanted it, whatever it was, especially in public, she screamed and threw herself on the floor and cried and accused us of hating her because she couldn't have...whatever it was. Typical toddler behavior I'm told, though she didn't start doing this until my ex was out of the picture.

Third: When my ex called to talk to her, sometimes before he called and sometimes afterward, she bit and kicked and screamed and swore and ran away and hid. Sometimes for seemingly no reason.

Two major things happened then. Ghizmo told his mother and father of our situation with Seriah and they bought me an air conditioner! It was a miracle. Almost as soon as we got it installed, her attitude improved dramatically.

We continued to document her tantrums, since she continued to have them, though to a lesser degree, and the one major consistency was contact with my ex.

So, when we started getting her into therapy, I called him and told him what was going on. And how the Social Workers had suggested that he not call or text until we could figure out why her fits seemed to be centered around his contacting her.

He agreed to do that, for which I was very grateful. And the 'no calls' from him has lasted since I asked him several weeks ago. But he still texts occasionally, and her fits still seem to center around those times. It's very frustrating.

During this time, I had not been keeping in contact with my parents, because they had made it quite clear that the do not approve of my relationship with Ghizmo. Him being newly widowed, me being newly separated/pending divorce. I even avoided contact with them when they came through town for a visit, because the prospect of seeing them 'without Ghizmo, because mommy and daddy need to talk to you.' made me physically ill. Panic attacks and vomiting. I even broke out in a rash. They also made it very clear that he is not to live in their trailer. And it is their trailer, so he doesn't/didn't. He's a part of my life, he is my mate, but I'm not allowed to live with him because my parents do not approve. They do not approve of the man that is caring for me and for my children emotionally, spiritually and financially.

If it weren't for Ghizmo, we wouldn't have toilet paper, or diapers, or gas for their car. We wouldn't have food or anything else for that matter, because I have no money, despite my attempts to generate income through commissions and finding a job. I'm still applying, and commissions are open, I even have one job on the line that's just waiting for a client for which I qualify to care for, eg: house cleaning, to open up...A job that I had before I got married. But that is now impossible because I do not have reliable transportation any longer...

And since my parents are taking their car back, and demanding that I pay rent and utilities when they know that my only source if income is my new mate, from whom they refuse to accept money...I'm screwed.

I got an ultimatum from them last thursday that said, among other things: to: 'shit or get off the pot.' That's a direct quote there.

They are demanding that I return to my abusive ex-husband 'for the support I need'. (He is sending money now. I am grateful, but confused why it took a divorce and seperation for him to provide for us.) I will not do that. I can never do that. Not to myself and not to my precious babies.

I know I'm going to get a shit storm started for that last couple of sentences, but I don't care anymore.

I am in desperate straights...I had wanted to avoid all this drama, by simply not telling anyone what's really going on in my life, from my perspective, because there are other lives to be concerned with here as well, and I have always tried to keep everyone happy. For as far back as I can remember I have bent over backwards for, and succumbed to, everyone else's desires, wants and needs rather than sticking up for what I want, and what I need.

I have holes in my teeth where fillings once were because barely a week after my FIRST filling broke, my ex had to have his tooth pulled because it was rotten. (A bill that is still outstanding) It really was, had been for MONTHS if not years, it had a big nasty hole in it and it was black and grey and green and festering and smelly, made me not want to kiss him...but that's beside the point....

My point is, that kind of shit happened to me a lot. For most of my life. And now that I'm standing up for myself, even just a little bit, it seems to rankle those who used to walk all over me.

The little bit of good news in all of this is that my daughter is getting the help she needs. Her first official therapy appointment is the 29th of August, and she's been in PSR (Psycho-Social Rehabilitation) for a week. She also had a medical evaluation by a child psychologist who said that he's sure she does not need medication for her severe issues...he suggested some other things as well, but they are of a very delicate nature, and will only be revealed to those it is relevent to when the time for such things is right...and that time is not now.

The brass tacks of our situation fall as such:

Despite the fact that my mate and I have applied for literally hundreds of jobs over the last few months and we've also applied to numerous government housing projects, we're about to all be homeless. Ghizmo has been for some time now, but my children and I are going to join him in this endeavor.

Ghizmo and I have spent the last two days designing a camper shell for his truck that will provide for our needs if one of the many government housing programs does not come though for us by the time the kids and I can no longer stay in this trailer.

It's small, and it will be tight and difficult, but it will function.

Our only problems are:

The truck has a bad water pump and is therefore dangerous/nearly impossible to drive for more than a couple of miles before it starts having major issues.

The truck's back seats, it is an extended cab, are non-exsistant, and therefore we can not transport the children safely or legally in it.

And the camper, despite the fact that we have some of the things we need to make it with, is going to cost a bit of money to build. We have the know-how, we have the plans, we have the truck, but there are those couple of things standing in our way.

We can gather the supplies we need, but it will take time and money, something we don't have a lot of. Ghizmo has a limited income from the government, but it's mostly gone to buying food and clothes for the children and gas for the car.

If each of my 155 watchers donates $5, that would be $775. That would be a huge help toward getting our truck fixed and the camper built. I know not everyone will read this, and I know not everyone has $5 they can donate. Money is tight for everyone everywhere, I understand that. If you can't donate, you can still help by please giving me a signal boost.

PayPal is: ghizmogeke[at]gmail.com

Please put your FA username in the comments box if you donate, thank you so much.

Donations are greatly appreciated and will be repaid with art. That's how come I need your username. :3

Thank you again to all of you who read this, signal boost and/or donate. You're all amazing!



Leaf Storm

{EDIT}

And my dad just offered me a job in SLC, but I know that they won't let Ghizmo come with me...because I'm sure they'll offer to let me live with them....and we JUST got Seriah into counsiling....I'm so fucking confused and hurt.
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